1 00:00:04,087 --> 00:00:07,173 CBS presents this program in color. 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:15,074 Who are the real-world Illuminati ? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com 3 00:00:23,021 --> 00:00:24,814 ( theme song playing ) 4 00:01:04,476 --> 00:01:06,394 Halt! 5 00:01:06,436 --> 00:01:09,022 Easy, Schultz, it's only me, Carter. 6 00:01:09,063 --> 00:01:11,274 Oh. You scared me. 7 00:01:11,315 --> 00:01:13,025 Light. 8 00:01:17,655 --> 00:01:19,865 Hold this. 9 00:01:35,671 --> 00:01:38,882 Hey, hey, hey, hey. My rifle. 10 00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:40,425 Sorry, Schultz. 11 00:01:44,429 --> 00:01:45,430 I don't keep it loaded. 12 00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:49,809 Thanks for the light, Schultz. 13 00:02:10,578 --> 00:02:13,748 Hello, Mama Bear. Hello, Mama Bear. 14 00:02:13,789 --> 00:02:14,707 This is Goldilocks. 15 00:02:17,418 --> 00:02:20,545 Mama Bear to Goldilocks, stand by for transmission. 16 00:02:20,587 --> 00:02:22,672 Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. 17 00:02:22,714 --> 00:02:24,341 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 18 00:02:24,382 --> 00:02:26,926 All the King's horses and all the King's men 19 00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:29,887 could not put Humpty Dumpty back together again, 20 00:02:29,887 --> 00:02:33,516 even though they tried for two days. Over and out. 21 00:02:33,683 --> 00:02:34,683 What's it mean? 22 00:02:34,683 --> 00:02:36,018 Yeah, what is it? 23 00:02:36,060 --> 00:02:38,103 He'll finish. Hold it, hold it one minute, one minute, one minute. 24 00:02:38,145 --> 00:02:39,688 What? 25 00:02:39,730 --> 00:02:43,650 All right. "Probing raid, repeat probing raid. 26 00:02:43,650 --> 00:02:46,111 "Not an invasion. 27 00:02:46,152 --> 00:02:49,447 "Sector Q-19, 48 hours. 28 00:02:49,489 --> 00:02:51,782 "Birthday present for Adolf. 29 00:02:51,782 --> 00:02:54,660 "Need latest information troop movements your area. 30 00:02:54,702 --> 00:02:56,662 "Last transmission 1500 hours tomorrow. 31 00:02:56,704 --> 00:02:58,372 "Following that, radio silence. 32 00:02:58,414 --> 00:03:02,417 Cease all escape activity. Surprise essential." 33 00:03:02,459 --> 00:03:03,502 What a birthday present, huh? 34 00:03:03,543 --> 00:03:05,003 We're really going to give it to 'em, huh? 35 00:03:05,045 --> 00:03:06,046 See how the Krauts like it. 36 00:03:06,087 --> 00:03:07,005 Hold it, hold it! 37 00:03:07,046 --> 00:03:08,631 This is a reconnaissance job. 38 00:03:08,673 --> 00:03:10,967 I need a volunteer who's got plenty of guts 39 00:03:11,008 --> 00:03:11,968 and can move fast. 40 00:03:12,009 --> 00:03:13,386 Oh, you can depend on us, Colonel. 41 00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:15,054 Oh, yeah, we'll figure somebody to send. 42 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,138 Sure, one of us will be glad to go. 43 00:03:16,180 --> 00:03:17,222 Come on. I said volunteer. 44 00:03:17,222 --> 00:03:18,557 I can't order you to go on a mission like this. 45 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,977 Now, who's going to step forward and take this job? 46 00:03:22,019 --> 00:03:23,103 Thank you, LeBeau. 47 00:03:24,563 --> 00:03:25,939 I didn't move a muscle. 48 00:03:25,980 --> 00:03:27,482 You've got that volunteer look. 49 00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,861 That's how I got married. 50 00:03:31,903 --> 00:03:33,696 "Volunteer" the same way. 51 00:03:59,428 --> 00:04:00,846 ( crickets chirping ) 52 00:04:28,079 --> 00:04:31,541 Goldilocks calling Mama Bear. Goldilocks calling Mama Bear. 53 00:04:31,541 --> 00:04:34,877 Come in, Mama Bear, come in. 54 00:04:34,919 --> 00:04:37,546 It's no use, Colonel. They've shut down. 55 00:04:37,588 --> 00:04:40,924 They warned us: radio silence till after the raid. 56 00:04:40,966 --> 00:04:42,551 Missed them by less than two hours. 57 00:04:42,592 --> 00:04:44,761 Gee, I couldn't help from being late, Colonel. 58 00:04:44,803 --> 00:04:45,762 A patrol stopped me. 59 00:04:45,804 --> 00:04:47,805 The area was crawling with Krauts. 60 00:04:47,805 --> 00:04:49,640 I had to make a big detour to get back. 61 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,058 You could have moved a little faster. 62 00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:52,727 Oh, yeah? I'm dressed like an old woman. 