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-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-

5
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:04,147
( <i>explosions</i> )

6
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:11,947
MAN:
Sergeant!

7
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,324
Yes, my Captain.
Come here.

8
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:16,702
Give me the map.

9
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,745
The bombing is much
too heavy to continue.

10
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,205
Shall we take cover here?

11
00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:21,290
<i>Dummkopf!</i>

12
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,499
With what we
are carrying?

13
00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:24,001
Do you realize what
will happen to us

14
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:26,003
if we do not deliver this
cargo to Berlin safely?

15
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,171
The Russian front.

16
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:28,505
( <i>explosion</i> )

17
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:31,175
<i>Ja.</i> We will be
just in time for
the winter sports.

18
00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:32,176
( <i>laughing</i> )

19
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,513
A-ha-- we are only
a few minutes away

20
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,515
from a prisoner
of war camp.

21
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,267
That is where we will go.

22
00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:41,768
Will our cargo
be safe there, Captain?

23
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:44,938
The Allies would never
bomb their own men.

24
00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:49,526
Stalag l3...
the toughest POW camp
in all of Germany.

25
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,910
What if Commandant Klink
catches us?

26
00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,537
Prisoners are allowed
one hour of recreation
a day.

27
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:01,997
I missed
the volleyball game.

28
00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:06,877
Mmm, you smell good.

29
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:09,421
The boys whipped up
a little after shave.

30
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:13,383
It's very exciting.

31
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,093
It's called
Unconditional Surrender.

32
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,057
May I ask
what is going on here?

33
00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:21,642
She was blocking
the door, sir.

34
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,268
Well, I told him
that you were busy, Colonel.

35
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:27,272
Fraulein Helga is just doing her
duty like any German soldier,

36
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,107
a highly-trained machine.

37
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,069
Must be tough
getting spare parts
for that machine, huh?

38
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:32,945
You may go now.

39
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,488
Thank you, sir.

40
00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,453
You wanted to see me,
sir?

41
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:42,621
I did.

42
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:49,503
Now, any further demonstrations
by your men during an air raid

43
00:02:49,545 --> 00:02:52,005
will bring immediate
disciplinary action.

44
00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:53,549
Do I make myself clear,

45
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:54,550
Colonel Hogan?

46
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,219
You keep telling us
you're winning the war.

47
00:02:57,261 --> 00:02:58,595
Can't blame the fellows

48
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,430
for wanting to celebrate
a little raid.

49
00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:02,266
There is nothing to celebrate.

50
00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:04,059
No damage was done.

51
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,895
And your bombers suffered
severe losses

52
00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:09,565
at the hands
of our illustrious Luftwaffe.

53
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:10,190
( <i>knock on door</i> )

54
00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,401
Come in.

55
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:15,153
Herr Kommandant, this
is Captain Mueller.

56
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,406
He hardly escaped
a terrible raid.

57
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:20,075
That raid
was a complete failure.

58
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:22,119
No, Herr Kommandant.

59
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:25,038
They knocked the stuffing
out of the Messerschmidt
factory

60
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,291
and got away
from the Luftwaffe.

61
00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:28,709
<i>Illustrious</i> Luftwaffe.

62
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:31,461
Illustrious Luft...

63
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,671
Schultz!

64
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,464
I have a very urgent matter

65
00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,466
to discuss with you, Colonel.

66
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:37,968
Of course, Captain.
What is it?

67
00:03:38,010 --> 00:03:40,846
I believe he means me.

68
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:45,142
The Captain is
on his way to Berlin
with very important...

69
00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,226
Sergeant!
Schultz!

70
00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:47,394
Come on, Schultz,
let's get out of here.

71
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:48,395
We know
when we're not wanted.

72
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:49,438
You are dismissed.

73
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,863
Now, Captain Mueller,
what can I do for you?

74
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,781
We are on our way
to Berlin

75
00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:02,326
with an important cargo
from Norway.

76
00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:03,744
What is this cargo?

77
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,010
It is a highly-secret
project.

78
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:23,847
Even my men do not know
what is in the truck.

79
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:29,561
Let us simply say
it is water.

80
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,271
Water?

81
00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:33,273
( <i>laughs</i> )

82
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:34,650
Very clever, Captain.

83
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,235
Hot water.

84
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,376
I wonder, what could
they have in that truck

85
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,544
that's so important.

