1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:01,023 Hello, everybody! 3 00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,797 Hello! Hello! 4 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:10,037 Hello! 5 00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,835 Thank you so much. 6 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,139 What a welcome. 7 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,241 Hello. Thank you, everyone. 8 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,443 Welcome to the Grand Tour, 9 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:24,012 which this week comes to you from the shores of loch ness 10 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:27,783 in Scotland! 11 00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,051 Now... 12 00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:30,353 Exactly. 13 00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:32,155 Now, to most people around the world, 14 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,723 Scotland is just a bunch of scenery 15 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,360 and Mel Gibson with some paint on his face. 16 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:39,962 But actually it's a bit more than that. 17 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:43,166 What we have here is a list of all the important things 18 00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:45,168 that were invented in America, ok? 19 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,570 This is what the Germans came up with. 20 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,938 Then we've got the English contribution. 21 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:53,714 And then let's have a look at what France did. 22 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,980 That's it. I'm not making that up. 23 00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,182 And the pencil sharpener. 24 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,716 Oh, and the pencil sharpener! 25 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,719 Now let's have a look at the list of things 26 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,455 that were invented by Scottish people. 27 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,962 It's just...! 28 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,695 It's unbelievable! It's everything! 29 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:16,632 Cordite. Cloning. Colour photography. 30 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,534 Percussion cap. 31 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:21,370 Golf, lime cordial. I mean, the list goes on and on. 32 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:24,373 - Buick! - Hang on a minute. 33 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,842 Why is the us Navy on there? 34 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,546 Not joking, that was actually invented by a Scottish person. 35 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:33,449 - Was it? - So was the BBC, so was the sas. 36 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:36,652 All special forces, in fact. And I think I know why. 37 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:40,331 If you are from Mexico or France or Italy, 38 00:02:40,336 --> 00:02:41,624 you wake up in the morning, open the curtains, 39 00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:44,059 it's a lovely day, think, "I'll go to the beach." 40 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,829 In Scotland you open the curtains... 41 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,464 It's damp and cold: 42 00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,666 "I'll go to the shed and I'll invent something." 43 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,735 That's what's going on there. 44 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:55,070 I'm surprised, actually, the English, 45 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:58,140 don't just say that those are British inventions. 46 00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:01,160 Ah, yes, the Andy Murray syndrome. 47 00:03:02,117 --> 00:03:03,979 Let's be honest, this does happen a lot. 48 00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:06,014 Ok. Alexander Graham bell, 49 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,650 when he was working away 50 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:09,585 with his bakelite and his wires in his shed, 51 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,692 he was a Scottish crackpot. 52 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,390 When he invented the telephone, 53 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,492 he was a British genius! 54 00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:19,328 Exactly the same sort of thing happens with sport. 55 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:21,430 Motor racing, Jackie Stewart. 56 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:24,166 Three times formula 1 world champion. 57 00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,601 Ok, he's British. 58 00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:29,272 Jim Clark. Two times formula 1 world champion. 59 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:33,449 British. David coulthard... Scottish. 60 00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:38,647 That's how it works! 61 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,749 - It is, yes. - Maybe we should explain 62 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,751 to people in America what's going on here. 63 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,820 Yeah, exactly. Let me just clear this up for you. 64 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,855 This is how it works on this side of the pond. 65 00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,792 This is britain. This bit is england, where we're from. 66 00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,627 This bit's Scotland, where we are now. 67 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:55,298 This bit's wales, which is next to where I live. 68 00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:57,132 Exactly. The rules are very simple. 69 00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,667 If you're English 70 00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,136 and you become brilliant or do something brilliant, 71 00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,671 you remain English. 72 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,307 If you're Scottish or welsh 73 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,841 and you do something brilliant, 74 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:11,013 the English decide that you are, in fact, British. 75 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,616 The English really are appalling, aren't they?! 76 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:17,324 They are! 77 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,325 I tell you what, i love being in Scotland 78 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,627 because everyone here speaks their mind. 79 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,695 There's no ambiguity. 80 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,064 The town of larkhall in Scotland, their welcome sign, 81 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,876 here we go. 82 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:40,108 This is Scotland. 83 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,345 It's not just words, either, it's actions. 84 00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:44,580 Do you remember that terrorist attack at Glasgow airport 85 00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:46,248 a couple of years ago? 86 00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:48,984 Somebody tried to explode... Bomb didn't go off. 87 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,686 He ran off and he didn't get very far 88 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,611 because this happened. 89 00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,969 The Scottish way. That is the Scottish way. 90 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,668 And um... 91 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:09,271 Interestingly, there have been no terrorist attacks in Scotland since. 92 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,540 Just thinking about that for a second. 93 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,175 When he kicked him, he must have broken his foot 94 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,677 on the other guy's pelvis. 95 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,845 - Yeah. - Which means the guy's plums 96 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:20,470 were in the middle of the impact. 97 00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,419 When that terrorist woke up that morning, 98 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,887 he must've thought, "right", 99 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,055 "the worst thing that'll happen to me today 100 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,223 is I'm gonna blow up." 101 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,792 It wasn't, though, was it? 102 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:32,895 Cos the only thing to explode was his knackers. 103 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,431 - Can we get on with the show? - Yes. Good idea. 104 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,401 Because in tonight's car programme... 105 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:41,626 I urinate on an engine... 106 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:45,400 Richard wears an anorak... 107 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:49,165 And James takes drugs. 108 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,815 But first, I want to talk about fiat. 109 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,150 They're mostly known these days for the 500, 110 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:57,052 which is a small retro hatchback. 111 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:59,054 But after an absence of more than a decade, 112 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:01,424 they are back in the sports car game. 113 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,091 So I went down to the eboladrome 114 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,298 to check out what they've come up with. 115 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:22,478 Here it is. And as with the 500, 116 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,879 you can tell straightaway 117 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:27,483 that fiat are playing the nostalgia card 118 00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:31,454 because this car is called the 124 spider, 119 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:36,792 in honour of their rear-wheel drive roadster from the '70s. 120 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,861 Under the skin, though, 121 00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:44,232 the 124 is based on the thoroughly modern Mazda mx-5. 