1 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:07,257 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:14,074 3 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:22,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 4 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:27,402 5 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,742 All right, we got you in. 6 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,328 Good morning. 7 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:19,454 Morning, Colonel. 8 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,498 Flight Lieutenants Ritchie and Donner. 9 00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:22,833 Hi. 10 00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:23,834 They've been checked out, sir. 11 00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:24,877 Good morning, sir. 12 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,044 Shot down near Dusseldorf. 13 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,213 Came in through the emergency tunnel last night. 14 00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:29,506 We were flying reconnaissance. 15 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:30,883 Caught a bit of flak, I'm afraid. 16 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,177 Knocked us for six, so we scarpered. 17 00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:35,888 Scarper-- translation: they bailed out. 18 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,764 Thanks. Coffee? 19 00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:39,349 Sit down. Thank you. 20 00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,351 Well, the Germans might have seen your parachutes, 21 00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:42,436 so they'll be looking for you. 22 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,104 We'll keep you here until the heat's off, huh? 23 00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:47,107 We heard you chaps were expert in the escape business. 24 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,358 We have our moments. 25 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:50,360 We're rather anxious to get back to base, 26 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,862 even if it means a bit of risk. 27 00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:54,781 Right. Our squadron plays the Royal Engineers next week. 28 00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:55,741 Hate to miss that. 29 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:58,827 You want to get home for a ruddy cricket match? 30 00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,078 Fascinating. 31 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,371 There'll always be an England. 32 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:03,457 ( laughing ) 33 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,042 Into the barracks, everybody. 34 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,043 Into the barracks. 35 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,169 Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell! 36 00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:08,295 Hey, watch it, watch it. 37 00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:09,880 Goon's coming. 38 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,048 Come on! 39 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:14,343 Into the barracks, 40 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:15,135 I said raus, raus... 41 00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,386 Rrr-rrr... 42 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:17,554 You, too! 43 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,014 Raus, raus, raus, raus! 44 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:21,892 Everybody into the barracks until further notice. 45 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:23,101 Schultz, what's going on? 46 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,811 I know nothing. 47 00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,396 Nothing. 48 00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:29,358 Some Kraut colonel just came into camp. 49 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:30,692 Oh, you are so ignorant. 50 00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:33,237 Colonel... it's a general. 51 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,906 General Von Kaplow. 52 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,909 I know nothing, nothing! 53 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,702 Schultz, Schultz! What's he doing here? 54 00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,246 You would like to know, wouldn't you? 55 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:47,543 Even if I know what the General has chained to his wrist, 56 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,461 I wouldn't tell you, and you know why? 57 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,712 Because... 58 00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:53,882 PRISONERS: I know nothing! Nothing! 59 00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:55,425 Jolly jokers. 60 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:01,765 A Wehrmacht General with a briefcase. 61 00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:02,766 Now, why would he stop here? 62 00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:05,060 Carrying secrets, maybe? 63 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:06,895 Could be. 64 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:08,814 I think I'd better go find out from Klink. 65 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,983 How are you going to do that, Colonel? 66 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,735 Lebeau, get out your very best recipes. 67 00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:15,445 They say the way to a man's big mouth 68 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:16,613 is through his stomach. 69 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:33,338 We shall do everything to make you comfortable, Herr General. 70 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:34,882 That's very kind of you, Colonel Quink. 71 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,925 Klink. 72 00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:39,303 I'll try to remember that. 73 00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:40,888 Comfort is important, 74 00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:44,308 but I have chosen to stay here for security reasons. 75 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:47,186 Oh, my dear General, this is Stalag 13. 76 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,272 You need have no worries about security. 