63 00:04:52,768 --> 00:04:54,186 And why would a little old woman 64 00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:55,187 be running through the woods? 65 00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:56,230 You tell me that. 66 00:04:56,272 --> 00:04:57,356 You could always say 67 00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,816 you were being chased by a little old man. 68 00:04:59,858 --> 00:05:01,276 All right. All right, all right. 69 00:05:01,276 --> 00:05:02,360 Knock it off. 70 00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:03,361 We got a problem. 71 00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:04,154 Headquarters doesn't know 72 00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:06,489 they've moved in a gun emplacement 73 00:05:06,531 --> 00:05:08,866 and we don't have any communications. 74 00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:09,951 The map. 75 00:05:09,992 --> 00:05:13,079 Shmeckhausen is the reference point, Colonel. 76 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:19,209 All right, Schmeckburg, Schmeckhof, Shmeckstadt. 77 00:05:19,251 --> 00:05:21,878 Here it is, Shmeckhausen. 78 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,381 That battery commands a whole section of the beach. 79 00:05:24,422 --> 00:05:26,091 Exactly. They'll smash the raid 80 00:05:26,132 --> 00:05:28,218 before it gets started. 81 00:05:28,259 --> 00:05:29,344 Sitting ducks. 82 00:05:29,385 --> 00:05:30,386 How many guns? 83 00:05:30,428 --> 00:05:33,806 I counted twelve; all 88s. 84 00:05:33,848 --> 00:05:35,057 Oh, murder. 85 00:05:35,099 --> 00:05:36,850 If only we could knock 'em out. 86 00:05:36,892 --> 00:05:39,561 Hey, maybe hand grenades would do a little damage. 87 00:05:39,603 --> 00:05:42,314 It's 15 miles from here at least. 88 00:05:42,314 --> 00:05:43,857 I'll warm up my pitching arm. 89 00:05:43,899 --> 00:05:45,066 Well, let's face it. 90 00:05:45,108 --> 00:05:47,652 Adolf's going to have a nice present for his birthday: 91 00:05:47,694 --> 00:05:50,363 Allied landing knocked out before it starts. 92 00:05:50,405 --> 00:05:53,115 If only we could... 93 00:05:53,115 --> 00:05:54,658 LeBeau. 94 00:05:54,742 --> 00:05:56,535 Did I volunteer for something again? 95 00:05:56,577 --> 00:05:57,536 You're beautiful! 96 00:05:57,578 --> 00:05:58,620 I am? 97 00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:01,707 You said the magic word, "Adolf's birthday." 98 00:06:01,748 --> 00:06:03,458 What are the forgery boys working on? 99 00:06:03,458 --> 00:06:04,501 Fake raffle tickets. 100 00:06:04,542 --> 00:06:06,461 We've been selling them to the Krauts. 101 00:06:06,461 --> 00:06:07,629 Raffle tickets? 102 00:06:07,629 --> 00:06:09,172 Yeah. It's an all-expense- paid trip to New Orleans 103 00:06:09,213 --> 00:06:09,964 for the Mardi Gras. 104 00:06:10,006 --> 00:06:11,424 It's for after the war. 105 00:06:11,424 --> 00:06:13,092 All right, look, tell them I need a set of orders 106 00:06:13,092 --> 00:06:14,427 for the commander of that gun battery. 107 00:06:14,468 --> 00:06:15,469 You got it. 108 00:06:15,511 --> 00:06:16,595 Newkirk, I need a motorcycle 109 00:06:16,595 --> 00:06:17,846 and a sidecar from the car pool. 110 00:06:17,888 --> 00:06:19,056 You got it. 111 00:06:19,056 --> 00:06:20,265 I need some German uniforms. 112 00:06:20,307 --> 00:06:22,392 Uh, make 'em infantry, enlisted men for a change. 113 00:06:22,392 --> 00:06:23,518 You got it. 114 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:24,728 All right, let me see: 115 00:06:24,769 --> 00:06:26,980 we got uniforms, orders, transportation. 116 00:06:27,021 --> 00:06:28,022 Did I forget anything? 117 00:06:28,022 --> 00:06:29,941 Yeah, how about assigning a couple of guys 118 00:06:29,982 --> 00:06:31,067 to help me off with my girdle? 119 00:06:31,109 --> 00:06:32,068 You got 'em. 120 00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:43,453 "In keeping with orders from the Commanding General, 121 00:06:43,495 --> 00:06:44,579 "Fourth Army Group, 122 00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,790 "military units will show respect and affection 123 00:06:46,831 --> 00:06:50,001 "for our beloved Fuhrer with proper celebration 124 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,003 "to be enjoyed by all ranks. 125 00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:54,797 "Details for your relief for this purpose 126 00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:56,882 "are to be worked out with the bearer, 127 00:06:56,924 --> 00:06:58,842 "Captain Hoganburg. 