122 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,670 Fiat supply some important things like the engine 123 00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,371 and the body, 124 00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,839 but both cars are built 125 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,743 on the same production line in Japan. 126 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:57,580 On the surface, that is no bad thing. 127 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,482 You're gonna sleep a lot better at night 128 00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,216 knowing that your Italian car 129 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:04,119 was actually put together by the Japanese. 130 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,922 However, it does raise a question. 131 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,858 Is that a sports car in its own right, 132 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:13,929 or just a Mazda with a different badge on? 133 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,831 Well, before we find out, 134 00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,100 let's look a bit more closely at the badge. 135 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,806 Because you'll notice it says abarth. 136 00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,674 Abarth are fiat's go-to people 137 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:29,244 when they want to light a fire under one of their cars. 138 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:33,415 Not light an actual fire, but give what's already there 139 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:37,525 some extra zest and zing and fire. 140 00:07:40,287 --> 00:07:44,527 For starters, Abarth has tuned the 1.4 litre turbo-charged engine, 141 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:50,556 so that this, the hottest 124, is faster than any mx-5. 142 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,345 0- 60 takes 6.8 seconds. 143 00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:02,144 And the top speed is 145mph. 144 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:06,854 But in a car like this that feels like 145 million. 145 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,439 Certainly bundles for me. 146 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,258 And it's not just performance where the 124 has the edge 147 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:19,928 over its Japanese half-brother. 148 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,897 I have to admit, and this comes from someone 149 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:25,267 who struggles to find fault with the mx-5, 150 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:28,308 the 124 does sound better. 151 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:35,343 Abarth have given it something called the record monza exhaust system. 152 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:40,753 What it does is make a small car produce a big-car noise. 153 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,959 It's like a cat in a lion suit 154 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,901 and that's exactly the sort of panto you want. 155 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:58,433 What I'm saying here is that this car does its own thing. 156 00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:01,441 It has its own personality. And that's important. 157 00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:08,148 But on the next point, the 124 does take a bit of a body blow. 158 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:15,383 You see, there's a price to pay for all this abarth-ness. 159 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:19,021 And that price is £30,000. 160 00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:22,625 £5,000 more than the top mx-5. 161 00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:27,529 That said, the 124 does give you more under the skin, 162 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:32,400 most notably in the handling department. 163 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:37,205 The thing is, abarth have given this car a limited-slip diff... 164 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:41,114 Which makes sliding something you command. 165 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,854 The mx-5 doesn't have that. 166 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:54,657 Neither does it have this sport button here, 167 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:57,965 which relaxes the stability control. 168 00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,033 Quite a lot. 169 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,576 So, what we have here is a car that's fast, 170 00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:18,251 sounds good and is great fun in the corners. 171 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:24,357 But there's something else very important about the 124. 172 00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,625 I don't know that there's really a million miles of difference 173 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,200 between this and the mx-5. 174 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:39,439 But everything I do in this car I'm doing in an Italian sports car. 175 00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:46,213 And it is impossible for that not to put you in a good mood. 176 00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:51,814 It does feel so good to be in a small, Italian roadster again. 177 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,817 It's about time. 178 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:59,154 Everything about this little fiat is designed to stir the emotions. 179 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,990 And make you smile like a child. 180 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,860 Right down to the retro black bonnet. 181 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,229 God, I love a black bonnet! 182 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,732 It just... ooh! 183 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,800 It's just... a black bonnet. 184 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:15,938 Only cool cars have black bonnets. Fact! 185 00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:18,573 I really like the mx-5. 186 00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:22,177 But the 124 has taken those Japanese foundations 187 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,152 and added some Italian showmanship. 188 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,785 That's why I'd have it over the Mazda. 189 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:33,293 I don't just like it, I love it. 190 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:43,131 It's interesting that, because... 191 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:46,434 As you know, I'm a sucker for an Italian sports car. 192 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:49,237 Love 'em to bits especially the alfa. 193 00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:53,108 However, I've driven an ordinary, cooking fiat 124 194 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:57,045 and that is not as good as an mx-5, not even close. 195 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,114 That's true. You'd be better off with the mx-5. 196 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:01,784 Unless you want the fastest mx-5, 197 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,318 in which case buy the abarth. 198 00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:07,890 - Quite. - Have we just done consumer advice? 199 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,258 A little bit. A little bit. Moving on quickly. 200 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,260 Yes, we will, move it on. And we'll find out 201 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,297 how fast the abarth goes round the eboladrome. 202 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,165 That, of course, means handing it over to a man 203 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:20,002 who thinks that beards were invented by Lenin. 204 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:23,305 Yep. It's the American. 205 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,974 There he is, poised and ready. 206 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,043 And he's off. 207 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:30,012 With a skitter of wheelspin 208 00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,646 and a fruity noise from the exhaust. 209 00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:36,684 Straight onto a soaking-wet isn't strait. 210 00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,021 What the hell... 211 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:42,057 Has happened in my life... 212 00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,559 That I'm over here driving a fiat... 213 00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:47,562 In the wet in england? 214 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,133 He may not be enjoying it but he is very good at it. 215 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:54,402 As he carves the 124 through the standing water, 216 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:58,841 making the best use of its 170 horsepower. 217 00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:02,310 Really leaning on it as he approaches your name here. 218 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,846 That is ballsy. 219 00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,147 Now, heavy on the brakes, 220 00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:08,416 swoops round this fast left-hander, 221 00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:12,487 and exits with a skilful flurry of stylish over-steer. 222 00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,222 Back onto the isn't. 223 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,959 Hell, I don't know whether to drive this thing 224 00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:18,894 or use it for a spit-cup. 225 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,996 Charming! 