77 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:52,316 I always worry. 78 00:03:52,316 --> 00:03:56,570 That's why I am a general and you are a colonel. 79 00:03:56,612 --> 00:03:57,946 Ha, that's good. 80 00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,198 I must remember that. 81 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,616 ( laughing ) 82 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:03,911 Hi, honey. 83 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:06,455 What's the General doing in there with Klink? 84 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,706 The only reason you kiss me 85 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,124 is to get information from me. 86 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,667 Come on, honey, that's not true. 87 00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:11,960 There are other reasons. 88 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,879 For openers, I'm a man, and you're a woman. 89 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,339 Mmm. 90 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:16,757 That's about all I remember from those training films. 91 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,342 What about the General? 92 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,178 The only thing I know is that he pinched me. 93 00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:22,513 At least we know what he likes. 94 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,601 Easy boy, down now. 95 00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:31,480 Sir, Colonel Hogan, Senior POW officer reporting. 96 00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:32,856 How dare you! 97 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:33,857 Oh, I'm sorry. 98 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:34,858 I didn't know you had company, sir. 99 00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,485 How dare you break into my office? 100 00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:37,945 You were confined to quarters. 101 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,029 Well, you see, sir, I was... 102 00:04:39,071 --> 00:04:40,030 Out! 103 00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:41,448 You will be punished for this. 104 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,534 Herr General, I must apologize for this rudeness. 105 00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:45,744 Out! Wait. 106 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,038 What is the problem? 107 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:51,917 Uh, sir, you see, today is one of our national holidays, 108 00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:54,044 Repeal of Prohibition. 109 00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,213 The fellows were preparing a gourmet dinner, 110 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:59,049 and they asked me to invite our lovable commandant 111 00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:00,676 to join in the festivities. 112 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:01,885 Colonel Hogan, you know 113 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:04,054 I never fraternize with the prisoners. 114 00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:04,847 Out! 115 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,723 Just a moment. 116 00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:08,475 Just a moment. 117 00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:11,395 A gourmet dinner in a POW camp. 118 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:12,855 It might be amusing. 119 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:14,231 It might be amusing. 120 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:17,442 We would be honored if the General would join us, too. 121 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,403 Very well, I accept. 122 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:20,571 Very well. He accepts. 123 00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:21,446 All right, fine. 124 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,239 Shall we say 7:30? 125 00:05:22,281 --> 00:05:23,323 7:30. 126 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,283 7:30. 127 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:24,783 In your quarters? In my quarters? 128 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,034 Why not? 129 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:27,578 Why not? 130 00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:28,912 All right, come as you are. 131 00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,372 We're terribly informal here. 132 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:31,832 General... Colonel. 133 00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,803 Excellent... excellent. 134 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,806 Mmm, very delicate flavor. 135 00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:49,850 I am so pleased you are enjoying that, General. 136 00:05:49,892 --> 00:05:53,937 We are not totally uncivilized here at Stalag 13. 137 00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,522 Schultz, you want to lick the pot? 138 00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,274 Yes. 139 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:01,403 Mmm! 140 00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:03,447 Das schmecht gut. 141 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:04,948 You're a better cook than my wife. 142 00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,408 Merci. 143 00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:08,285 You're also better-looking. 144 00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:09,745 ( both chuckling ) 145 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,123 More wine, my dear? 146 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:14,625 More wine for the General. 147 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:16,126 More wine for the General. 148 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:18,170 More wine for the General. 149 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,221 Oh, I beg... Clumsy oaf! 150 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,305 Dummkopf! 151 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:29,681 HOGAN: Oh, well, accidents will happen. 152 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:30,807 Just take a moment to clean up. 153 00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:33,143 Make sure you pick up every bit of glass. 