128 00:06:58,884 --> 00:07:01,970 Signed, Colonel commanding..." 129 00:07:02,012 --> 00:07:04,014 I can hardly make out this signature. 130 00:07:04,055 --> 00:07:05,598 The Colonel's a very busy man, 131 00:07:05,598 --> 00:07:06,766 administrative details and... 132 00:07:06,808 --> 00:07:07,809 Hoopleman! 133 00:07:07,851 --> 00:07:10,395 Who gave you permission to be at ease? 134 00:07:10,436 --> 00:07:11,771 Stand at attention! Achtung! 135 00:07:11,771 --> 00:07:14,398 Jawohl, Herr Kapitan! 136 00:07:14,398 --> 00:07:16,442 You have to keep after them every minute. 137 00:07:16,483 --> 00:07:17,860 As you were saying, Major. 138 00:07:17,943 --> 00:07:19,194 According to these orders, 139 00:07:19,236 --> 00:07:21,613 you are to relieve me for the Fuhrer's birthday celebration. 140 00:07:21,655 --> 00:07:23,240 Yes, sir. I have a small detachment 141 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:24,866 on temporary patrol in Shmeckhausen. 142 00:07:24,908 --> 00:07:26,701 At your service, sir. 143 00:07:26,743 --> 00:07:30,413 Ah! Does Headquarters expect a squad of infantry 144 00:07:30,455 --> 00:07:33,207 to relieve experienced artillery men? 145 00:07:33,249 --> 00:07:39,254 Major, may I suggest you confirm the orders with headquarters? 146 00:07:39,296 --> 00:07:41,131 Ja, an excellent idea. 147 00:07:41,173 --> 00:07:42,549 I will do just that. 148 00:07:45,427 --> 00:07:46,928 Hello, this is 149 00:07:46,970 --> 00:07:49,806 Wilhelmstrasse Zwei calling Bismarck Vierzehn. 150 00:07:49,806 --> 00:07:53,267 Hello, this is Bismarck Vierzehn. 151 00:07:53,309 --> 00:07:54,310 This is Major Keitel. 152 00:07:54,310 --> 00:07:56,103 I wish to speak with Colonel Stimmer. 153 00:07:56,145 --> 00:07:58,856 Jawohl, Herr Major. 154 00:07:58,897 --> 00:08:00,774 Colonel, it's Major Keitel 155 00:08:00,816 --> 00:08:01,983 of Wilhelmstrasse Zwei. 156 00:08:02,025 --> 00:08:03,777 Colonel Stimmer speaking. 157 00:08:03,818 --> 00:08:04,986 Heil Hitler. 158 00:08:05,028 --> 00:08:05,945 Heil Hitler. 159 00:08:05,987 --> 00:08:07,864 Heil Hitler. Heil Hitler. 160 00:08:07,906 --> 00:08:09,324 Hoopleman! 161 00:08:09,365 --> 00:08:11,701 Colonel, I have your orders, 162 00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:14,036 and I wish to confirm the Fuhrer's birthday. 163 00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:18,248 Ah, you wish to confirm our beloved leader's birthday. 164 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:21,251 That is very kind of you, Major. 165 00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:24,838 I only hope for your sake the Gestapo is not listening. 166 00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,464 Sir, you misunderstood... 167 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:31,010 You will carry out your orders to the letter. 168 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:32,345 That is an order. Understood? 169 00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:34,221 And Major, 170 00:08:34,263 --> 00:08:36,390 it has been reported to me 171 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:39,059 that the buildings on your post need attention. 172 00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:43,480 Well, sir, we could use a little fixing up and... 173 00:08:43,522 --> 00:08:47,609 See that it is done before the beloved Fuhrer's birthday party. 174 00:08:47,650 --> 00:08:50,194 There may be press here from Berlin. 175 00:08:50,236 --> 00:08:51,988 And Major... 176 00:08:52,029 --> 00:08:53,447 that is an order, understood? 177 00:08:53,489 --> 00:08:54,573 Understood, sir! 178 00:08:54,615 --> 00:08:55,824 Heil Hitler. 179 00:08:55,824 --> 00:08:56,700 Heil Hitler. 180 00:08:56,742 --> 00:08:57,785 Heil Hitler. 181 00:08:57,826 --> 00:08:58,535 Heil Hitler! Hoopleman! 182 00:09:00,412 --> 00:09:02,622 Let me talk to Captain Hoganburg. 183 00:09:02,622 --> 00:09:04,165 Yes, sir. Heil Hitler. 184 00:09:04,207 --> 00:09:07,460 The Colonel wants you, Captain. 185 00:09:08,962 --> 00:09:10,171 Hello? 186 00:09:10,213 --> 00:09:12,381 Captain Hoganburg speaking. 187 00:09:12,423 --> 00:09:14,091 Oh, yes, sir. Fine, thank you, sir. 188 00:09:15,718 --> 00:09:19,513 A case of Rhine wine and a case of schnapps. 189 00:09:20,806 --> 00:09:22,599 Quarts, not the fifths. 