226 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,330 Nerds will note these conditions 227 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,867 would be better suited to a barchetta. 228 00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,501 If you like this car, 229 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:29,872 I bet you got a lot of fancy cushions in your house. 230 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,339 Yeah, cos as we know, 231 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,375 cushions are, of course, communist. 232 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:38,180 Right, into the tight complex of old lady's house. 233 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:40,515 Keeping it nice and tidy through there. 234 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,652 And now full power for the lumpy, bumpy sprint 235 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,554 down to substation. 236 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,057 Front hazards coming on under hard braking. 237 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,059 All fiats do that for some reason. 238 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,428 Armful of opposite lock into field of sheep. 239 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:57,604 More exuberance through there and across the line. 240 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:06,041 It was a ballsy entry into your name here, that was. 241 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:11,146 Anyway... we must now find out where it ends up on the board. 242 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,015 Let's have a look. 243 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:16,018 Oh, dear. Oh, dear, Hammond. 244 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,020 So you've recommended what is 245 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,388 officially the slowest car in the world. 246 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:23,926 Well... no, slowest car on our board. 247 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,827 - Our board is the world. - It is. 248 00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,930 All right. Look, it was wet. 249 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:31,399 That lake's wet. Someone once did 200mph on that. 250 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,801 - And... - Then they were killed, I admit. 251 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,103 - But... - Quite, quite. 252 00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,404 Let's move on. It's time now 253 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,440 for us to take a gentle cruise 254 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:42,615 down the velvety smoothness of conversation street. 255 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,653 - That really hurts. - It did! 256 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,788 Just to be absolutely clear with you, 257 00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:55,557 that really, really hurt. 258 00:14:55,562 --> 00:15:00,195 Yeah. It was supposed to be a pretend bottle. 259 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,298 - Let's move it on. - I would like to converse about something important. 260 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,501 Why is it that we have leather seats in cars? 261 00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:09,004 Because in reality it's a terrible material. 262 00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,505 It's too shiny and slippery. 263 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:13,108 It's too hot or it's too cold. It's rubbish. 264 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,377 I think it's cos we got hung up on the idea 265 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:18,480 that leather is somehow posh on a car seat. 266 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:19,982 But it didn't use to be like that. 267 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,416 In the old days, the posh people sat 268 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,551 in the back of the car on cloth seats, 269 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,320 and it was the chauffeur sitting at the front... 270 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,989 They gave him leather because it's hard-wearing. 271 00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,357 I've got a picture here of an old car. 272 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,394 They didn't even extend the roof to cover him! 273 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:33,828 Another three feet would have done it. 274 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,397 I think that's deliberate. 275 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:38,004 I think that's to remind him that he's scum! 276 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:42,070 What would you two like to have instead of leather? 277 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,905 There's all sorts of things you could use. 278 00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,907 You could have cable-knit wool. 279 00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:50,178 But it's nice, it's cosy. Desperately looking around. 280 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:53,081 - His jumper would make quite a good car seat. - Cosy. 281 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,783 It's nylon! It is! 282 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,420 Or pleblon. One of the two. 283 00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:01,289 - It's a good idea. - It isn't a good idea! 284 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,425 Or, how's this for an idea? 285 00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:05,293 Let me just throw it out there. 286 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,262 Why not take a cow, 287 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:10,432 turn the middle of it into burgers and steaks, 288 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,168 and then, instead of throwing the skin away, 289 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,603 use it to cover the seats of your car? 290 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,873 Because it's a terrible material and it doesn't work. 291 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,275 That's only because you two 292 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,110 have decided to be vegetarians. 293 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,545 Well, no, hang on... 294 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:26,214 They have. They actually have. 295 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,183 They woke up together one morning and went, 296 00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,484 "let's not eat meat any more." 297 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,687 We didn't wake up together one morning. 298 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,589 - Get clear on that. - It's a fine definition. 299 00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:37,692 Mysteriously arrived at the same conclusion 300 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,061 pretty much the same day. 301 00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,495 Anyway, we still eat chicken. 302 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,364 Yep. Chicken is a vegetable. 303 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,632 - It isn't. - It is. 304 00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:47,369 Scientifically, chicken is a vegetable. 305 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:50,172 If you cut a chicken's head off it still runs around. 306 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,673 There you go. 307 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,508 Thereby proving it's not a sentient being, 308 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,243 it's a higher-order vegetable. 309 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:56,644 Scientifically. 310 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,646 Ok, we'll make the seats of your cars 311 00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:01,149 out of chicken skins. Actually, that's not a bad idea. 312 00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:05,653 Wouldn't a chicken-skin seat look like a giant scrotum? 313 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:08,356 Yes, and that's your fault for not eating meat. 314 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,458 So now let's move on, shall we? 315 00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,661 I've got something. Back in the 1920s, ok, 316 00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:15,363 a Scottish company made a car 317 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,599 which they said was for women. 318 00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,202 Got a picture of it here. It's called the Galloway. 319 00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:23,838 What about that car makes it for women? 320 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,409 Well, they said it had a smaller-than-usual steering wheel 321 00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:30,512 - and a more reliable engine. - Oh, yeah, of course, 322 00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,614 because men don't want a reliable engine, do they? 323 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,349 - It's only women! - I hate reliable engines. 324 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,983 Also, you can drive it standing up, 325 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,186 which is what women did in the 1920s. 326 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,521 This sort of thing is still going on today 327 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,022 because I've got news of one here. 328 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,457 A car that's been launched 329 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:45,393 called the seat mii Cosmopolitan. 330 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,295 We have a picture of it. There you go. 331 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,198 - How do you spell mii? - M-i-i. 332 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:53,301 - It's mii-III. - It is mii-III. 333 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:56,538 "I've got a mii-III." 334 00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,440 It's been done in collaboration 335 00:17:58,445 --> 00:17:59,707 with Cosmopolitan magazine. 