154 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,144 Yes, sir. 155 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,983 Oh, good help is so hard to get these days. 156 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,527 Good help? 157 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,820 KLINK: Oh, you see, Herr General, 158 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,907 he is a prisoner who has to be here anyway. 159 00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:48,825 So, he refers to him as... 160 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:50,661 That's very humorous. 161 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:54,665 Ja, very humorous. 162 00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:56,792 KLINK: You know, this is really delicious. 163 00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:57,584 I once had a meal 164 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:58,836 at Stalag 9. 165 00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:00,003 It was dreadful 166 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,004 compared to this. 167 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,172 Really? 168 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,633 KLINK: I believe that the prisoners ate better 169 00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:06,677 than the Commandant and his officers. 170 00:07:06,677 --> 00:07:10,639 Colonel Hogan, if you had not been captured, 171 00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:12,182 what would you be doing right now? 172 00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:16,061 Oh, probably bombing your headquarters. 173 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,647 ( Kaplow laughs ) 174 00:07:18,689 --> 00:07:20,399 And if you should escape? 175 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,860 I can assure you, he won't. 176 00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:26,780 KAPLOW: As an officer, it is his duty to try. 177 00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,949 Also keeps me out of trouble. 178 00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:30,409 I got most of it, sir. 179 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,870 I just need a dustpan to finish up. 180 00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:34,872 So... a fine meal 181 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:36,623 and good company. 182 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,708 Thank you. 183 00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:40,961 So, shall we adjourn to the living room? 184 00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:42,171 To round out a perfect evening, 185 00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,964 I was hoping that the Commandant would favor us 186 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:44,882 with a bit of music. 187 00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:47,843 Oh, yes, a violin solo, Herr Commandant. 188 00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:49,553 Ah, you're a musician? 189 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:52,931 Well... in a small way. 190 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,266 Oh, he's so modest. 191 00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:56,810 Behind his back the men call him Papa Heifetz. 192 00:07:56,852 --> 00:07:57,853 They do? 193 00:07:57,895 --> 00:08:00,063 Amongst other things. 194 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:01,815 Oh, do play for us. 195 00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:03,108 Just one number? 196 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:06,403 Oh, really, I'm not prepared. 197 00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:07,487 Well, if he can't, he can't. 198 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:08,447 If you insist. 199 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,573 He can. He can! 200 00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:14,536 You won't believe what he does to a violin. 201 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:17,915 ( tuning violin ) 202 00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:21,919 ( Klink plays melancholy tune ) 203 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,936 What's that noise? 204 00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:41,271 Somebody is strangling a cat. 205 00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,524 It's our beloved Commandant. 206 00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:45,317 He's having a go at the violin. 207 00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:47,027 You'd better get in there and listen. 208 00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:48,737 Old Klink would love that. 209 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:49,696 You think so? 210 00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,615 Oh, you'd probably get an extra day's leave. 211 00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,950 Oh, I could start right now. 212 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,374 Go... 213 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:04,211 lights... camera... flash! 214 00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:07,297 Un, deux, trois... 215 00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:15,556 ( applause ) 216 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:17,641 Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, Colonel. 217 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,142 Thank you. Now shall we... 218 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:21,478 Do you know "Melancholy Baby?" 219 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,355 Is that Mozart by any chance? 220 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:26,149 No chance at all. 221 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,819 Oh... well, I have another little number 222 00:09:28,861 --> 00:09:30,028 that is very well received. 223 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,029 Good, good. 224 00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:02,186 General leave for Berlin yet, Colonel? 225 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:06,523 Yeah, and I wish he had taken Klink's fiddle with him. 226 00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:09,193 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. 227 00:10:09,193 --> 00:10:12,029 These are the battle plans of the Fourth Army Group. 228 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:16,200 Attack plan, reserve strength, air support, 229 00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,993 intelligence reports... 230 00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:20,495 Hey, we've got to get this stuff to London, but fast. 231 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:23,415 Hey, Colonel, send them out with our two RAF cricketers. 