190 00:09:22,641 --> 00:09:24,142 I understand, sir. 191 00:09:24,184 --> 00:09:25,268 To your headquarters. 192 00:09:26,436 --> 00:09:27,896 Consider it done, sir. 193 00:09:27,937 --> 00:09:30,023 Heil Hitler. 194 00:09:30,064 --> 00:09:32,024 May I tell you something in confidence, sir? 195 00:09:32,066 --> 00:09:33,192 Of course. 196 00:09:35,819 --> 00:09:37,946 There is a drinking problem. 197 00:09:37,988 --> 00:09:39,323 Pressure of the war. 198 00:09:39,364 --> 00:09:41,199 Really? 199 00:09:41,241 --> 00:09:42,534 That would account 200 00:09:42,576 --> 00:09:44,703 for the strange way he sounded. 201 00:09:44,703 --> 00:09:46,371 Has Berlin been told? 202 00:09:46,413 --> 00:09:48,456 Bah! You know their answer. 203 00:09:48,498 --> 00:09:49,499 "What kind of schnapps does he like? 204 00:09:49,540 --> 00:09:51,709 We'll send him a case." 205 00:09:51,751 --> 00:09:52,793 Extraordinary. 206 00:09:52,835 --> 00:09:55,921 Yes. And a tough man. They know it. 207 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,631 Ja, so do I. 208 00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,299 He's ordered me to clean up my post 209 00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,843 in time for the Fuhrer's birthday celebration. 210 00:10:01,885 --> 00:10:03,178 Impossible! 211 00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:06,014 I have no men to spare for this kind of work. 212 00:10:06,056 --> 00:10:09,517 Major, you have heard of Luft Stalag 13? 213 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:12,144 A prisoner of war camp a few miles from here, isn't it? 214 00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:16,065 Crowded with able-bodied prisoners of war. 215 00:10:16,106 --> 00:10:17,232 Might I suggest 216 00:10:17,274 --> 00:10:19,359 that you borrow a few to do the work? 217 00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:22,988 Excellent suggestion, Captain. 218 00:10:23,029 --> 00:10:25,198 ( chuckles ) 219 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:28,117 Enemies of the Third Reich help with preparations 220 00:10:28,159 --> 00:10:30,495 for the Fuhrer's birthday. 221 00:10:30,536 --> 00:10:31,787 Nice touch, eh? 222 00:10:31,829 --> 00:10:34,373 Be good to put the schwein to work. 223 00:10:34,415 --> 00:10:38,043 Tell me, Captain, do you happen to know the Commandant's name 224 00:10:38,085 --> 00:10:39,253 at Stalag 13? 225 00:10:39,294 --> 00:10:40,379 I'll call him. 226 00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:43,632 Klink, Colonel Wilhelm Klink. 227 00:10:43,673 --> 00:10:45,508 Full Colonel? 228 00:10:45,508 --> 00:10:47,594 Yes, but a typical desk officer. 229 00:10:47,635 --> 00:10:49,387 He's never been in combat. 230 00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:52,848 I think he would faint at the sight of a rare steak. 231 00:10:52,890 --> 00:10:54,308 ( both laugh ) 232 00:10:55,684 --> 00:10:57,186 Hoopleman! 233 00:10:57,186 --> 00:10:59,396 Who gave you permission to laugh? 234 00:10:59,438 --> 00:11:01,398 Wipe that smile off your face! 235 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,817 Achtung! 236 00:11:03,859 --> 00:11:06,069 ( clears throat ) 237 00:11:06,111 --> 00:11:07,654 If you have no further need for me, sir... 238 00:11:07,695 --> 00:11:09,697 Captain Hoganburg, a great pleasure. 239 00:11:09,739 --> 00:11:11,157 You have been very helpful. 240 00:11:11,199 --> 00:11:13,826 Danke, sir. I've tried. Auf Wiedersehen. 241 00:11:13,868 --> 00:11:15,035 Auf Wiedersehen. 242 00:11:15,077 --> 00:11:18,747 Hoopleman! Right face! 243 00:11:18,789 --> 00:11:23,084 Achtung! Forward march! 244 00:11:27,422 --> 00:11:28,756 My wife's brother. 245 00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:42,811 Mmm... 246 00:11:45,397 --> 00:11:48,983 This is the only way to fight the war. You know that. 247 00:11:49,025 --> 00:11:53,112 Yeah, but I wish that we would be on the same side. 248 00:11:53,154 --> 00:11:54,196 I'll come over. 249 00:11:56,949 --> 00:11:59,826 I only see you a few minutes at a time. 250 00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:05,790 Helga, how would you like to go to a party tomorrow night? 251 00:12:05,790 --> 00:12:06,791 Wunderbar! 252 00:12:06,833 --> 00:12:08,543 Oh, I love parties. 253 00:12:08,585 --> 00:12:10,211 But what is the occasion? 254 00:12:10,253 --> 00:12:11,879 Hitler's birthday. 255 00:12:11,921 --> 00:12:14,131 Oh. 256 00:12:14,131 --> 00:12:16,467 Well, maybe we'll have a good time anyway. 