336 00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,376 "It's aimed at cosmo girl," it says. 337 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:02,677 And, are you ready? 338 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,512 "The headlights have an eyeliner shape." 339 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,949 - No, they don't. - "It's easy to park." 340 00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:09,484 Oh, yeah, cos... 341 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,686 I much prefer a car that's hard to park 342 00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,855 because I'm a man. 343 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,490 Can we get something clear here? Ok? 344 00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:18,493 This gender-splitting of cars is ridiculous. 345 00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,662 It's like saying a woman's airline seat 346 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,898 or a woman's matches or a woman's anything. 347 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,634 "Can I buy a box of women's pencils, please?" 348 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:30,472 Exactly. The only things I can think of that can be split by gender 349 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:34,309 - are bicycles, because of the crossbar. - Yeah. 350 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:37,617 - And underwear. - Sometimes, yeah. 351 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:42,016 Overshare? 352 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,690 I said that out... 353 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:51,226 I left in a hurry. 354 00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:53,428 Honestly, I just can't understand 355 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,197 why people think there's such a thing 356 00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:57,665 - as a woman's car and a man's car. - Ridiculous. 357 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,301 It's not as if you drive cars 358 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,336 with your old chap or your magic triangle. 359 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,710 And there's um... 360 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,885 - Listen... - It's a little graphic. 361 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,218 But a few years ago, Volvo did a concept car, 362 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,519 and they boasted very loudly 363 00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:19,487 that the whole thing had been designed 364 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,456 entirely by women. 365 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,558 And I've got a picture of it. 366 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,993 It's a coupe with gull-wing doors and a massive engine. 367 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,329 It's what everyone would do. 368 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,264 I would definitely have done that. Exactly. 369 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,498 Men and women are exactly the same 370 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,133 when it comes to cars. The end. 371 00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:33,368 - Exactly. - Right. Now... 372 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,902 You know Tesla? 373 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,972 Tesla believes it's pioneering the electric car. 374 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,608 But that ain't so. There was a Scottish company back in the '60s 375 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,344 which made an electric car. 376 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,480 I've got a picture of it here. Oh, god! 377 00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,048 It's called the scamp. 378 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:49,984 It had a top speed of 35mph, 379 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,686 a range of 20 miles. 380 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,155 And I want to make it absolutely plain, 381 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,057 that's Scottish, not British. 382 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:59,727 It is, yes! Very definitely! 383 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:02,168 That... That is Scottish. 384 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,333 We can end the conversation. 385 00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:07,869 Now, all over the world, 386 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:11,072 people, by and large, buy very boring cars. 387 00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:14,376 I met a man yesterday who'd just spent £8,000 388 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,610 on a five-year-old Ford focus. 389 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,712 I thought, "why did you do that?" 390 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,381 If you've got £8,000 to spend, 391 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,683 "why didn't you buy a used Maserati?" 392 00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,818 I think it's because people believe 393 00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:27,789 if you buy the used, exotic Italian car for £8,000 394 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,557 it's going to break down all the time. 395 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,859 Yes, but will it? To find out, 396 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:34,762 we actually put our own money on the line, 397 00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:38,766 and we each went out and bought a second-hand Maserati. 398 00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:41,803 Yes, and then we decided that cars this glamorous 399 00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:45,507 and this exciting couldn't possibly be tested in britain. 400 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:50,683 So we decided to meet up in continental Europe. 401 00:20:56,656 --> 00:21:01,623 This is the race track we selected. 402 00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:04,326 It's just 60 miles from calais, 403 00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:06,833 and I arrived bright and early. 404 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:17,004 This... is a Maserati biturbo. 405 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:21,743 First car in the world to be fitted with two turbo chargers. 406 00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:25,513 And this particular example is the sought-after s model. 407 00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:29,351 And it's only done 24,000 miles. 408 00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:35,423 And yet despite that, all I paid for it was £7,950. 409 00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:39,861 So you get all this glamour, all this power, 410 00:21:39,866 --> 00:21:43,465 all that badge for less than you'd pay in the uk 411 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:46,272 for a six-year-old Toyota "pious". 412 00:21:50,710 --> 00:21:54,709 Why has Richard Hammond arrived in a Ford cortina? 413 00:21:54,714 --> 00:21:59,814 Wait. It isn't a Ford cortina, it's another biturbo! 414 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:03,050 - No, this is the 430. - It isn't! 415 00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,452 - It is! - Biturbo. 416 00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:05,687 This isn't a biturbo. 417 00:22:05,692 --> 00:22:06,988 - It is! - That's a biturbo. 418 00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:08,390 Hammond. 419 00:22:08,395 --> 00:22:09,824 I'm sorry to have to tell you this. 420 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:12,694 But the ghibli, the racing, 421 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:15,697 the karif, the shamal, the 222 and the 430, 422 00:22:15,702 --> 00:22:18,466 they were all the same car. They haven't got any money. 423 00:22:18,471 --> 00:22:20,502 They just changed the name badge on the back. 424 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,003 These are the same car. 425 00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,506 Yours is very ugly, but it's the same car. 426 00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:25,840 I dispute that. 427 00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:27,742 This is not ugly, this is elegant. 428 00:22:27,747 --> 00:22:29,511 - This is Italian style. - It isn't! 429 00:22:29,516 --> 00:22:32,414 That is a fabulous-looking car. Let's look at this. 430 00:22:32,419 --> 00:22:34,749 What have you got? It's a bit gaudy, mate. 431 00:22:34,754 --> 00:22:37,089 You wanna hear this baby fire up. 432 00:22:39,225 --> 00:22:41,288 Get out! Save yourself! 433 00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:44,325 Yes! 434 00:22:44,330 --> 00:22:45,593 Feel the power of that! 435 00:22:45,598 --> 00:22:47,595 Have you seen all this... 436 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,597 There's no other word for it... oil? 437 00:22:49,602 --> 00:22:51,165 Yeah, that... 438 00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,266 - Yeah. - Yeah. 439 00:22:52,271 --> 00:22:53,635 Happily, 440 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,336 before any more could flood out, 441 00:22:55,341 --> 00:22:57,243 James arrived. 442 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:04,846 Have you ever seen a more ungainly-looking machine? 443 00:23:04,851 --> 00:23:06,848 What's the matter? Is your door broken? 444 00:23:06,853 --> 00:23:09,717 No, I'm broken. Can you hold the door for me? Thank you. 445 00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:14,822 Behold... the Maserati zagato spyder. 446 00:23:14,827 --> 00:23:17,124 - Biturbo, mate. - Zagato spyder. 447 00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:18,526 All biturbos. 448 00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:20,528 I think this was designed 449 00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:22,029 when it was owned by citroen, 450 00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:24,131 which was bankrupt at the time. 451 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:25,800 Then there was some guy in America 452 00:23:25,805 --> 00:23:27,635 who had a bit of Maserati. 