86
00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:55,879
Maybe it's a new
type of gun.

87
00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:57,256
I don't think so.

88
00:04:57,297 --> 00:05:00,259
CARTER:
It's too small a truck
for a bomb.

89
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,760
Can't be that.

90
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,220
Think it might
be a rocket?

91
00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:06,056
No, they'd ship that
in a special vehicle.

92
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,436
Maybe it's
a beautiful spy

93
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,897
like Mata Hari.

94
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:14,982
Hey, Schultz!

95
00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:18,527
Colonel Hogan,
I have a favor to ask.

96
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,404
Sure, what can we do
for you, Schultz?

97
00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:23,740
Could I have some
of the after-shave lotion?

98
00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:26,869
Any time at all,
Schultz.

99
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:29,079
Don't go to strangers.

100
00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:30,289
Thank you, Colonel.

101
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,916
But, first...
you can do us a favor.

102
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:35,294
What? What?
What? What? What?

103
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,629
What's in that truck?

104
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,256
A barrel of water.

105
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:40,507
Come on, Schultz.

106
00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,759
You don't expect us
to believe that.

107
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,845
I swear to you,
I tell the truth.

108
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:45,888
It's a big secret.

109
00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:47,181
The driver told me.

110
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:50,517
It's a barrel of water
shipped from Norway
to Berlin.

111
00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:57,065
You mean to say
they've got all
those men

112
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:58,817
guarding a barrel
of water?

113
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,612
Yes.

114
00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:02,738
( <i>inhales deeply</i> )

115
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:03,864
You know, Schultz,

116
00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:05,949
if they had that many troops
at the Battle of the Marne,

117
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,285
you people wouldn't have lost
the First World War.

118
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,162
M-m-m-m-m!

119
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,414
Oh-b-b-b-b!

120
00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:20,506
You believe him,
Colonel?

121
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:23,008
Schultz, yes.
The driver, no.

122
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,138
Halt!

123
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,473
It's okay, Sergeant.

124
00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:30,849
Colonel Klink told us
to put this sign up.

125
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:31,934
What sign?

126
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:35,062
No smoking--
smoking <i>verboten.</i>

127
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,855
See, with a barrel
of nitroglycerin
we can't be

128
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,982
too careful.
Nitroglycerine?

129
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,484
That's water.

130
00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:42,819
Yeah, sure, sure.

131
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:46,698
We always put
a 24-hour guard around
a barrel of water, huh?

132
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:47,908
( <i>laughs</i> )

133
00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:48,825
Put up the sign.

134
00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:55,165
Okay, now we can all
sleep better.

135
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:57,918
NEWKIRK:
Afternoon, mate.

136
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:01,380
How are you? All right?

137
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,590
<i>Nein!</i>

138
00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:07,177
Oh, no, must be half past
10:00 by now at least.

139
00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:09,346
"No smoking."

140
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:12,891
Oh, no,
<i>nicht sprechen Sie...</i>

141
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,018
What are you doing?

142
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,436
Guard! Guard!

143
00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:17,896
NEWKIRK:
Hey, hey, let me
go, will you?

144
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:18,981
What's the matter
with you?

145
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:19,982
Colonel Hogan!

146
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:21,483
Just for smoking
a cigarette?

147
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,151
Hey, put me down,
put me down

148
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,737
I shall report
the lot of you
to Colonel Hogan.

149
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:26,864
Hey, would you...

150
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:29,032
Hey, get away...

151
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,158
What's the matter
with you?

152
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,535
All I was doing
was having this smoke...

153
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:34,913
Hey, let go of my hand,
will you?

154
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,915
Colonel Hogan!

155
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,792
Colonel Hogan!
Colonel...

156
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,837
Look, this is not
the last you've heard...

157
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:43,589
You can't have a smoke
in a camp like this?

158
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:46,633
I shall report the lot of you
to the Red Cross.

159
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:47,718
What's going on here?

160
00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:49,052
Take your hands
off that soldier.

161
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,054
He was trying to smoke.

162
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:54,224
Can't you English
read English?

163
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,270
"No smoking."

164
00:07:58,312 --> 00:07:59,563
Begging the Colonel's pardon.

165
00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:01,315
I-I didn't see the sign,
sir.

166
00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:03,567
All right, we'll let it go
this time.

167
00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:04,651
Nice going,
Sergeant.