257 00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:19,386 I was thinking... 258 00:12:19,428 --> 00:12:22,764 Perhaps if you invited some of your girlfriends-- 259 00:12:22,806 --> 00:12:25,850 blondes, brunettes, redheads, a nice assortment, you know-- 260 00:12:25,892 --> 00:12:27,602 I'd arrange to have you all picked up 261 00:12:27,644 --> 00:12:29,145 and taken over to Shmeckhausen. 262 00:12:29,187 --> 00:12:30,313 Shmeckhausen? 263 00:12:30,354 --> 00:12:33,065 But there's nothing in Shmeckhausen. 264 00:12:33,107 --> 00:12:36,402 We're arranging something right now. 265 00:12:36,402 --> 00:12:38,570 And how will you get out of camp? 266 00:12:41,281 --> 00:12:42,949 Don't go away. 267 00:12:48,580 --> 00:12:50,081 Major Keitel, it is impossible. 268 00:12:50,123 --> 00:12:53,084 I cannot let any of my prisoners out of camp for such a purpose. 269 00:12:55,127 --> 00:12:58,964 It's being arranged right now. 270 00:12:59,006 --> 00:13:01,008 No one has ever escaped Stalag 13 271 00:13:01,008 --> 00:13:03,844 because I just simply do not take such risks. 272 00:13:03,844 --> 00:13:06,721 No, I don't care what the occasion is... 273 00:13:06,763 --> 00:13:09,724 Whose birthday? 274 00:13:09,766 --> 00:13:12,184 Well, why didn't you say so? 275 00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:14,520 Of course I can arrange it, Major Keitel. 276 00:13:14,562 --> 00:13:16,730 Good-bye... What? 277 00:13:16,772 --> 00:13:18,232 Oh, yes. Heil Hitler. 278 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:24,696 Every time I turn around, you are having another birthday. 279 00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:26,322 ( groans ) 280 00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:29,450 Call Colonel Hogan! You called? 281 00:13:29,492 --> 00:13:30,284 Hogan! 282 00:13:30,326 --> 00:13:33,162 Hogan, come in. 283 00:13:33,204 --> 00:13:35,498 Colonel Hogan, you wanted to see me? 284 00:13:35,539 --> 00:13:37,499 Yes, sir. I'd like to make a request. 285 00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:39,293 Request denied. 286 00:13:39,334 --> 00:13:40,586 What is it? 287 00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:42,421 I like a man with an open mind. 288 00:13:42,421 --> 00:13:44,422 Sir, tomorrow's Hitler's birthday. 289 00:13:44,464 --> 00:13:45,382 Yes. 290 00:13:45,423 --> 00:13:47,425 And I wondered if you'd care to celebrate 291 00:13:47,467 --> 00:13:50,553 by giving us two extra hours of electric light in the barracks. 292 00:13:50,595 --> 00:13:51,554 Mm-hmm. 293 00:13:51,596 --> 00:13:53,222 So you can have more time 294 00:13:53,264 --> 00:13:55,391 for digging your escape tunnel? 295 00:13:55,432 --> 00:13:57,059 We've already finished the tunnel. 296 00:13:57,101 --> 00:13:58,352 We're working on an elevator now. 297 00:13:58,352 --> 00:14:00,062 You're being impertinent. 298 00:14:00,103 --> 00:14:03,648 Yes, sir. I do the best I can. 299 00:14:03,690 --> 00:14:05,483 Colonel Hogan. 300 00:14:05,483 --> 00:14:08,027 From time to time, prisoners of war 301 00:14:08,069 --> 00:14:11,280 are asked to work, for which they are paid. 302 00:14:11,322 --> 00:14:13,032 Well, according to the Geneva 303 00:14:13,074 --> 00:14:15,493 Prisoner-of-War Convention, we can refuse. 304 00:14:15,534 --> 00:14:17,077 Now, I need one hour's work 305 00:14:17,119 --> 00:14:19,496 at a military installation outside of camp. 306 00:14:19,496 --> 00:14:21,248 Request denied. 307 00:14:21,289 --> 00:14:22,707 It's not heavy labor. 308 00:14:22,749 --> 00:14:24,334 Is there any other kind? 309 00:14:24,376 --> 00:14:25,877 Very well. 310 00:14:25,919 --> 00:14:28,213 Assign a work party and I'll give you... 311 00:14:28,254 --> 00:14:31,174 40 minutes of additional electric light in the barracks. 312 00:14:31,215 --> 00:14:32,341 An hour and a half. 313 00:14:32,383 --> 00:14:33,301 50 minutes? 314 00:14:33,342 --> 00:14:34,468 An hour and a quarter. 315 00:14:34,510 --> 00:14:35,553 One hour, not a second more. 316 00:14:35,594 --> 00:14:36,637 Throw in two extra ball games 317 00:14:36,679 --> 00:14:37,596 and you got yourself a deal. 318 00:14:37,638 --> 00:14:38,722 One extra ball game. 319 00:14:38,764 --> 00:14:40,390 Forget it. I'll take my business elsewhere. 320 00:14:40,390 --> 00:14:41,600 All right, all right, all right. 321 00:14:41,641 --> 00:14:43,727 One hour of extra electric light 322 00:14:43,768 --> 00:14:45,520 and two extra ball games. 