453 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,471 And then the Italian government, or fiat, 454 00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:31,305 they all sort of had bits of it. 455 00:23:31,310 --> 00:23:33,808 They ran around going, "we made a new car. Look." 456 00:23:33,813 --> 00:23:36,043 It was exactly the same, it just had a new name. 457 00:23:36,048 --> 00:23:39,113 Excuse me, James. I just want to see just... 458 00:23:39,118 --> 00:23:41,483 Oh, you've got two-tone leather. 459 00:23:41,488 --> 00:23:43,585 But why have you got an automatic? 460 00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:45,653 I've bust my arm. 461 00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:47,622 That's why it took a long time to get out. 462 00:23:47,627 --> 00:23:48,856 Have you really broken your arm? 463 00:23:48,861 --> 00:23:50,562 Which arm have you broken? 464 00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:55,162 It has made me murderously bad-tempered 465 00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:57,799 and intolerant of your fatuousness. 466 00:23:57,804 --> 00:23:59,233 Have you seriously broken your arm? 467 00:23:59,238 --> 00:24:00,802 It's fractured quite badly. 468 00:24:00,807 --> 00:24:02,904 - Don't touch it. - How did you break it? 469 00:24:02,909 --> 00:24:05,807 - I fell over. - That's why you got an automatic? 470 00:24:05,812 --> 00:24:08,242 - Yes. - Is that roof electric? 471 00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:10,950 - No. - There's a button on the front. 472 00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:14,582 - Oh, right. So it is manual. - Yes. 473 00:24:14,587 --> 00:24:16,818 Anyway, we must get off. Come on, let's drive on. 474 00:24:16,823 --> 00:24:19,186 Can you put the roof back up for me? 475 00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:21,360 No! I'm not doing that. 476 00:24:23,763 --> 00:24:28,262 We decided first of all to have a drag race, 477 00:24:28,267 --> 00:24:32,333 between our cars and a similarly-priced modern car... 478 00:24:32,338 --> 00:24:34,841 The suzuki "celery". 479 00:24:39,111 --> 00:24:40,847 Tense moment. 480 00:24:48,888 --> 00:24:51,686 Sadly, however, the pit straight was too narrow 481 00:24:51,691 --> 00:24:53,926 for our four cars. 482 00:24:55,294 --> 00:24:57,559 What are you doing? 483 00:24:57,564 --> 00:24:59,899 Hammond, you idiot! 484 00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:06,568 - You crashed into my Maserati! - You crashed into mine! 485 00:25:06,573 --> 00:25:08,570 I've got nowhere to go. There's a barrier there. 486 00:25:08,575 --> 00:25:11,543 There was nowhere for me to go. I was where I was. 487 00:25:12,612 --> 00:25:15,114 So, for the second attempt... 488 00:25:16,783 --> 00:25:20,119 I volunteered to go down the pit Lane. 489 00:25:21,654 --> 00:25:23,990 Yes, this is genius! 490 00:25:25,658 --> 00:25:28,055 And that didn't work, either. 491 00:25:28,060 --> 00:25:30,592 Re-emerging on the track. Hammond is there. 492 00:25:30,597 --> 00:25:31,959 What the hell? 493 00:25:31,964 --> 00:25:34,967 Oh, shit! 494 00:25:36,068 --> 00:25:37,632 Oh, my god! 495 00:25:37,637 --> 00:25:40,868 Arg! 496 00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:43,437 Why the hell can't we just do a drag race properly? 497 00:25:43,442 --> 00:25:45,607 It can't be that difficult. 498 00:25:45,612 --> 00:25:48,843 After this latest accident, we decided that, 499 00:25:48,848 --> 00:25:52,446 as Hammond's car had the biggest engine... 500 00:25:52,451 --> 00:25:56,088 He'd represent Maserati's honour on his own. 501 00:25:56,956 --> 00:26:00,526 Ok, this is it. I am the elected driver. 502 00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:04,931 The chosen one. The kingpin. 503 00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:08,100 I like that. 504 00:26:12,304 --> 00:26:14,473 Massive amount of bleeping about... 505 00:26:15,274 --> 00:26:18,072 But then... 506 00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:23,349 Finally, it spools up, turbos whizzing away. 507 00:26:26,518 --> 00:26:29,521 And yes! Absolutely creamed it! 508 00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:34,055 Yep, they were right to pick me. 509 00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:38,230 And the car, the 430... Maserati. 510 00:26:40,066 --> 00:26:41,796 Now you've established that, as a team, 511 00:26:41,801 --> 00:26:44,431 our twin turbo-charged maseratis are faster 512 00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,768 than a 67-horsepower "celery", 513 00:26:46,773 --> 00:26:49,336 let's get rid of the little Japanese car 514 00:26:49,341 --> 00:26:52,807 and find out which of our three cars 515 00:26:52,812 --> 00:26:55,076 is the fastest round the track. 516 00:26:55,081 --> 00:26:57,011 We'll be driving maseratis 517 00:26:57,016 --> 00:26:59,580 on a race track in continental Europe. 518 00:26:59,585 --> 00:27:01,282 Sounds good, doesn't it? 519 00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:04,256 What's the matter with you? Why do you look so miserable? 520 00:27:05,992 --> 00:27:08,055 I've broken my arm. 521 00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:09,691 If we're gonna drive round a track, 522 00:27:09,696 --> 00:27:12,994 can I at least have one of those disabled knob things? 523 00:27:12,999 --> 00:27:15,096 - You know. - On the steering wheel? 524 00:27:15,101 --> 00:27:16,698 Yeah, like a forklift truck has. 525 00:27:16,703 --> 00:27:18,204 Sounds fair enough. 526 00:27:20,272 --> 00:27:22,369 So, whilst our colleague enjoyed 527 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:24,806 his special breakfast, 528 00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:27,241 Richard and I attached his steering knob. 529 00:27:27,246 --> 00:27:28,714 There you go. 530 00:27:29,749 --> 00:27:32,118 And then we hit the track. 531 00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:35,382 The roots of this car, 532 00:27:35,387 --> 00:27:40,087 they were planted during the 1957 German grand prix. 533 00:27:40,092 --> 00:27:43,390 Fangio, at the wheel of his Maserati 250f, 534 00:27:43,395 --> 00:27:49,964 overcame a 48-second deficit in 22 laps to win the race. 535 00:27:49,969 --> 00:27:53,134 He smashed the lap record ten times. 536 00:27:53,139 --> 00:27:57,438 You don't lose a pedigree like that. 537 00:27:57,443 --> 00:28:00,579 Here we go. Feel the tail kick out a little bit. 538 00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:03,644 Or the front go. 539 00:28:03,649 --> 00:28:06,085 There's the back. On the front. 540 00:28:07,486 --> 00:28:10,056 Oh, god. I've got it. 541 00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:16,123 Flying laps in a Maserati. 542 00:28:16,128 --> 00:28:19,065 This is exactly what stirling moss did. 543 00:28:25,571 --> 00:28:28,640 Not exactly. Bits of it are. 544 00:28:29,776 --> 00:28:31,839 Meanwhile, in the convertible, 545 00:28:31,844 --> 00:28:35,614 James was very unhappy with his new steering knob. 546 00:28:41,788 --> 00:28:44,290 Oh, god, it's the left-hander. 547 00:28:45,792 --> 00:28:48,990 Bend the knob. 548 00:28:48,995 --> 00:28:51,630 What is the matter with those two? 549 00:28:55,935 --> 00:28:57,403 We're ok. We're in good shape. 550 00:28:58,905 --> 00:29:01,502 No, we're not! 551 00:29:01,507 --> 00:29:03,537 Despite my lucky-dip handling, 552 00:29:03,542 --> 00:29:06,178 I did eventually catch Hammond. 553 00:29:09,181 --> 00:29:11,112 Take him! Take him on the inside! 554 00:29:11,117 --> 00:29:13,119 Yes! 555 00:29:13,719 --> 00:29:15,421 Yes! 556 00:29:17,323 --> 00:29:18,857 No! 557 00:29:21,460 --> 00:29:23,229 Arg! 558 00:29:24,831 --> 00:29:27,199 No, I... oh, god, strewth. 559 00:29:28,534 --> 00:29:30,832 He's going surely now! 560 00:29:30,837 --> 00:29:32,604 Jesus! 561 00:29:35,707 --> 00:29:39,778 It just has too many horsepowers here. Come on! 562 00:29:41,948 --> 00:29:43,515 Oh, shit. 563 00:29:47,219 --> 00:29:49,583 Mr clarkson is indisposed briefly. 564 00:29:49,588 --> 00:29:53,620 And moments later, so was mr Hammond. 565 00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:55,661 No, no, no! 566 00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:58,659 Come on! 567 00:29:58,664 --> 00:30:03,297 So, having learned absolutely nothing at all... 568 00:30:03,302 --> 00:30:06,200 We decided to abandon the race track 569 00:30:06,205 --> 00:30:08,802 and embark on a 700-mile cruise 570 00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:11,572 to the south of France. 571 00:30:11,577 --> 00:30:15,109 James was very pleased with this plan. 572 00:30:15,114 --> 00:30:17,211 This is more like it, isn't it? 573 00:30:17,216 --> 00:30:18,880 Not mucking around on a race track, 574 00:30:18,885 --> 00:30:21,082 which is always a bad idea in old cars. 575 00:30:21,087 --> 00:30:23,084 We're going on a proper road trip 576 00:30:23,089 --> 00:30:24,919 to a lovely part of the world 577 00:30:24,924 --> 00:30:28,722 in very, very evocative, exotic cars... 578 00:30:28,727 --> 00:30:30,429 Maserati! 579 00:30:31,931 --> 00:30:34,761 In the 1970s, Maserati was naming all its cars 580 00:30:34,766 --> 00:30:38,199 after... exotic-sounding warm winds: 581 00:30:38,204 --> 00:30:41,473 Mistral, khamsin, bora. 582 00:30:43,309 --> 00:30:46,007 When I was a kid growing up in doncaster, 583 00:30:46,012 --> 00:30:47,208 I just thought, 584 00:30:47,213 --> 00:30:49,376 "I've no idea what a mistral is 585 00:30:49,381 --> 00:30:50,882 but I want one!" 586 00:30:52,251 --> 00:30:55,216 Maserati. South of France. 587 00:30:55,221 --> 00:31:00,587 It just sounds right. 588 00:31:00,592 --> 00:31:02,456 However, fairly soon, 589 00:31:02,461 --> 00:31:05,659 reality began to stick its unwelcome nose 590 00:31:05,664 --> 00:31:07,394 into the equation. 591 00:31:07,399 --> 00:31:11,933 You get no heat in here and I can't de-mist at all. 592 00:31:11,938 --> 00:31:13,935 The brakes. 593 00:31:13,940 --> 00:31:15,702 It brakes one wheel very well. 594 00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:19,611 But only one wheel at a time. And you never know which one. 595 00:31:22,982 --> 00:31:25,579 James, are my lights dazzling you? 596 00:31:25,584 --> 00:31:30,517 - Yeah, a bit. - Because they seem to be on main beam, 597 00:31:30,522 --> 00:31:32,019 but I can't dip them. 598 00:31:32,024 --> 00:31:34,488 If I put my headlights on full beam, 599 00:31:34,493 --> 00:31:36,528 nobody coming the other way flashes at me. 600 00:31:40,732 --> 00:31:42,796 You hear that rattling? 601 00:31:42,801 --> 00:31:44,903 That's the steering wheel. 602 00:31:47,473 --> 00:31:48,970 On top of the mechanical issues, 603 00:31:48,975 --> 00:31:50,371 there was the problem 604 00:31:50,376 --> 00:31:52,173 of James tackling the toll booths 605 00:31:52,178 --> 00:31:55,013 in his right-hand-drive car. 606 00:32:05,391 --> 00:32:08,322 Ahh! Urgh! 607 00:32:08,327 --> 00:32:10,257 We've got 700 miles to go. 608 00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:14,300 It's going to take us for ever at this speed. 609 00:32:15,367 --> 00:32:17,464 And then, to cap it all... 610 00:32:17,469 --> 00:32:21,773 Jeremy, there are sparks coming from under your car. 611 00:32:23,009 --> 00:32:25,311 I think you probably need to stop. 612 00:32:27,579 --> 00:32:29,643 - Oh, look. - Something's on fire. 613 00:32:29,648 --> 00:32:32,413 - Fire! - Right. Might have to piss on it. 614 00:32:32,418 --> 00:32:35,182 - Oh, no! - Go round there! 