168
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,236
Good to see you
on your toes.

169
00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,405
May I ask what
is going on here?

170
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:11,700
Commandant,
this man was smoking.

171
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:15,829
Are you out of your mind?

172
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:17,414
I'll have you court-martialed
for this!

173
00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:20,792
But, Colonel Klink, this sign
was posted by your order.

174
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:21,960
Sign, sign, what sign?

175
00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:28,133
Who put up the sign?

176
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,593
Well, I took the liberty.

177
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,136
I anticipated your order,
Colonel.

178
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,804
You put up the sign?

179
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,598
Yeah, I mean, what if somebody
lit a match

180
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,183
around that barrel
of nitroglycerin?

181
00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:37,351
There is no
nitroglycerin.

182
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:38,352
Nitro-gelatin.
No.

183
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,187
T.N.T.
No.
Rocket fuel?

184
00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:41,939
No, no, no, no.

185
00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:43,398
This is water.

186
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:48,237
Okay.

187
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,780
But if we all blow up tonight,

188
00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,490
I'm never going
to speak to you again.

189
00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:56,411
Sergeant, post the guards.

190
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,455
<i>Ja,</i> Colonel.

191
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:04,962
The driver says it's water.

192
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,463
Schultz says it's water.

193
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,298
Now Klink says it's water.

194
00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:10,467
What do you think
it is, Colonel?

195
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,802
With those three men
of integrity,

196
00:09:11,844 --> 00:09:12,928
I know one thing.

197
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:14,096
What?
It ain't water.

198
00:09:23,856 --> 00:09:25,983
Well, Carter,
what is it?

199
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,778
Well, it's odorless
and colorless.

200
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,490
You don't need to be
a chemist to know that.

201
00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:35,826
There's only one
thing to do.

202
00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,411
Someone's going to have
to drink it.

203
00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,495
Newkirk?

204
00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:40,998
Well, I'd love to, you see,

205
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,499
but I've got nine brothers
and sisters.

206
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:44,001
They're all dependent on me.

207
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,836
My old man hasn't worked
for years.

208
00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:48,046
And my granny,
she's got the gout, you know.

209
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,131
Here, Scotty, you're a bachelor.

210
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:52,885
No, thanks. I don't drink.

211
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:59,474
( <i>sighs</i> ):
All right.

212
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:01,059
We need a volunteer.

213
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,144
Thanks, Carter.

214
00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:03,854
SCOTTY:
We'll write
a very nice letter

215
00:10:03,896 --> 00:10:04,897
to your family.

216
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,607
NEWKIRK:
Cheers.

217
00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:12,529
You know what this is?

218
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,239
ALL:
What?

219
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,282
It's water.

220
00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,659
Water, well, that's what
they've been saying.

221
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:18,827
It couldn't be water!

222
00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:21,246
You're going to get
the Nobel...

223
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,665
Hey, Colonel, I got the sub
on the radio.

224
00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:25,459
Okay, Kinch!

225
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,420
This is Goldilocks,
come in Mama Bear,

226
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:29,630
come in Mama Bear.

227
00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:33,592
MAN:
We read you, Goldilocks.

228
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:34,593
Go ahead.

229
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,971
Big Bad Wolf has hot
barrel of water.

230
00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:40,891
Barrel of water?
At your house now?

231
00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:43,977
Roger, on way
to Adolf's village

232
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,562
from Viking's village.

233
00:10:45,604 --> 00:10:47,231
Viking's village?

234
00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,524
Norway.

235
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,944
That's heavy water
for nuclear experiments.

236
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,321
Destroy Big Bad Wolf's water
at all costs.

237
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:57,658
Repeat, destroy. Over.

238
00:10:57,699 --> 00:10:59,826
Wilco and out.

239
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,120
I was right.

240
00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,666
Outside of
Captain Mueller,

241
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,752
we're the only ones
that know what's
in that truck.

242
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,295
We've got to get rid
of that barrel,

243
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,255
or we're going
to be over it.

244
00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:22,683
Good afternoon,
Colonel Hogan.

245
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:23,851
I have to see Klink.

246
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,602
I won't let you in
until you kiss me.

247
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,356
The things I have to do
for my country.

248
00:11:32,985 --> 00:11:34,736
Well, here we are again.

249
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:36,113
She keeps blocking
the door.