232 00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:25,042 Sure, use the emergency tunnel. 233 00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:28,170 No, there's too much German activity near the exit. 234 00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:30,380 What would make the Germans loosen up? 235 00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:32,591 Four or five well-placed hand grenades. 236 00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,843 Look, they're winning. 237 00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:37,638 What if they thought they were losing? 238 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,264 Now, how do you manage that? 239 00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:41,725 This will take real organization. 240 00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:46,063 Newkirk, I need two Wehrmacht uniforms for the RAF men. 241 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,397 Right, sir, I'll get their measurements. 242 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,399 Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on? 243 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:50,567 Reversible tie pins. 244 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,402 On one side it says "Heil Hitler." 245 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:55,239 On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war." 246 00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:56,907 Put a hold on the tie pins. 247 00:10:56,949 --> 00:10:58,909 I want them to make a dummy movie camera, 248 00:10:58,951 --> 00:10:59,660 realistic as possible. 249 00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:01,620 Okay. 250 00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:04,706 All right, look, we go to work on the goons tomorrow. 251 00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:05,999 We're selling an idea, 252 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:09,419 so we've got to attack them at their weakest point. 253 00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:10,796 ALL: Schultz! 254 00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:11,880 Who else? 255 00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:14,341 Here he comes! 256 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,805 All right, gentlemen. 257 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:20,764 Now the first thing is, 258 00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:22,057 I don't want you to be discouraged 259 00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,600 by the complexity of the Russian language. 260 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,269 What I want you to do 261 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,229 is learn a few essential words. 262 00:11:27,271 --> 00:11:29,356 Now... the first word we're going to learn 263 00:11:29,398 --> 00:11:31,775 is tovarich, which means friend. 264 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:34,611 It's an obvious way to greet someone. 265 00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,905 Okay, now let me hear you repeat it. 266 00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:38,907 ALL: Tovarich. 267 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:40,284 Very good. 268 00:11:40,284 --> 00:11:41,285 Oh, hi, Schultz. Come on in. 269 00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:42,244 Hello. Now... 270 00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:44,329 What-what-what- what are you doing? 271 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:45,747 We're learning a little Russian. 272 00:11:45,789 --> 00:11:46,915 Good-bye. 273 00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:48,167 Schultz, what's your hurry? 274 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,960 It wouldn't hurt you to learn a little Russian, you know. 275 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,545 What for? 276 00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:56,758 Well, I mean, suppose they liberate Stalag 13 before the Americans. 277 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,178 Th-they are coming? 278 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,430 Could be. Good-bye. 279 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,140 All right... Who told you? 280 00:12:03,182 --> 00:12:07,060 Oh, that's a professional secret. I'm sorry. 281 00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:09,813 Aha! You have a radio hidden. 282 00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:13,066 You were listening to a broadcast. 283 00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:15,235 You know it is verboten. 284 00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:19,323 If the Commandant finds out, you all go to the cooler. 285 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,324 What did the radio say, tell me? 286 00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,660 The Allies are winning on all fronts. 287 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:25,078 Hamburg is in ruins. 288 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,498 Berlin is a shambles. 289 00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:32,794 Oh, boy, no matter what we do, we can't win a war. 290 00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:36,423 All right... 291 00:12:36,465 --> 00:12:41,261 now, the next two words are "da" and "nyet" 292 00:12:41,303 --> 00:12:43,222 meaning "yes" and "no." 293 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:47,851 Now, let me hear you say "yes" and "no" in Russian. 294 00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:49,561 ALL: Da... nyet... 295 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:54,149 Da. Nyet. Da. Nyet. 296 00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:56,860 Da. Nyet. 297 00:12:56,902 --> 00:12:59,905 Da. Nyet. Da... 298 00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:05,452 We the undersigned, POWs of Stalag 13, 299 00:13:05,494 --> 00:13:08,789 certify that Sergeant Schultz 300 00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:14,962 has been a humane and considerate guard of this camp. 301 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:18,966 We ask that he be treated accordingly 302 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:22,261 when the Allies occupy Stalag 13. 303 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,597 Type that up and have everybody sign it. 304 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,766 Will do. 305 00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,017 Schultz, you like that? 306 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,563 Beautiful, tovarich. 