615 00:32:35,187 --> 00:32:40,321 He's going to claim to be an emergency service now. 616 00:32:40,326 --> 00:32:42,223 Annoyingly, our road trip 617 00:32:42,228 --> 00:32:45,797 wasn't proving to be as stylish as we'd hoped. 618 00:32:47,399 --> 00:32:49,063 So, at the next petrol stop, 619 00:32:49,068 --> 00:32:51,165 with James failing to appreciate 620 00:32:51,170 --> 00:32:52,633 a present we'd bought for him... 621 00:32:52,638 --> 00:32:54,801 You used to have a good sense of humour. 622 00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:57,438 I do have a good sense of humour when you're being funny. 623 00:32:57,443 --> 00:32:59,706 - Which you are sometimes. - I suggested a new idea. 624 00:32:59,711 --> 00:33:01,708 Listen, listen. I've had a thought. 625 00:33:01,713 --> 00:33:03,677 South of France is a long way away. 626 00:33:03,682 --> 00:33:07,481 So why don't we go to the north of France instead? 627 00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,583 - Yes! - That is a good idea. 628 00:33:09,588 --> 00:33:12,053 And there's much more to see and do in the north 629 00:33:12,058 --> 00:33:14,388 than there is in the south of France. 630 00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:16,823 What is there to see and do in the north of France? 631 00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:19,826 Well, there's the immigrant camp in calais. 632 00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:23,530 There's that square where they set fire to a woman. 633 00:33:23,535 --> 00:33:25,504 Yes. 634 00:33:32,378 --> 00:33:35,414 There'll be other stuff. There will be other stuff. 635 00:33:38,084 --> 00:33:40,519 Ok. Thank you very much. 636 00:33:41,820 --> 00:33:45,186 Thank you so much. Thank you. 637 00:33:45,191 --> 00:33:46,853 We'll pick that up later on, 638 00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:51,096 but now it's time to play celebrity brain crash! 639 00:33:59,138 --> 00:34:02,103 - Yeah, it's still terrible. - Awful! 640 00:34:02,108 --> 00:34:05,706 Ok, now what can we say about our guest this week? 641 00:34:05,711 --> 00:34:10,144 He's Scottish, but he won a gold medal at the Olympics. 642 00:34:10,149 --> 00:34:12,050 So of course he's British. 643 00:34:13,319 --> 00:34:15,316 He started out in cycling, 644 00:34:15,321 --> 00:34:17,484 then very wisely took up motor racing. 645 00:34:17,489 --> 00:34:19,786 He actually competed at le mans. 646 00:34:19,791 --> 00:34:21,422 But today he's in a boat. 647 00:34:21,427 --> 00:34:24,029 Ladies and gentlemen, sir Chris hoy! 648 00:34:25,631 --> 00:34:27,599 There he is! 649 00:34:28,267 --> 00:34:30,364 There he is. 650 00:34:30,369 --> 00:34:32,133 He's gonna be all right. 651 00:34:32,138 --> 00:34:34,535 He's rowing it the wrong way round. 652 00:34:34,540 --> 00:34:38,139 The great thing is, everyone, the great thing is... 653 00:34:38,144 --> 00:34:44,445 That loch ness is a peaceful, inland lake with no hazards at all. 654 00:34:44,450 --> 00:34:48,249 We may finally get a guest to the studio. 655 00:34:48,254 --> 00:34:50,417 Yeah, that would be great. Get him in unharmed. 656 00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:52,519 - Come on, sir hoy! - Come on. 657 00:34:52,524 --> 00:34:55,060 - Come on, you can do it! - Oh, my... 658 00:35:04,470 --> 00:35:07,573 What happened? How...? What...? 659 00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:11,004 Ladies and gentlemen... 660 00:35:11,009 --> 00:35:15,642 You've just applauded the tragic death of sir hoy. 661 00:35:15,647 --> 00:35:16,810 Um... 662 00:35:16,815 --> 00:35:20,681 No idea. I think he must have hit a mine. 663 00:35:20,686 --> 00:35:22,816 And there was a terrific explosion, 664 00:35:22,821 --> 00:35:23,850 you may have seen it. 665 00:35:23,855 --> 00:35:25,352 And he's now... 666 00:35:25,357 --> 00:35:26,892 Well, he's gone, hasn't he? 667 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,091 Does that mean he's not coming on, then? 668 00:35:31,096 --> 00:35:33,194 Well, James, he's exploded 669 00:35:33,199 --> 00:35:35,762 and been reduced to chops and offal. 670 00:35:35,767 --> 00:35:38,432 So that is a no. 671 00:35:38,437 --> 00:35:40,434 It's ok. I've got a backup plan. 672 00:35:40,439 --> 00:35:43,003 You know voice activation systems in cars? 673 00:35:43,008 --> 00:35:44,371 They don't really work, 674 00:35:44,376 --> 00:35:46,507 particularly they don't work in Scotland. 675 00:35:46,512 --> 00:35:49,042 As we shall now demonstrate with a short clip 676 00:35:49,047 --> 00:35:54,481 of a man trying to pair his telephone with his vauxhall. 677 00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:58,752 Pair. You can say "pair". 678 00:35:58,757 --> 00:36:04,090 Select device. For feedback, help or cancel... 679 00:36:04,095 --> 00:36:06,227 Pair. 680 00:36:06,232 --> 00:36:07,961 You can say "pair". 681 00:36:07,966 --> 00:36:10,063 I just said pair! 682 00:36:10,068 --> 00:36:12,233 Or cancel. 683 00:36:12,238 --> 00:36:14,268 Pair! 684 00:36:14,273 --> 00:36:17,304 You can say "pair". Select device. 685 00:36:17,309 --> 00:36:20,307 For feedback, help or cancel... 686 00:36:20,312 --> 00:36:23,815 Pa-a-a-ir. 687 00:36:24,750 --> 00:36:26,151 Pardon. 688 00:36:27,819 --> 00:36:30,451 What I really love about this guy 689 00:36:30,456 --> 00:36:33,687 is how long he perseveres for. 690 00:36:33,692 --> 00:36:34,855 Watch this. 691 00:36:34,860 --> 00:36:37,958 Pa-a-a-a-ir. 692 00:36:37,963 --> 00:36:40,294 Do you want to add or delete a device? 693 00:36:40,299 --> 00:36:43,163 - Yes! Add a device. - Pardon? 694 00:36:43,168 --> 00:36:45,266 Add a device. 695 00:36:45,271 --> 00:36:47,901 Using the pair function and the external device... 696 00:36:47,906 --> 00:36:50,208 Yah! 697 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:57,944 He was brilliant. Anyway... 698 00:36:57,949 --> 00:37:00,347 That is the problem. That is the problem, 699 00:37:00,352 --> 00:37:03,684 but, Hammond, i have a solution. Ok? 700 00:37:03,689 --> 00:37:05,986 No, don't scoff. Don't scoff. 701 00:37:05,991 --> 00:37:08,622 This is a system that is cheap, 702 00:37:08,627 --> 00:37:10,657 works anywhere in the world, 703 00:37:10,662 --> 00:37:12,593 and you can fit it to any car, 704 00:37:12,598 --> 00:37:14,828 no matter how old it is. 705 00:37:14,833 --> 00:37:18,999 Let me show you how it works, ok? Step in. 706 00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:21,201 Ready? Voice activation. 707 00:37:21,206 --> 00:37:23,609 Engage wipers. 708 00:37:26,312 --> 00:37:28,409 It's just a man! 709 00:37:28,414 --> 00:37:29,976 It's gavril from Bulgaria. 710 00:37:29,981 --> 00:37:33,619 He can do anything. Right, select drive. 711 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,689 There you go. Call bell-end. 712 00:37:38,890 --> 00:37:41,788 Now, he picks up the phone, he does all the dialling. 713 00:37:41,793 --> 00:37:43,890 My hands are on the wheel, I'm safe. 714 00:37:43,895 --> 00:37:46,627 He holds it next to my ear so it's hands-free. 715 00:37:46,632 --> 00:37:48,634 Who's bell-end? 716 00:37:52,338 --> 00:37:54,435 - What? - I don't want to talk to you. 717 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,837 End call! 718 00:37:56,842 --> 00:37:59,005 All right, then. 719 00:37:59,010 --> 00:38:01,107 Punch driver. 720 00:38:01,112 --> 00:38:03,076 Punch... it doesn't work. 721 00:38:03,081 --> 00:38:05,912 He won't respond to you, only me. That's the genius. 722 00:38:05,917 --> 00:38:08,349 And it gets better. Get out, ok. 723 00:38:08,354 --> 00:38:10,083 He locks the doors. 724 00:38:10,088 --> 00:38:12,753 And then he opens them when I get back 725 00:38:12,758 --> 00:38:14,788 so I don't have to have any keys with me, 726 00:38:14,793 --> 00:38:17,996 which would spoil the line of my Jean trouser. 727 00:38:19,164 --> 00:38:20,694 Let me just re-cap this, ok. 728 00:38:20,699 --> 00:38:22,996 So in whitby you turned a Romanian man 729 00:38:23,001 --> 00:38:24,965 - into a self-driving car. - Yes, I did. 730 00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:27,067 You turned me into a parking sensor. 731 00:38:27,072 --> 00:38:30,003 And now you've turned a Bulgarian man into a voice-control system. 732 00:38:30,008 --> 00:38:33,674 - Yes. - There's a theme establishing itself here, 733 00:38:33,679 --> 00:38:37,716 with your inventions, and it is that you're a moron. 734 00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:40,614 A-ha. Ok. Watch this. 735 00:38:40,619 --> 00:38:42,883 You know, in a modern BMW 7 series, 736 00:38:42,888 --> 00:38:45,051 you have back seats that massage you 737 00:38:45,056 --> 00:38:47,759 - as you drive along, yeah? - Yes. 738 00:38:49,695 --> 00:38:51,892 What I've done in here... Is just genius. 739 00:38:51,897 --> 00:38:55,729 I have scooped out the middle of that back seat, ok? 740 00:38:55,734 --> 00:38:57,931 And then you can fit it with a dwan fen. 741 00:38:57,936 --> 00:38:59,900 - What's a dwan fen? - She's here. 742 00:38:59,905 --> 00:39:03,408 She's from Thailand. 743 00:39:04,576 --> 00:39:06,773 I don't know why people are laughing at this. 744 00:39:06,778 --> 00:39:09,910 She now blends perfectly with the seat, ok? 745 00:39:09,915 --> 00:39:12,012 She is the seat. 746 00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:14,352 So I step in... like so. 747 00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:19,753 And then... I get a massage as I drive along. 748 00:39:19,758 --> 00:39:21,655 Ooh! 749 00:39:21,660 --> 00:39:25,426 James, James... he's sitting on a thai woman now. 750 00:39:25,431 --> 00:39:27,728 I know. Come back over here, and we'll move it on. 751 00:39:27,733 --> 00:39:29,796 We'll go back to the Maserati film. 752 00:39:29,801 --> 00:39:31,465 Now, so far we have established 753 00:39:31,470 --> 00:39:33,133 that I've broken my arm, 754 00:39:33,138 --> 00:39:36,437 but that the cars are working really rather well. 755 00:39:36,442 --> 00:39:38,104 Yes! And we rejoin the action 756 00:39:38,109 --> 00:39:40,040 after a night in a town called deauville, 757 00:39:40,045 --> 00:39:43,276 where Jeremy had, for reasons known only to himself, 758 00:39:43,281 --> 00:39:45,078 decided to re-enact 759 00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:50,484 the famous vw golf advert from the '80s. 760 00:39:50,489 --> 00:39:54,455 This is the man who put a million on black 761 00:39:54,460 --> 00:39:56,294 and it came up red. 762 00:39:58,930 --> 00:40:02,028 This is the man who married a sex kitten, 763 00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:05,270 just as she turned into a cat. 764 00:40:07,038 --> 00:40:10,571 This is the man who moved into gold, 765 00:40:10,576 --> 00:40:13,478 just as the clever money moved out. 766 00:40:17,949 --> 00:40:23,822 This is the man who drives a Maserati. 767 00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:35,562 Start, you vicious bastard! 