250
00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,281
She's a regular tiger.

251
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,533
Well, he won't take no
for an answer.

252
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:41,535
Well, what was
the question?

253
00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:43,579
I came to see you.

254
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,956
Fraulein Helga,
you may go now,

255
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:47,457
and keep up the good work.

256
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:50,794
Colonel Hogan,
what did you want
to see me about?

257
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:53,088
Please sit down,
sit down.

258
00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:55,215
I came to apologize
about the water.

259
00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:59,178
Ah, that is most
admirable of you,
Colonel.

260
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,514
I just couldn't believe
the German High Command

261
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:04,516
would take the time
to get water from a spa.

262
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,643
A spa!

263
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:09,354
Come on, you don't have
to play games with me, Colonel.

264
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:12,566
LeBeau told me all about
that great place in Norway

265
00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:13,984
where the water comes from.

266
00:12:14,026 --> 00:12:15,819
He did?

267
00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:16,945
The French call it

268
00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:17,779
<i>"La Fontaine</i>
<i>de la Jeunesse",</i>

269
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:19,323
the Fountain of Youth.

270
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:21,533
Yes, of course.

271
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:24,703
Mm-hmm. Louis XVI
and Marie Antoinette

272
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:27,372
used to go there
to drink the water.

273
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,291
I don't have
to tell you what happened

274
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,168
to those two crazy
mixed-up kids, huh?

275
00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:34,421
You mean they went to
Norway for that water?

276
00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:37,257
Well, actually,
Louis was losing his hair,

277
00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:39,176
but after
drinking the water,

278
00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:41,345
he had to add
an extra barber on

279
00:12:41,345 --> 00:12:42,513
at the palace. Mm-hmm.

280
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,223
Yeah.

281
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,183
It's a shame that stuff's
going to Berlin

282
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:47,518
for Goering
and that crowd.

283
00:12:47,518 --> 00:12:48,477
The guys at
the front

284
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:49,895
never get any
of the goodies.

285
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:52,773
Yes, almost everything
is going to Berlin first.

286
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,191
They get all
the liquor,

287
00:12:54,233 --> 00:12:55,859
all the girls, all the food.

288
00:12:55,901 --> 00:13:01,031
and now, all the hair.

289
00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:04,201
Yeah, the job you're doing,
they ought to send <i>you</i> a barrel.

290
00:13:26,557 --> 00:13:28,141
Ah!

291
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:31,395
Sergeant, just checking
on the barrel of water,

292
00:13:31,395 --> 00:13:34,064
to make sure that
everything is secure.

293
00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:35,190
<i>Ja,</i> Herr Colonel.

294
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:43,824
There he goes.

295
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,094
Colonel Klink.

296
00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:06,221
Yes, Sergeant?

297
00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,514
Is everything secure?

298
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:09,266
Everything is secure.

299
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,940
You are doing an
excellent job, Sergeant.

300
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,400
Thank you, Colonel.

301
00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,739
Whoever said you can
lead a horse to water

302
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,490
but you can't
make him drink?

303
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:26,867
Ah, Fraulein Helga,

304
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:28,160
take some
dictation, please.

305
00:14:30,454 --> 00:14:34,291
Now, the first letter is going
to Colonel Oscar Pfefferman,

306
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,168
commanding officer of the...

307
00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:37,711
what's the matter,
Fraulein Helga?

308
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:40,797
Colonel, somehow you
look different today.

309
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,257
I do?

310
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:43,300
You look younger.

311
00:14:43,342 --> 00:14:45,385
I do?

312
00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:47,054
And... the
way you walk.

313
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:50,224
You have such a youthful
spring in your step.

314
00:14:50,265 --> 00:14:51,475
You know something?

315
00:14:51,517 --> 00:14:54,186
I <i>am</i> beginning to feel
a lot better today.

316
00:14:54,228 --> 00:14:55,896
What's the matter?

317
00:14:55,938 --> 00:15:00,234
Sir, I think there's
some dandruff.

318
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,485
Dandruff?

319
00:15:01,527 --> 00:15:03,487
Have you been using some
sort of hair tonic?

320
00:15:03,529 --> 00:15:04,780
Hair tonic? No, no.

321
00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:05,864
( <i>knocking</i> )

322
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,157
Come in.

323
00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:08,492
Colonel... Klink?