323 00:14:45,562 --> 00:14:46,729 You got yourself a deal. 324 00:14:46,729 --> 00:14:47,856 I'll assign a work party. 325 00:14:47,897 --> 00:14:50,733 Just one moment, Colonel Hogan. 326 00:14:50,775 --> 00:14:53,736 You know that eventually 327 00:14:53,778 --> 00:14:57,448 I'm going to find that escape tunnel of yours. 328 00:14:57,489 --> 00:14:59,074 Oh, I hope so, because it leads 329 00:14:59,116 --> 00:15:00,534 direct to the Russian front 330 00:15:00,534 --> 00:15:02,536 and we need somebody to lead the way. 331 00:15:02,536 --> 00:15:03,703 Dismissed. 332 00:15:12,003 --> 00:15:14,004 Don't forget the girls for the party. 333 00:15:14,004 --> 00:15:15,339 I won't. 334 00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:17,007 ( Klink yelling ) 335 00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:18,300 Sounds like a direct hit. 336 00:15:36,859 --> 00:15:38,193 Where do I put it? 337 00:15:38,277 --> 00:15:39,570 Over there. 338 00:15:39,611 --> 00:15:40,862 Hey, Carter. 339 00:15:40,904 --> 00:15:42,447 It's time to move. 340 00:15:42,489 --> 00:15:43,657 Pass the word. 341 00:15:43,698 --> 00:15:44,824 Gotcha. I'm on my way. 342 00:15:46,743 --> 00:15:48,286 Uh, Schultz! 343 00:15:48,578 --> 00:15:50,038 Hey, Schultz! 344 00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:51,080 We, we've finished. 345 00:15:52,748 --> 00:15:54,583 Nice. Very nice. 346 00:15:54,625 --> 00:15:57,419 Very, very nice. 347 00:15:57,461 --> 00:16:00,297 Now, let us go home! 348 00:16:00,464 --> 00:16:01,840 Huh! "Home," he says. 349 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,175 Out, out, out, out! 350 00:16:03,175 --> 00:16:04,509 Everybody, raus! 351 00:16:04,509 --> 00:16:06,511 Raus, schnell, schnell, schnell, 352 00:16:06,511 --> 00:16:08,179 schnell, schnell, schnell. 353 00:16:08,179 --> 00:16:09,514 Everybody raus! 354 00:16:09,555 --> 00:16:10,807 Roll call! 355 00:16:10,848 --> 00:16:12,725 Everybody out! 356 00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:14,643 Raus! Raus! 357 00:16:14,685 --> 00:16:17,646 Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, everybody in. 358 00:16:17,688 --> 00:16:19,815 Halt, halt, halt, halt, halt! 359 00:16:19,815 --> 00:16:23,735 Eine moment. One moment. Halt! 360 00:16:23,777 --> 00:16:24,486 Eins! 361 00:16:24,486 --> 00:16:25,695 Zwei! 362 00:16:25,737 --> 00:16:26,738 Drei! 363 00:16:26,780 --> 00:16:29,657 Vier! Funf! 364 00:16:29,866 --> 00:16:31,367 Sechs! Sieben! 365 00:16:31,409 --> 00:16:32,660 Acht! 366 00:16:32,702 --> 00:16:34,203 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 367 00:16:34,245 --> 00:16:35,621 Haven't I seen you before? 368 00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:36,664 I don't know. 369 00:16:36,747 --> 00:16:37,706 Ever been to Milwaukee? 370 00:16:37,748 --> 00:16:38,874 Right here. 371 00:16:38,916 --> 00:16:40,667 Hey, pal, have you ever seen me before? 372 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:41,668 Never. 373 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,753 There, you see? And he's been to Milwaukee. 374 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:46,506 Sure, and I've also been to Dusseldorf and... 375 00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:48,841 Say, didn't I meet you in Dusseldorf? 376 00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:49,550 Dusseldorf? 377 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,385 Bah! Go in! 378 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,511 Zwanzig. 379 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:53,512 Danke. 380 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,930 Einundzwanzig, zweiundzwanzig 381 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,516 drieundzwanzig, vierundzwanzig 382 00:16:57,558 --> 00:17:00,519 funfundzwanzig, sechsundzwanzig... 383 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:05,648 We're almost ready, Colonel. 384 00:17:05,690 --> 00:17:06,816 All right, all right. 385 00:17:06,858 --> 00:17:07,859 Make it quick. 386 00:17:07,859 --> 00:17:08,985 The girls are on the way. 387 00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:09,986 We're right on schedule. 388 00:17:10,027 --> 00:17:11,529 Hey, look at me. I'm a Kraut corporal. 389 00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:12,655 I wish you were. 390 00:17:12,697 --> 00:17:14,031 The war might be over by now. 391 00:17:14,073 --> 00:17:15,824 Get ready to move out, and no talking. 