768 00:40:35,567 --> 00:40:40,333 Of course, being a Maserati, it did eventually begin. 769 00:40:40,338 --> 00:40:45,038 So we then fitted James's wheel with a new knob... 770 00:40:45,043 --> 00:40:48,146 And decided to go and play on the beach. 771 00:40:56,855 --> 00:40:58,289 Ha-ha! 772 00:41:08,233 --> 00:41:09,796 You really would have trouble doing this 773 00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:11,898 on a beach in the south of France 774 00:41:11,903 --> 00:41:14,835 because the whole thing would be covered 775 00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:18,605 in people turning their plastic surgery brown. 776 00:41:18,610 --> 00:41:22,047 Ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. 777 00:41:24,015 --> 00:41:26,112 In the sea! 778 00:41:26,117 --> 00:41:28,419 Whoa! 779 00:41:30,656 --> 00:41:33,324 You can take a Maserati in the sea... 780 00:41:34,693 --> 00:41:37,958 Because the rust-proofing is so good. 781 00:41:37,963 --> 00:41:40,994 After that, we enjoyed a picturesque walk 782 00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:43,096 and a philosophical debate. 783 00:41:43,101 --> 00:41:46,132 Is there anything on earth which is worse 784 00:41:46,137 --> 00:41:49,135 than having another man put sun cream on your back? 785 00:41:49,140 --> 00:41:50,637 I've never experienced that. 786 00:41:50,642 --> 00:41:53,574 And then we played some sport. 787 00:41:53,579 --> 00:41:55,241 Penalty shoot-out 788 00:41:55,246 --> 00:41:58,416 in maseratis on a beach in northern France. 789 00:42:08,827 --> 00:42:10,323 With our ball gone, 790 00:42:10,328 --> 00:42:12,225 we continued on our tour of normandy, 791 00:42:12,230 --> 00:42:17,535 with our badly-built colleague moaning constantly. 792 00:42:19,304 --> 00:42:21,367 Has he been swapped for an old lady? 793 00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:23,670 He's always been an old lady. 794 00:42:23,675 --> 00:42:25,806 He was born an old lady! 795 00:42:25,811 --> 00:42:28,313 "Congratulations, mrs may. It's an old lady!" 796 00:42:31,449 --> 00:42:36,082 As darkness fell, we reached the ancient town of honfleur, 797 00:42:36,087 --> 00:42:38,118 where we decided to spend the night. 798 00:42:38,123 --> 00:42:40,821 Unfortunately, to reach our hotel, 799 00:42:40,826 --> 00:42:42,956 we had to navigate through a maze 800 00:42:42,961 --> 00:42:45,931 of tiny, medieval streets. 801 00:42:48,834 --> 00:42:51,531 Pardon. Sorry. 802 00:42:51,536 --> 00:42:54,940 This is narrow. Isn't it narrow? 803 00:42:57,308 --> 00:42:59,210 No. 804 00:43:02,648 --> 00:43:06,079 How did people manage in this town in the olden days 805 00:43:06,084 --> 00:43:08,954 when nobody had power steering? 806 00:43:09,688 --> 00:43:11,222 Oh, no. 807 00:43:12,457 --> 00:43:14,960 I do that how? 808 00:43:17,896 --> 00:43:20,398 Oh, my god. 809 00:43:21,299 --> 00:43:23,368 I'm totally stuck. 810 00:43:26,738 --> 00:43:29,507 Ow, ow, ow, ow. Cobbles. 811 00:43:33,845 --> 00:43:36,281 God almighty. 812 00:43:37,716 --> 00:43:40,051 I'm not sure that's possible. 813 00:43:48,259 --> 00:43:50,691 Oh, for... is that...? 814 00:43:50,696 --> 00:43:52,458 You're in the way. 815 00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:54,761 It's a one-way street my way. 816 00:43:54,766 --> 00:43:56,062 It's a one-way street, yes. 817 00:43:56,067 --> 00:43:58,298 That's why me and the other cars 818 00:43:58,303 --> 00:44:00,166 are all coming this way. 819 00:44:00,171 --> 00:44:03,469 Please don't make me back up with this steering. 820 00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:06,506 Come on, it's a workout. 821 00:44:06,511 --> 00:44:08,308 Hammond, I am gonna kill you. 822 00:44:08,313 --> 00:44:11,149 Moment, s'il vous plaît. 823 00:44:12,450 --> 00:44:14,514 Mon ami... 824 00:44:14,519 --> 00:44:18,551 Il a conduit-ay son voiture 825 00:44:18,556 --> 00:44:20,158 comme la gorilla. 826 00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:26,793 Vous devrez... le jambon 827 00:44:26,798 --> 00:44:28,962 prenez la rue à gauche 828 00:44:28,967 --> 00:44:33,399 et nous sommes les champignons! 829 00:44:33,404 --> 00:44:37,303 With Jeremy out of the way, i could move on. 830 00:44:37,308 --> 00:44:39,205 But then... 831 00:44:39,210 --> 00:44:42,408 Hammond, is that you with yellow lights coming up here? 832 00:44:42,413 --> 00:44:45,445 - Oh, my god. - That's a bit of bad luck. 833 00:44:45,450 --> 00:44:47,647 You're going to have to reverse up there, aren't you? 834 00:44:47,652 --> 00:44:50,583 I can't back up because it's preposterously narrow 835 00:44:50,588 --> 00:44:53,353 and I can't swivel my head round to look behind me. 836 00:44:53,358 --> 00:44:54,487 So now what? 837 00:44:54,492 --> 00:44:56,022 Well, I'm going the right way 838 00:44:56,027 --> 00:44:57,490 down the one-way street, 839 00:44:57,495 --> 00:44:59,159 so I have right of way. 840 00:44:59,164 --> 00:45:00,861 Urgh! 841 00:45:00,866 --> 00:45:03,930 Sorry, Hammond, you'll have to direct me a bit. 842 00:45:03,935 --> 00:45:07,133 - Right a bit. - My right or your right? 843 00:45:07,138 --> 00:45:08,668 Well, my right. Which is your left 844 00:45:08,673 --> 00:45:11,071 but you're steering in reverse. 845 00:45:11,076 --> 00:45:12,806 Hold it there and I'll go left. 846 00:45:12,811 --> 00:45:14,240 Your left or my left? 847 00:45:14,245 --> 00:45:16,376 Your right, my left as I'm looking. 848 00:45:16,381 --> 00:45:20,814 And your right as you're looking, I.E. Your right. 849 00:45:20,819 --> 00:45:22,615 I had found the hotel, 850 00:45:22,620 --> 00:45:25,285 but clearly my colleagues were going to be a while. 851 00:45:25,290 --> 00:45:27,821 When you say my left, do you mean my left 852 00:45:27,826 --> 00:45:29,555 if I'm facing the way I'm going 853 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,057 or facing the way I'm facing? 854 00:45:31,062 --> 00:45:32,525 Good point. 855 00:45:32,530 --> 00:45:35,796 Your left is still my right. 856 00:45:35,801 --> 00:45:39,599 But you're going backwards. Just drive backwards! 857 00:45:39,604 --> 00:45:41,968 I'm going to the hotel now but I'll leave this on 858 00:45:41,973 --> 00:45:44,704 so you can stay in tune with what they're doing. 859 00:45:44,709 --> 00:45:46,807 I don't believe I've come the wrong way 860 00:45:46,812 --> 00:45:48,909 down a one-way street. I know. 861 00:45:48,914 --> 00:45:51,878 Are you making your situation better or worse? 862 00:45:51,883 --> 00:45:55,015 Better? Worse? Better? Worse? 863 00:45:55,020 --> 00:45:58,819 When Richard and James did finally join me, 864 00:45:58,824 --> 00:46:00,320 we reflected over dinner 865 00:46:00,325 --> 00:46:03,289 about our time in the north of France. 866 00:46:03,294 --> 00:46:06,126 It's been just a tremendous journey. 867 00:46:06,131 --> 00:46:08,829 We've had three maseratis out here for three days 868 00:46:08,834 --> 00:46:11,464 and we've only had one minor fire. 869 00:46:11,469 --> 00:46:14,700 Can I just say, and I'm being absolutely honest here, 870 00:46:14,705 --> 00:46:16,136 I love my Maserati. 871 00:46:16,141 --> 00:46:18,604 - I've totally fallen for it. - Yes. 872 00:46:18,609 --> 00:46:20,706 I really like mine. 873 00:46:20,711 --> 00:46:22,208 No car makes a better noise. 874 00:46:22,213 --> 00:46:24,310 No two-litre car makes a better noise than that. 875 00:46:24,315 --> 00:46:26,379 I love it more now than when I started. 876 00:46:26,384 --> 00:46:28,214 I definitely want to keep mine. 877 00:46:28,219 --> 00:46:31,117 I want to know what it's like to drive with two arms. 878 00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:33,219 Because we all loved our cars so much, 879 00:46:33,224 --> 00:46:35,721 I decided we should end our road trip 880 00:46:35,726 --> 00:46:38,124 with a spicy climax. 881 00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:41,361 Why don't we race back to england, ok? 882 00:46:41,366 --> 00:46:44,602 First thing in the morning. Last one back there... 883 00:46:45,436 --> 00:46:47,200 Has to sell their car. 884 00:46:47,205 --> 00:46:49,402 - Ooh, that's cruel. - That's harsh. 885 00:46:49,407 --> 00:46:53,444 It's not entirely fair on me, is it? 886 00:46:54,279 --> 00:46:55,441 Hello. Why not? 887 00:46:55,446 --> 00:46:57,878 You chose to come equipped with one arm. 888 00:46:57,883 --> 00:46:59,345 It's your issue, not ours. 889 00:46:59,350 --> 00:47:02,448 So we set off from here, all at the same time. 890 00:47:02,453 --> 00:47:06,291 Any route you like. Last one... 891 00:47:06,892 --> 00:47:08,989 Back on English soil, 892 00:47:08,994 --> 00:47:10,323 has to sell their car. 893 00:47:10,328 --> 00:47:12,125 I'm up for it. I'll risk it 894 00:47:12,130 --> 00:47:14,194 cos that'll make the trip home exciting. 895 00:47:14,199 --> 00:47:16,334 I'll do it. Last one home... 896 00:47:23,074 --> 00:47:24,938 As dawn broke, 897 00:47:24,943 --> 00:47:26,973 we lined up outside the hotel, 898 00:47:26,978 --> 00:47:28,975 ready for the off. 899 00:47:28,980 --> 00:47:30,911 Gentlemen, it's ten to four in the morning. 900 00:47:30,916 --> 00:47:32,745 Let's do this. 901 00:47:32,750 --> 00:47:35,620 In three, two, one... begin! 902 00:47:44,229 --> 00:47:46,092 Blast! 903 00:47:46,097 --> 00:47:47,832 Come on! 904 00:47:51,202 --> 00:47:53,366 No! No! 905 00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:55,840 At all costs, I am winning this. 906 00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:04,544 This is typical. Typical of Italian cars. 907 00:48:04,549 --> 00:48:07,013 They wait until you really need them, 908 00:48:07,018 --> 00:48:09,983 and then they go wrong. 909 00:48:09,988 --> 00:48:12,018 "Oh, darling, darling, I'm in labour! Quickly!" 910 00:48:12,023 --> 00:48:14,525 "Yes, I'm on my way in my Maserati." 911 00:48:18,096 --> 00:48:20,598 Right. Up here. 912 00:48:21,499 --> 00:48:24,535 Some of this is familiar, which is bad. 913 00:48:25,603 --> 00:48:28,701 Oh, no, not lost now. 914 00:48:28,706 --> 00:48:31,671 Once again, I'd managed to coax my car 915 00:48:31,676 --> 00:48:33,139 into some kind of life 916 00:48:33,144 --> 00:48:34,975 and I was on my way. 917 00:48:34,980 --> 00:48:37,448 So, straight out of town. 918 00:48:38,984 --> 00:48:43,283 Sounding healthy. 919 00:48:43,288 --> 00:48:45,585 With a top speed of about 12, 920 00:48:45,590 --> 00:48:48,188 I was headed for the ferry port of le havre. 921 00:48:48,193 --> 00:48:49,855 The trouble is that logically, 922 00:48:49,860 --> 00:48:52,930 the others would be doing the same thing. 923 00:48:55,033 --> 00:48:59,670 Car, clear your throat, please. 924 00:49:01,672 --> 00:49:03,669 I'm out! 925 00:49:03,674 --> 00:49:05,776 Right, england, here I come. 926 00:49:08,279 --> 00:49:11,077 Clear your throat, car! Clear it! 927 00:49:11,082 --> 00:49:12,812 Or we shall be last. 928 00:49:12,817 --> 00:49:15,886 And then I shall have to sell you, and not to someone nice. 929 00:49:17,622 --> 00:49:19,685 You know that man who has sex with his cars 930 00:49:19,690 --> 00:49:22,188 and then puts pictures of it on the Internet? 