307 00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:34,815 I could cry. 308 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:37,401 Berlin is in ruins, and Hamburg is a shambles, 309 00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,779 and the Russians are going to liberate the camp any minute. 310 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,072 How do you know all this? 311 00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:43,240 I know nothing, nothing. 312 00:13:43,282 --> 00:13:44,408 If you know nothing, 313 00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:46,702 where did you get this information? 314 00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:49,246 Once in a while, I know something. 315 00:13:49,288 --> 00:13:50,497 I see. 316 00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:52,416 The letter, please? 317 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:55,085 Letter? 318 00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:57,087 I have no letter. 319 00:13:57,087 --> 00:13:59,381 I swear, Herr Commandant. 320 00:13:59,423 --> 00:14:01,091 I... have a letter. 321 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:04,344 All wrapped up in this neat little package. 322 00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:06,972 I need a few more signatures. 323 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:09,766 This is a terrible thing you're doing, Schultz. 324 00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:11,727 You're a traitor to your country. 325 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,729 You're a traitor to your uniform, 326 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,397 and to my command. 327 00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,274 Yes, Herr Commandant. 328 00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:18,901 Dismissed! 329 00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,946 Would you like me to get you one of these? 330 00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:25,115 Get out of here! 331 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,830 ( Kinch with German accent ): This is Radio Berlin. 332 00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:34,875 We interrupt our daily music for a special announcement 333 00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,376 from Supreme Headquarters. 334 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:39,796 Our beloved Fuhrer will address the German nation 335 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,799 on a matter of the highest importance 336 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,843 this evening at 2100 hours. 337 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:47,471 It is hoped that all Germans will listen 338 00:14:47,513 --> 00:14:49,348 to this special broadcast... 339 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,683 or else. 340 00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:54,895 So you are organizing a Stalag 13 orchestra, huh? 341 00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:58,148 Yes, sir. The Red Cross supplied the instruments. 342 00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:00,817 Love to have you as first violinist, sir. 343 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,152 Well, I don't know, I... 344 00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:04,029 I mean, the men are insisting, sir. 345 00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:05,113 I'm flattered. 346 00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,114 I mean, of course, 347 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:07,866 we'd love to have you as soloist, 348 00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,952 especially at our first concert. 349 00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,328 Let me think it over. 350 00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:13,080 I mean, nothing elaborate. 351 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,873 Maybe four or five numbers 352 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:17,501 ending with "Stars and Stripes Forever." 353 00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:19,336 That's an unusual request. 354 00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,713 Oh, it's almost time for the Fuhrer's speech. 355 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:24,675 You may stay and listen to it, Colonel Hogan, if you wish. 356 00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:26,218 Thank you, sir. 357 00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:29,429 I, uh... wouldn't want to miss this. 358 00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:35,269 KINCH: And now, here is our beloved Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler, himself! 359 00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:37,479 ( cheering and applause ) 360 00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:42,734 ( with German accent ): Germans everywhere, guten Abend. 361 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:49,157 Your Fuhrer speaks to you tonight live from Berlin. 362 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:51,994 ( cheering and applause ) 363 00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:54,621 I'm happy to report that the war 364 00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:59,376 against the enemies of our beloved Third Reich goes well. 365 00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:01,461 ( cheering and applause ) 366 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:05,632 It is possible that you've heard rumors 367 00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:11,388 that Berlin is in ruins, Hamburg is a shambles and so on. 368 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:17,686 I order you not to believe these things even if they are true. 369 00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:19,980 We are winning. 370 00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:23,775 Always winning against the enemy. 371 00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,069 Yet, at the present time, 372 00:16:26,111 --> 00:16:29,281 certain negotiations are under way 373 00:16:29,323 --> 00:16:34,495 which will come as a great surprise to the Fatherland, 374 00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:40,000 but no matter what happens, we will all be together. 375 00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,586 ( cheering and applause ) 376 00:16:42,628 --> 00:16:46,507 In conclusion, I say, 377 00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:49,927 tighten your belts, 378 00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:52,387 work hard, 379 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:55,557 fight dirty, 380 00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:59,770 and no matter what happens 381 00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:02,523 keep smiling. 