324
00:15:08,492 --> 00:15:11,328
We will finish that
letter later, Fraulein Helga.

325
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:19,545
Here's the... the list
of our requests

326
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,047
from the Red Cross
for this month.

327
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:24,258
Thank you.

328
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:26,343
What's the matter?

329
00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:28,345
I-I don't,
I don't know.

330
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:31,014
Somehow, there's something
different about you.

331
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,266
Different?

332
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,685
Yeah. I can't
put my finger on it.

333
00:15:34,685 --> 00:15:37,813
Maybe my walk is a
little springier, huh?

334
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:39,481
Yeah, yeah? I don't know.

335
00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:41,024
A little more youthful?

336
00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:45,195
Yeah, yeah, that...
that, too.

337
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:49,867
I had dandruff today.

338
00:15:50,075 --> 00:15:52,077
I don't believe it.

339
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:56,373
You're actually growing...
wait a minute.

340
00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:58,542
Did you get to
that water barrel?

341
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,544
Colonel Hogan,
I am a soldier.

342
00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:04,673
If that water goes to Berlin,
it goes to Berlin.

343
00:16:04,715 --> 00:16:06,175
Shame.

344
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:07,676
A barrel of that stuff,

345
00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:10,179
and you'd be a bushy-
haired kid again.

346
00:16:21,190 --> 00:16:23,483
Ah, good evening, Sergeant.

347
00:16:23,525 --> 00:16:24,776
<i>Jawohl,</i> Herr Commandant.

348
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,069
Good evening.

349
00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:28,614
I, uh, want you to give me
a hand with this barrel.

350
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:29,948
And what are we
going to do

351
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,241
with it,
Herr Commandant?

352
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,410
We are going to take
it to my office

353
00:16:33,452 --> 00:16:35,496
and then we're
going to replace it

354
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:37,247
with another
barrel of water.

355
00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:40,834
But it is supposed to go
to Berlin, Herr Commandant.

356
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,085
Now, that will be

357
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:44,421
just between you
and me, Sergeant.

358
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:47,049
I don't know.
I don't know.

359
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:50,302
<i>Obersergeant.</i>

360
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:53,597
<i>Obersergeant.</i>
Thank you.

361
00:16:53,639 --> 00:16:57,184
Thank you.
Herr Commandant.

362
00:16:57,226 --> 00:16:59,478
Schultz, we
must be fast.

363
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,188
Yeah.

364
00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:22,668
Schultz.

365
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,670
Take a look at it first.

366
00:17:33,846 --> 00:17:35,639
Did you know
that this water

367
00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:37,182
comes from Norway?

368
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:38,517
The fountain of youth?

369
00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:41,186
No.

370
00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:44,523
Did you notice
a spring in my walk?

371
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,401
A little dandruff
on the shoulder?

372
00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:49,152
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

373
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:51,697
Of course,
Herr Commandant.

374
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,032
Just last night,
I said to my wife

375
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,576
how wonderful you look.

376
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:57,161
It's the water.

377
00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:04,001
Schultz, have
a little drink.

378
00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:12,301
Ah. <i>Ja,</i> I feel it.

379
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:15,512
Oh, it is wunderbar.

380
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:16,680
Have another one.

381
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,390
Sergeant Schultz!

382
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:24,354
Ah, Captain Mueller.

383
00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:25,397
Colonel Klink.

384
00:18:25,439 --> 00:18:26,982
What were you doing?

385
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:29,443
Uh... I was just
checking up

386
00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,445
on our valuable cargo.

387
00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:32,487
Dismissed, Schultz.

388
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,031
<i>Jawohl,</i> Herr Commandant.

389
00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:42,372
By the way, I found
out about that water.

390
00:18:42,748 --> 00:18:43,665
You did?

391
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,000
From whom?

392
00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:47,377
Colonel Hogan.

393
00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:48,670
<i>He</i> knows?

394
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:50,047
The Frenchman
told him.

395
00:18:50,047 --> 00:18:52,758
How did the
Frenchman find out?

396
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:56,053
Did you know that
Marie Antoinette

397
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:59,056
and Louis XVI used
to go to that spa

398
00:18:59,056 --> 00:19:01,308
in Norway for
the same water?

399
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:03,060
Oh, it does wonders for you.

400
00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:06,230
Colonel Klink,

401
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:09,358
somebody is making
a fool of you.