392 00:17:15,866 --> 00:17:17,493 Okay if we whistle at the dames? 393 00:17:17,534 --> 00:17:18,702 Only in German. 394 00:17:21,955 --> 00:17:23,665 ( dance music playing ) 395 00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:33,466 Major, you don't seem to understand. 396 00:17:33,507 --> 00:17:35,342 My orders are to relieve you. 397 00:17:35,384 --> 00:17:38,178 Ja, I know. You may post your men at the guns, 398 00:17:38,220 --> 00:17:40,514 but I will remain in command personally. 399 00:17:40,555 --> 00:17:41,765 But don't you want to enjoy 400 00:17:41,807 --> 00:17:42,891 the Fuhrer's birthday party, sir? 401 00:17:42,891 --> 00:17:45,769 Captain, I have thought it over, 402 00:17:45,769 --> 00:17:49,439 and I feel it is my duty as an officer to remain 403 00:17:49,439 --> 00:17:52,441 in active command of the guns at all times, 404 00:17:52,483 --> 00:17:54,735 regardless of the circumstances. 405 00:17:54,735 --> 00:17:56,237 I understand, sir. 406 00:17:56,570 --> 00:17:57,488 Excuse me. 407 00:17:57,529 --> 00:17:58,697 Hoopleman! 408 00:17:58,739 --> 00:18:00,449 How many times must I tell you 409 00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:01,742 to stand at attention? 410 00:18:01,783 --> 00:18:02,242 Achtung! 411 00:18:07,539 --> 00:18:08,831 Forgive me, Major. 412 00:18:08,831 --> 00:18:12,752 Ever since I made him corporal, I can't do a thing with him. 413 00:18:12,793 --> 00:18:14,003 Now, you were saying? 414 00:18:14,045 --> 00:18:16,046 I was saying, post your men, 415 00:18:16,088 --> 00:18:17,631 but I will remain in command. 416 00:18:17,673 --> 00:18:20,801 Sir, your orders are to have a good time! 417 00:18:20,842 --> 00:18:23,386 Ja, ja, ja. I know, I know, 418 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,971 but I am sure that if he 419 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:28,683 were here, the Fuhrer himself... 420 00:18:28,725 --> 00:18:31,811 would approve of my actions as being absolutely correct 421 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:34,146 and in line with... 422 00:18:34,188 --> 00:18:34,814 with... 423 00:18:38,525 --> 00:18:40,277 Call me if you need me, Captain. 424 00:18:48,576 --> 00:18:50,244 All right, let's wrap it up fast here. 425 00:18:50,244 --> 00:18:51,537 LeBeau, you stand guard here. 426 00:18:51,579 --> 00:18:52,663 Nobody in or out. 427 00:18:52,747 --> 00:18:53,789 Carter, back up the truck 428 00:18:53,831 --> 00:18:54,999 and keep the motor running. 429 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,542 The rest of you guys come with me. 430 00:18:56,542 --> 00:18:57,876 Hey, Colonel, what do we do 431 00:18:57,876 --> 00:18:59,044 if the girls come back? 432 00:18:59,086 --> 00:19:00,587 Leave 'em alone, and that's an order. 433 00:19:00,837 --> 00:19:01,963 Oh, it sure is. 434 00:19:02,005 --> 00:19:03,381 I can't get a break in either army. 435 00:19:31,491 --> 00:19:34,285 Colonel, this is the wine for Klink. 436 00:19:34,326 --> 00:19:35,953 It's not our best stuff, is it? 437 00:19:35,995 --> 00:19:37,371 For him? Are you kidding? 438 00:19:37,413 --> 00:19:38,747 It's practically vinegar. 439 00:19:38,789 --> 00:19:40,457 Looks real. 440 00:19:40,499 --> 00:19:41,792 Believe me, you'd be better off 441 00:19:41,833 --> 00:19:42,793 drinking the label. 442 00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:43,919 Wait a minute. 443 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,587 I have to drink with him. 444 00:19:45,628 --> 00:19:47,172 Well, Colonel, this is war. 445 00:19:47,213 --> 00:19:49,173 You can't expect to live forever. 446 00:19:49,215 --> 00:19:50,383 Thanks a lot. Pour. 447 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:06,523 Very kind of you to help us celebrate, Colonel Hogan. 448 00:20:06,523 --> 00:20:08,941 Why not? We don't want to be enemies 449 00:20:08,983 --> 00:20:10,860 just because we're enemies. 450 00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:13,362 Good health and a short war. 451 00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:25,915 Schultz, this is a good wine. 452 00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:28,167 Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. 453 00:20:28,209 --> 00:20:30,044 It's a gay, saucy little wine 454 00:20:30,086 --> 00:20:32,171 we call "Hussy of the Vineyards." 