382 00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:04,316 Keep smiling? 383 00:17:04,358 --> 00:17:07,611 He tells us to keep smiling. 384 00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:13,617 Uh, Colonel, about our orchestra? 385 00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:15,035 Not now. Not now. 386 00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:16,620 We are winning the war. 387 00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,622 But negotiations have started. 388 00:17:18,664 --> 00:17:20,374 Oh, don't worry about it. 389 00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:21,542 Hitler's like everybody else. 390 00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:22,626 He has his moods. 391 00:17:22,668 --> 00:17:23,794 Of course. 392 00:17:23,794 --> 00:17:25,629 Probably had one of his temper tantrums this morning. 393 00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:28,966 Yes, perhaps he had a bad day at Berchtesgaden. 394 00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:30,592 But you can never tell. 395 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:31,927 What do you mean? 396 00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:34,137 Well, I mean, you go along 397 00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,974 running the toughest camp in Germany 398 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:39,643 and suddenly one day you look out 399 00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:42,646 and through the gate comes a Sherman tank 400 00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:47,317 with its peashooter pointed right at your monocle. 401 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:48,443 What? 402 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,195 Yeah, yeah. 403 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:53,657 And then out steps a second lieutenant, 404 00:17:53,657 --> 00:17:56,201 19 years old, 6'4" 405 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:59,246 a high school senior from Wichita, Kansas. 406 00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:00,956 And he says, 407 00:18:00,998 --> 00:18:04,334 "Sir, you are my prisoner!" 408 00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:06,003 Very correct, 409 00:18:06,003 --> 00:18:09,464 and if you move, he shoots you. 410 00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:15,095 Colonel, I'm going to play in your orchestra. 411 00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:16,847 Thank you, sir. 412 00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:19,516 You are sitting in my chair! 413 00:18:19,516 --> 00:18:21,977 Sorry. I got carried away. 414 00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:25,689 I'd get rid of that German helmet if I were you. 415 00:18:25,689 --> 00:18:28,567 It's got that "Hun" feeling about it. 416 00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:30,652 And you don't have to worry 417 00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:33,113 about going to the Russian front. 418 00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,657 The Russian front's coming here. 419 00:18:40,579 --> 00:18:42,915 Did we convince Klink that he's losing the war, Colonel? 420 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,374 All I can tell you is 421 00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:46,210 he's practicing his surrender speech right now. 422 00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:47,294 Let's go over your routine. 423 00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:48,545 Right you are. 424 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:51,632 ( with German accent ): We are a photographic unit 425 00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:54,218 with orders to shoot pictures of Stalag 13 426 00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:55,177 for our military archives. 427 00:18:55,219 --> 00:18:57,179 Right-o. 428 00:18:57,221 --> 00:19:00,140 ( with German accent ): Our car broke down a few miles from here, 429 00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:01,600 and we have come along on foot. 430 00:19:01,642 --> 00:19:03,685 Now, you go through the motions, take the film, 431 00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:04,895 then tell them you need a car 432 00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:06,688 to get back to your headquarters, right? 433 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:07,814 KINCH: Colonel. Oh, Kinch. 434 00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,566 London just confirmed the plan. 435 00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,777 They'll be picked up by our sub tonight. 436 00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,737 Great, great. Stand by the radio. 437 00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:15,280 All right, gentlemen, look, 438 00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:18,158 you're going to take out the documents as negatives 439 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,326 inside this camera. 440 00:19:19,368 --> 00:19:21,870 But I say, what if we're caught 441 00:19:21,912 --> 00:19:23,997 and Jada gets the camera? 442 00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:26,416 Anybody tries to open the magazine 443 00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:29,461 without first pushing the safety... kaboom! 444 00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:31,046 I see. Understood, sir. 445 00:19:31,088 --> 00:19:33,632 Okay. Now, go out the door casually and go about your work. 446 00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,300 Right you are. 447 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:36,593 Heil Hitler. 448 00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:38,178 Heil... heil. 449 00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:41,682 A film of Stalag 13? 450 00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:43,433 Those are the orders, Colonel. 451 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:46,603 We are making pictures of all the prisoner of war camps 452 00:19:46,645 --> 00:19:47,855 for military archives. 453 00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:50,774 But I've heard nothing about this from headquarters. 454 00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:52,401 Well, that is understandable. 455 00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:55,195 Things are a little confused in Berlin these days. 456 00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:57,865 Please don't tell me any more. 457 00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,283 Yes, Hogan? 