931 00:49:22,193 --> 00:49:24,024 I'm going to sell you to him 932 00:49:24,029 --> 00:49:27,460 unless you get going. Now, come on! 933 00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:30,163 - Hang on a minute. - No! 934 00:49:30,168 --> 00:49:32,437 No, no, no, no! 935 00:49:37,075 --> 00:49:38,609 Big road. Yes! 936 00:49:41,046 --> 00:49:42,442 James, meanwhile, 937 00:49:42,447 --> 00:49:44,210 was dawdling along at the back. 938 00:49:44,215 --> 00:49:48,881 Yet he seemed strangely unconcerned about this. 939 00:49:48,886 --> 00:49:51,817 On the face of it, viewers, this isn't much of a race, 940 00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:54,287 because I've got the slowest car, we know that. 941 00:49:54,292 --> 00:49:56,522 I only have the use of one arm 942 00:49:56,527 --> 00:49:57,823 and I'm steering 943 00:49:57,828 --> 00:50:01,161 with a squeaky frog bolted to the wheel. 944 00:50:01,166 --> 00:50:03,829 However, it's not that simple. 945 00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:06,866 In fact, 946 00:50:06,871 --> 00:50:09,069 I believe I will be first. 947 00:50:09,074 --> 00:50:12,238 Because he who is last shall be first. 948 00:50:12,243 --> 00:50:14,645 As we know. 949 00:50:17,815 --> 00:50:20,150 Coming up now to the motorway. 950 00:50:23,821 --> 00:50:26,056 Come on, car. Please! 951 00:50:29,494 --> 00:50:31,591 It's made it up the slip road. 952 00:50:31,596 --> 00:50:34,694 Have you ever known a car with more spirit 953 00:50:34,699 --> 00:50:37,463 than this magnificent Maserati? 954 00:50:37,468 --> 00:50:41,267 However, the gradient on the slip road was nothing 955 00:50:41,272 --> 00:50:43,641 compared to what lay ahead. 956 00:50:48,679 --> 00:50:50,581 Oh, my giddy aunt. 957 00:50:53,984 --> 00:50:56,349 Port, where is it? 958 00:50:56,354 --> 00:50:58,684 If I get there first, I've got to wait for the ferry. 959 00:50:58,689 --> 00:51:00,853 They could catch up, but I'll be ahead in the queue. 960 00:51:00,858 --> 00:51:03,989 Whoever gets on the boat first gets off the boat first, 961 00:51:03,994 --> 00:51:05,325 and you can't change that. 962 00:51:05,330 --> 00:51:07,860 First on the boat is first off the boat. 963 00:51:07,865 --> 00:51:09,165 They win. 964 00:51:18,976 --> 00:51:20,406 Right, calm, Jeremy, calm. 965 00:51:20,411 --> 00:51:22,442 You're on a motorway. 966 00:51:22,447 --> 00:51:24,277 On an enormous bridge, 967 00:51:24,282 --> 00:51:26,451 surrounded by many heavy lorries. 968 00:51:29,420 --> 00:51:31,451 Oh, no. 969 00:51:31,456 --> 00:51:33,886 I can hear the exhaust spluttering. 970 00:51:33,891 --> 00:51:37,662 Smoke. A lot of smoke now. 971 00:51:39,964 --> 00:51:43,468 Please! Please work! 972 00:51:44,735 --> 00:51:48,168 Mercifully, I reach the top of the bridge. 973 00:51:48,173 --> 00:51:51,008 But then... 974 00:51:54,078 --> 00:51:55,441 It's dead. 975 00:51:55,446 --> 00:51:58,378 Shit, I've lost braking. I have lost braking. 976 00:51:58,383 --> 00:52:01,447 Bloody hell. Handbrake not working, either. 977 00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:03,983 I've lost all brakes. 978 00:52:03,988 --> 00:52:06,524 There was only one thing for it. 979 00:52:10,895 --> 00:52:12,492 I have no brakes! 980 00:52:12,497 --> 00:52:13,993 You've just hit our car! 981 00:52:13,998 --> 00:52:15,295 I haven't got any brakes! 982 00:52:15,300 --> 00:52:16,929 They're not pleased 983 00:52:16,934 --> 00:52:19,699 about being used as a brake. 984 00:52:19,704 --> 00:52:21,201 This is totally illegal, by the way, 985 00:52:21,206 --> 00:52:22,202 on a French motorway. 986 00:52:22,207 --> 00:52:24,337 Right, so I've no brakes 987 00:52:24,342 --> 00:52:26,010 and no engine. 988 00:52:31,316 --> 00:52:33,751 Think, Jeremy, think. 989 00:52:36,020 --> 00:52:38,718 Port. Yes, hello. 990 00:52:38,723 --> 00:52:41,221 Unaware of Jeremy's problems, 991 00:52:41,226 --> 00:52:43,828 I was keeping the hammer down. 992 00:52:45,330 --> 00:52:46,859 Holiday-makers! 993 00:52:46,864 --> 00:52:49,967 I hate holiday-makers! 994 00:52:52,102 --> 00:52:54,467 Trucks. 995 00:52:54,472 --> 00:52:57,670 I'm going to get caught up with all the trucks. 996 00:52:57,675 --> 00:53:01,145 Meanwhile, back in the land of captain cryptic... 997 00:53:06,617 --> 00:53:08,314 Do you know, I'm so relaxed about this, 998 00:53:08,319 --> 00:53:09,649 I think, in a short while, 999 00:53:09,654 --> 00:53:11,951 I might stop for a pleasant coffee 1000 00:53:11,956 --> 00:53:14,825 and a read of the newspaper. 1001 00:53:17,295 --> 00:53:19,392 Not got time for you, mate. I'm sorry. 1002 00:53:19,397 --> 00:53:21,799 Car! Car! 1003 00:53:24,001 --> 00:53:26,031 Oh, god. Another roundabout. 1004 00:53:26,036 --> 00:53:28,673 It's like I'm in the middle of bloody town. 1005 00:53:30,641 --> 00:53:32,738 I need to find my own route. 1006 00:53:32,743 --> 00:53:35,145 There must be sneaky ways through. 1007 00:53:41,619 --> 00:53:43,621 This could be good. This could be good. 1008 00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:53,726 Down there. 1009 00:53:53,731 --> 00:53:55,700 Oh! 1010 00:53:56,734 --> 00:53:57,663 Dead end. 1011 00:53:57,668 --> 00:54:00,170 Not that way. Bloody hell. 1012 00:54:16,020 --> 00:54:20,124 My shortcut wasn't going well. 1013 00:54:23,928 --> 00:54:27,031 Where are they and more importantly where am I? 1014 00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:34,066 This was a mistake. This is making things worse. 1015 00:54:34,071 --> 00:54:36,135 It's just costing time. 1016 00:54:36,140 --> 00:54:38,103 And, as it turned out, 1017 00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:41,341 time was something i didn't have. 1018 00:54:41,346 --> 00:54:44,043 I am now down to one turbo charger, 1019 00:54:44,048 --> 00:54:45,783 but I'm back in the race. 1020 00:54:49,354 --> 00:54:55,220 Yes, I'm at the wheel of a Renault dci 120 tow truck. 1021 00:54:55,225 --> 00:54:56,789 And what's more, I've decided 1022 00:54:56,794 --> 00:54:59,797 to head for the port as the crow flies. 1023 00:55:02,633 --> 00:55:04,935 Oh, yes! 1024 00:55:09,106 --> 00:55:11,676 Oh, god, no! 1025 00:55:13,511 --> 00:55:16,013 This looks good. 1026 00:55:17,382 --> 00:55:19,349 Yes. Ferry terminal. 1027 00:55:20,184 --> 00:55:21,886 This is all correct. 1028 00:55:26,190 --> 00:55:27,420 That is Jeremy! 1029 00:55:27,425 --> 00:55:28,521 There's Hammond! 1030 00:55:28,526 --> 00:55:30,255 What is he doing? 1031 00:55:30,260 --> 00:55:32,730 Kill him! 1032 00:55:34,399 --> 00:55:36,701 I have to win. I have to win. 1033 00:55:37,902 --> 00:55:41,271 A roundabout. Oh, bloody hell. Really? 1034 00:55:44,809 --> 00:55:48,273 The problem was that the port of le havre is so vast 1035 00:55:48,278 --> 00:55:51,777 and so complex, it was very easy to get lost. 1036 00:55:51,782 --> 00:55:55,185 This was still anyone's race. 1037 00:55:59,690 --> 00:56:01,554 Where is Hammond? Where is may? 1038 00:56:01,559 --> 00:56:03,127 Where is the boat? 1039 00:56:04,562 --> 00:56:07,031 Come on, come on, come on. 1040 00:56:17,908 --> 00:56:20,444 This is wrong. This is wrong. 1041 00:56:27,752 --> 00:56:29,148 It's got to be down here. 1042 00:56:29,153 --> 00:56:31,388 Yes! 1043 00:56:33,758 --> 00:56:37,657 Did I have some carpet stuck under the throttle? 1044 00:56:37,662 --> 00:56:41,265 Cos my dci 120's going like a bastard! 1045 00:56:47,972 --> 00:56:51,475 Yes! This looks good. This is the place. 1046 00:56:55,580 --> 00:56:58,778 Good Van. Good Van. The boat is there. 1047 00:56:58,783 --> 00:57:02,319 There is Richard Hammond. Is James may here? 1048 00:57:03,488 --> 00:57:05,150 No, he is not! 1049 00:57:05,155 --> 00:57:06,786 He is not. 1050 00:57:06,791 --> 00:57:08,993 Yes! 1051 00:57:10,661 --> 00:57:13,497 Ha-ha! No may? 1052 00:57:17,668 --> 00:57:19,298 No, and there wouldn't be, 1053 00:57:19,303 --> 00:57:21,567 because I was in another part of the port 1054 00:57:21,572 --> 00:57:23,636 with my own travel plans. 1055 00:57:23,641 --> 00:57:26,005 Last night, after the other two had gone to bed, 1056 00:57:26,010 --> 00:57:28,541 I arranged for our company yacht 1057 00:57:28,546 --> 00:57:31,677 to be waiting for me in the harbour. 1058 00:57:31,682 --> 00:57:33,984 And there it is! 1059 00:57:39,524 --> 00:57:42,888 I simply drive up, hop aboard, 1060 00:57:42,893 --> 00:57:44,862 and then we'll be on our way. 1061 00:58:11,121 --> 00:58:14,053 - He lived, annoyingly. - Hold on, hold on. 1062 00:58:14,058 --> 00:58:15,921 Hold on. Hammond. 1063 00:58:15,926 --> 00:58:17,757 I need to ask you about this. 1064 00:58:17,762 --> 00:58:21,326 Why did you stick "deshabille" on my car? 1065 00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:24,063 Because you were disabled. 1066 00:58:24,068 --> 00:58:28,568 Déshabillé means undressed, you moron! 1067 00:58:28,573 --> 00:58:30,435 Let's not get bogged down 1068 00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:31,971 with "ooh, can't speak French." 1069 00:58:31,976 --> 00:58:35,808 Let's get to the point which is, James may, 1070 00:58:35,813 --> 00:58:38,978 you lost and you broke the company yacht. 1071 00:58:38,983 --> 00:58:40,746 - You did. - Hang on a minute. 1072 00:58:40,751 --> 00:58:43,749 My car got closer to england than yours did. 1073 00:58:43,754 --> 00:58:45,585 Yes, but the other thing it got closest to 1074 00:58:45,590 --> 00:58:47,219 was the bottom of the sea. 1075 00:58:47,224 --> 00:58:48,921 All of that is irrelevant 1076 00:58:48,926 --> 00:58:50,656 because my car was the best, 1077 00:58:50,661 --> 00:58:52,491 cos it didn't go wrong at all. 1078 00:58:52,496 --> 00:58:54,126 Mine was perfectly reliable. 1079 00:58:54,131 --> 00:58:57,196 Mm-hm. Mine was as reliable as James's arms. 1080 00:58:57,201 --> 00:59:01,333 And the extraordinary thing is, no-one can work out 1081 00:59:01,338 --> 00:59:02,702 what was wrong with it. 1082 00:59:02,707 --> 00:59:04,970 It fell off the back of a lorry. 1083 00:59:04,975 --> 00:59:06,939 No-one can work out what fault it had 1084 00:59:06,944 --> 00:59:09,775 that caused it to be on the lorry in the first place. 1085 00:59:09,780 --> 00:59:11,877 And even nine months down the line, 1086 00:59:11,882 --> 00:59:15,948 two trained Maserati mechanics are totally stumped. 1087 00:59:15,953 --> 00:59:18,417 It is an unfathomable fault. 1088 00:59:18,422 --> 00:59:20,285 Yeah, so what we can conclude 1089 00:59:20,290 --> 00:59:23,623 from our exhaustive testing in the north of France 1090 00:59:23,628 --> 00:59:25,691 is that if you buy a used Maserati, 1091 00:59:25,696 --> 00:59:29,299 you have a 66% chance of it working. 1092 00:59:30,367 --> 00:59:31,631 They're not bad odds. 1093 00:59:31,636 --> 00:59:32,965 You wouldn't say that 1094 00:59:32,970 --> 00:59:35,334 if you were having an eye operation. 1095 00:59:35,339 --> 00:59:37,837 Exactly. And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. 1096 00:59:37,842 --> 00:59:40,677 Thank you so much for watching. Good night! 1097 00:59:41,305 --> 00:59:47,316 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/87tee Help other users to choose the best subtitles