402
00:19:09,399 --> 00:19:12,778
What do you mean?

403
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:17,824
I suppose you must know now,
but this is top secret.

404
00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:23,831
This water is for use
in nuclear experiments.

405
00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:28,418
It is known as heavy water.

406
00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:29,670
I drank some of that water.

407
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,800
Will I die from it?

408
00:19:34,842 --> 00:19:37,094
Only if Berlin finds out.

409
00:19:40,848 --> 00:19:42,391
Boy, what a shame
that Captain

410
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,017
caught Klink
in the water barrel.

411
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:49,189
Well, what do we
do now, Colonel?

412
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:53,819
That truck leaves tomorrow,
and the barrel can't be on it.

413
00:19:53,861 --> 00:19:55,529
Hey, let's make
a hand grenade

414
00:19:55,571 --> 00:19:57,865
and toss it in the truck
from the window.

415
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:58,824
Good.

416
00:19:58,866 --> 00:20:00,075
Very good, very good.

417
00:20:00,117 --> 00:20:04,204
Then they line us all up
in front of the firing squad.

418
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:06,290
Hey, how about a
diversionary tactic?

419
00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:08,375
Give us a chance
to grab the barrel.

420
00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:09,543
That's good thinking, Kinch,

421
00:20:09,585 --> 00:20:11,128
but just taking
the barrel won't be enough.

422
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:13,130
We gotta...

423
00:20:13,130 --> 00:20:14,798
I got it.

424
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,049
Carter,
get me carpenters.

425
00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:17,634
Newkirk, alert
the arson squad.
Right.

426
00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:19,344
Kinch, bring me
the cabinetmaker
Right.

427
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,054
and Scotty, bring the
petty theft man here.

428
00:20:21,096 --> 00:20:22,306
That's me.

429
00:20:22,306 --> 00:20:23,307
Well, be here.

430
00:20:23,307 --> 00:20:24,808
Colonel, what
are we doing?

431
00:20:24,808 --> 00:20:27,102
We're going into the
water-barrel business.

432
00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:39,823
All right, that's enough
water in the barrel.

433
00:20:39,823 --> 00:20:41,867
Carter and Newkirk
are almost at Klink's office.

434
00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,076
Got exactly one minute.

435
00:20:43,118 --> 00:20:44,912
Stand by with the barrel,
and good luck.

436
00:20:44,953 --> 00:20:45,829
Right.

437
00:21:05,891 --> 00:21:07,851
What is going on?

438
00:21:07,893 --> 00:21:09,561
Fire!
Fire!

439
00:21:09,603 --> 00:21:10,604
Fire!
Fire!

440
00:21:11,021 --> 00:21:12,064
Fire!

441
00:21:12,105 --> 00:21:14,483
I smell smoke. Fire! Fire!

442
00:21:14,525 --> 00:21:16,235
We'd better get
this truck out of here.

443
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:17,444
We cannot move
the truck.

444
00:21:17,486 --> 00:21:19,071
You know what's going
to happen to you

445
00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:20,989
if this truck burns
with that barrel in it?

446
00:21:21,031 --> 00:21:22,366
You're right. We'd
better move the truck.

447
00:21:22,366 --> 00:21:23,367
I'll get the truck
out of here.

448
00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:24,868
Halt! I will
drive the truck.

449
00:21:24,868 --> 00:21:26,245
All right,
have it your way.

450
00:21:26,328 --> 00:21:28,956
Fire! What is going on here?

451
00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:31,208
Fire! Fire! Fire!

452
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:33,335
Back up!

453
00:21:33,377 --> 00:21:34,503
Slow! Slow!

454
00:21:34,545 --> 00:21:35,712
All right, cut! Cut! Cut!

455
00:21:35,921 --> 00:21:37,589
A little more.

456
00:21:37,631 --> 00:21:39,716
Back up. Back it up.

457
00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:50,519
Fire! Help, fire! Fire!

458
00:21:50,561 --> 00:21:53,689
Fire! Fire!

459
00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:57,359
( <i>all yelling "Fire!"</i> )

460
00:22:02,239 --> 00:22:04,825
Colonel Klink,
come over to the window.

461
00:22:18,714 --> 00:22:20,215
Get a hose!

462
00:22:20,257 --> 00:22:22,843
A fire hose!

463
00:22:27,556 --> 00:22:29,516
Nice of the boys
to dampen you down, sir.