455 00:20:32,171 --> 00:20:33,214 So? 456 00:20:35,424 --> 00:20:37,926 Hogan, tell me... 457 00:20:37,968 --> 00:20:41,221 how do prisoners-of-war get wine? 458 00:20:41,263 --> 00:20:42,389 Come on, Colonel. 459 00:20:42,973 --> 00:20:45,767 Does Macy tell Gimbel? 460 00:20:45,767 --> 00:20:47,101 Macy? Gimbel? 461 00:20:47,101 --> 00:20:48,770 Schultz, do you know these men? 462 00:20:48,770 --> 00:20:51,272 No, Herr Kommandant! 463 00:20:51,272 --> 00:20:53,899 I want you to check the roll call 464 00:20:53,941 --> 00:20:55,734 very carefully tomorrow. 465 00:20:55,776 --> 00:20:58,404 Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. 466 00:20:58,404 --> 00:20:59,780 Sorry I mentioned it. 467 00:21:30,266 --> 00:21:32,560 So. 468 00:21:32,602 --> 00:21:35,896 The traveling salesman says to the farmer, 469 00:21:35,938 --> 00:21:40,234 "My car broke down, and I'll have to stay for the night." 470 00:21:40,275 --> 00:21:43,236 The farmer says, "I have to tell you something. 471 00:21:43,278 --> 00:21:45,071 I don't have a daughter." 472 00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:52,495 Let's go back to Macy and Gimbel. 473 00:22:10,887 --> 00:22:13,889 ( siren blaring ) 474 00:22:13,889 --> 00:22:15,516 The invasion alarm. 475 00:22:15,558 --> 00:22:16,517 Achtung! 476 00:22:16,517 --> 00:22:18,018 To the guns! Schnell! Schnell! 477 00:22:23,148 --> 00:22:24,190 Schnell! Schnell! 478 00:22:33,074 --> 00:22:35,201 Range, 1,500 yards. 479 00:22:40,455 --> 00:22:42,791 Range, 1,500 yards. 480 00:22:42,791 --> 00:22:43,667 Ready? 481 00:22:43,708 --> 00:22:46,252 Ready. 482 00:22:46,294 --> 00:22:47,045 Fire! 483 00:22:47,086 --> 00:22:48,588 Fire! 484 00:22:54,468 --> 00:22:57,846 "Happy birthday, Adolf"? 485 00:23:03,602 --> 00:23:08,481 Schweinhund! Schweinhund! 486 00:23:16,864 --> 00:23:19,533 KLINK: I know where every prisoner is at all times! 487 00:23:19,533 --> 00:23:22,077 KEITEL: I am sorry to disagree with you, Colonel, 488 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:24,663 but I happen to know that every one of my men 489 00:23:24,829 --> 00:23:26,206 is thoroughly reliable. 490 00:23:26,206 --> 00:23:27,665 KLINK: The fact remains, Major... 491 00:23:27,665 --> 00:23:28,833 That's what I like to hear. 492 00:23:28,833 --> 00:23:30,877 They're fighting amongst themselves now. 493 00:23:30,918 --> 00:23:34,130 ...and got away because you were unable to stop them. 494 00:23:34,171 --> 00:23:37,466 And I say, it is because your prisoners sabotaged my guns. 495 00:23:37,466 --> 00:23:38,842 Hah! That's ridiculous. 496 00:23:38,884 --> 00:23:41,428 All of my prisoners were accounted for at roll call. 497 00:23:41,470 --> 00:23:43,430 You asked for a working party. I gave you one. 498 00:23:43,471 --> 00:23:45,098 Did they do a good job? 499 00:23:45,140 --> 00:23:46,099 Yes. Good. 500 00:23:46,099 --> 00:23:47,433 But that is not the point. 501 00:23:47,475 --> 00:23:50,103 Good! That ends the matter as far as I'm concerned. 502 00:23:50,144 --> 00:23:51,229 Dismissed. 503 00:23:51,270 --> 00:23:52,605 Yes, sir. But I assure you, 504 00:23:52,605 --> 00:23:56,066 Berlin will favor my version of this affair. 505 00:24:06,951 --> 00:24:08,161 The nerve of that man, 506 00:24:08,202 --> 00:24:10,830 trying to shift the blame for his own inefficiency. 507 00:24:10,872 --> 00:24:13,290 The Third Reich has no place for a man like that. 508 00:24:13,332 --> 00:24:15,543 Sounds like a drinking problem. 509 00:24:15,584 --> 00:24:17,378 Undoubtedly. 510 00:24:17,419 --> 00:24:18,378 By the way, Colonel, 511 00:24:18,420 --> 00:24:19,922 I understand that your working party 512 00:24:19,963 --> 00:24:22,174 did an excellent job in cleaning up the gun battery. 513 00:24:22,174 --> 00:24:23,383 Thank you. 514 00:24:23,425 --> 00:24:25,844 During my inspection this morning, I noticed 515 00:24:25,885 --> 00:24:27,178 that our own buildings 516 00:24:27,178 --> 00:24:29,180 could use some extra repair work. 517 00:24:29,222 --> 00:24:30,848 Request denied. 518 00:24:30,890 --> 00:24:33,809 I offer one extra hour of electric light, 519 00:24:33,809 --> 00:24:36,312 and one more slice of bread per man a week. 520 00:24:36,312 --> 00:24:38,021 Two extra hours of light, 521 00:24:38,063 --> 00:24:40,565 and two slices of bread. 522 00:24:40,565 --> 00:24:43,860 One and a half extra hours of light, 523 00:24:43,902 --> 00:24:45,570 and one and a quarter slices of bread... 524 00:24:46,305 --> 00:25:46,443 Who are the real-world Illuminati ? 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