464
00:22:29,558 --> 00:22:30,726
Get a ladder!

465
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:32,311
CARTER:
There isn't time.

466
00:22:32,352 --> 00:22:33,937
Jump into the blanket.

467
00:22:33,979 --> 00:22:35,772
We'll save you, Colonel.

468
00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:37,274
You won't catch me.

469
00:22:37,316 --> 00:22:40,277
We give you our word
as enemy prisoners.

470
00:22:40,277 --> 00:22:41,445
Get some of my guards!

471
00:22:41,486 --> 00:22:42,571
They're all
busy, Klink.

472
00:22:42,613 --> 00:22:43,614
You better jump.

473
00:22:43,614 --> 00:22:44,823
All right. I'll jump,

474
00:22:44,865 --> 00:22:46,366
but you better catch me.

475
00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:49,203
Oh, he's not
gonna jump.

476
00:22:49,244 --> 00:22:50,704
Oh, come on, Colonel, up.

477
00:22:50,746 --> 00:22:51,914
Are you
all right, sir?

478
00:22:51,955 --> 00:22:54,124
Never. I should never
have trusted them.

479
00:22:54,166 --> 00:22:55,292
It's your own fault.

480
00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:56,710
They gave you
two chances.

481
00:22:56,752 --> 00:22:57,961
The truck, is it safe?

482
00:22:57,961 --> 00:22:59,505
Yes, and we
have Colonel Hogan

483
00:22:59,546 --> 00:23:00,506
to thank for that.

484
00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:01,507
Colonel Hogan?

485
00:23:01,548 --> 00:23:03,133
Well, I knew
that barrel
of water

486
00:23:03,175 --> 00:23:05,052
was pretty important
to you fellows.

487
00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:06,470
You may have
done a service

488
00:23:06,512 --> 00:23:08,180
to your country,
Colonel Hogan.

489
00:23:08,222 --> 00:23:11,391
Because of you,
the war may be shortened.

490
00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:13,352
I wouldn't be
at all surprised, sir.

491
00:23:20,108 --> 00:23:22,444
Fraulein Helga,
please file these...

492
00:23:22,486 --> 00:23:24,530
I told her
you wanted to see me.

493
00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:27,032
But he's always trying
to break into your office.

494
00:23:27,074 --> 00:23:28,826
The use of judo
on a prisoner of war

495
00:23:28,826 --> 00:23:30,494
is against
the Geneva Conference.

496
00:23:30,536 --> 00:23:32,579
Fraulein Helga, you may
let him go. Good work.

497
00:23:32,621 --> 00:23:33,997
Thank you.

498
00:23:34,039 --> 00:23:36,083
Colonel Hogan,
come in.

499
00:23:44,967 --> 00:23:46,552
Colonel Hogan,

500
00:23:46,593 --> 00:23:47,761
I just want to tell you,

501
00:23:47,803 --> 00:23:49,346
you didn't fool me
for one minute

502
00:23:49,388 --> 00:23:51,014
with that story
about the water.

503
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:52,224
I didn't try
to fool you.

504
00:23:52,266 --> 00:23:55,018
I deliberately went along
with your little joke

505
00:23:55,060 --> 00:23:58,021
so you would think
it was spring water from Norway.

506
00:23:58,063 --> 00:24:00,107
You mean it wasn't?

507
00:24:00,148 --> 00:24:03,569
It was heavy water to be used
for a new type of bomb

508
00:24:03,610 --> 00:24:06,530
that will bring
the Allies to their knees.

509
00:24:06,572 --> 00:24:07,781
You mean...?

510
00:24:07,823 --> 00:24:09,324
You don't rise

511
00:24:09,366 --> 00:24:13,996
to the rank of colonel
because you're easily fooled.

512
00:24:14,037 --> 00:24:15,873
If you don't mind,
I'd rather not stand here

513
00:24:15,873 --> 00:24:17,374
while you gloat
about your victories.

514
00:24:17,416 --> 00:24:18,709
Dismissed.

515
00:24:20,836 --> 00:24:24,548
What's the matter?

516
00:24:24,548 --> 00:24:27,301
You know, maybe that
heavy water <i>does</i> grow hair.

517
00:24:28,305 --> 00:24:34,390
 "(End of Episode)"

518
00:24:35,305 --> 00:25:35,365
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