458 00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:01,160 I couldn't help overhearing, sir. 459 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,162 This is a great break for you, sir. 460 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:04,163 It is? 461 00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:06,790 Oh, sure, a movie of friendly Stalag 13, 462 00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:09,459 where never is heard a discouraging word. 463 00:20:09,501 --> 00:20:11,461 With lovable Commandant Klink. 464 00:20:11,503 --> 00:20:13,839 Forget that kid in the Sherman tank. 465 00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:14,840 Yes, yes, yes. 466 00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:16,842 This will be documentary proof 467 00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:20,637 that you've been a humane guardian of Allied prisoners. 468 00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:21,847 Excellent. 469 00:20:21,889 --> 00:20:23,640 That's an excellent idea. 470 00:20:25,309 --> 00:20:27,144 Gentlemen, you may proceed. 471 00:20:27,144 --> 00:20:29,980 You have my fullest cooperation. 472 00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:30,731 Jawohl, Herr Colonel. 473 00:20:41,325 --> 00:20:42,951 Thank you, Colonel Klink. 474 00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:44,244 That will be fine. 475 00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:46,205 Just a minute, just a minute. 476 00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:49,833 You haven't got a complete picture of Stalag 13 yet. 477 00:20:49,875 --> 00:20:52,294 Now, there is another side I want you to photograph. 478 00:20:52,336 --> 00:20:53,337 Just a moment. 479 00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:07,184 Cut. Very good. 480 00:21:07,226 --> 00:21:09,144 That was an excellent idea, Colonel. 481 00:21:09,186 --> 00:21:10,729 That's all we need, thank you. 482 00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:13,148 Just a moment, just a moment. 483 00:21:13,190 --> 00:21:15,442 This is only the beginning. 484 00:21:15,484 --> 00:21:18,737 Now, let us move the camera over there. 485 00:21:18,779 --> 00:21:20,364 Well, sir, don't overdo it. 486 00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:22,741 If you don't mind! 487 00:21:25,828 --> 00:21:27,120 A star is born. 488 00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:30,874 After you get this shot, 489 00:21:30,916 --> 00:21:33,210 tell the ham that you're out of film, 490 00:21:33,210 --> 00:21:35,379 you need a car, and get out of here. 491 00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:36,713 Right you are. Yes, sir. 492 00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,006 Oops. 493 00:21:38,048 --> 00:21:40,133 We got trouble. 494 00:21:40,175 --> 00:21:41,844 I say, do we make a run for it? 495 00:21:41,885 --> 00:21:42,886 Don't panic. 496 00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:44,388 Play this thing by ear. 497 00:21:44,388 --> 00:21:45,556 Get out of here. 498 00:21:45,556 --> 00:21:46,431 Right-o, sir. 499 00:21:54,898 --> 00:21:56,942 What an unexpected pleasure, Herr General. 500 00:21:56,984 --> 00:21:58,569 Just on my way back from Berlin. 501 00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:01,321 Couldn't wait to see my little friend, Fraulein Helga. 502 00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:04,575 I thought perhaps we could have one of your excellent dinners. 503 00:22:04,575 --> 00:22:07,536 Herr General, you have just returned from Berlin. 504 00:22:07,578 --> 00:22:10,330 Are things really as bad as they say they are? 505 00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:12,249 Things were never better. 506 00:22:12,249 --> 00:22:15,127 The Wilhelmstrasse is busy with the war, 507 00:22:15,169 --> 00:22:17,713 and we are celebrating victories on all fronts. 508 00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:19,882 But what about the rumors? The rumors! 509 00:22:19,923 --> 00:22:23,343 Without rumors, there would be no war. 510 00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:25,262 But the Fuhrer's speech last night. 511 00:22:25,262 --> 00:22:27,347 He hinted there might be negotiations. 512 00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:29,516 Perhaps it was a trial balloon. 513 00:22:29,558 --> 00:22:32,019 Hitler loves to confuse his enemies. 514 00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:34,271 Then we're not losing the war? 515 00:22:34,313 --> 00:22:35,480 Losing? 516 00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:36,815 ( chuckles ) 517 00:22:36,857 --> 00:22:40,861 I've already made a hotel reservation in London. 518 00:22:45,616 --> 00:22:47,242 Just a minute. 519 00:22:47,284 --> 00:22:49,119 There will be no more pictures taken here. 520 00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:50,496 I will personally destroy this film. 521 00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:51,747 Oh, wait. 522 00:22:51,788 --> 00:22:53,123 Good move. 523 00:22:53,123 --> 00:22:54,500 You know this is probably a trick 524 00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:55,918 by the Gestapo to test your loyalty. 525 00:22:55,959 --> 00:22:57,252 But why? 526 00:22:57,294 --> 00:22:58,295 They're jealous. 527 00:22:58,295 --> 00:22:59,755 You're too efficient. 528 00:22:59,796 --> 00:23:01,298 Here, let me take this for you. 529 00:23:07,179 --> 00:23:09,014 There, now... 530 00:23:09,056 --> 00:23:11,308 Here, take that. 531 00:23:11,308 --> 00:23:13,352 I'd get rid of these guys if I were you. 532 00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:14,436 Exactly. 533 00:23:14,478 --> 00:23:15,437 But fast. 534 00:23:15,479 --> 00:23:16,980 Captain, you and your assistant 535 00:23:17,022 --> 00:23:18,273 get out of here at once! 536 00:23:18,315 --> 00:23:20,400 But Colonel, our car broke down. 537 00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:23,028 Schultz, requisition a car and a driver from the motor pool 538 00:23:23,070 --> 00:23:24,696 and take the Captain and his assistant 539 00:23:24,738 --> 00:23:25,822 wherever they wish to go. 540 00:23:25,864 --> 00:23:26,990 Jawohl, Herr Commandant. 541 00:23:26,990 --> 00:23:28,659 Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel. 542 00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:29,785 Heil Hitler. 543 00:23:29,827 --> 00:23:30,953 Heil Hitler and get out. 544 00:23:32,913 --> 00:23:35,707 Imagine the nerve of these men coming here with that camera. 545 00:23:35,749 --> 00:23:38,001 Oh, you handled it masterfully, sir, masterfully. 546 00:23:38,043 --> 00:23:39,878 Thank you. 547 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,048 Colonel Hogan, I have decided not to play 548 00:23:43,090 --> 00:23:45,300 in your prisoners' orchestra. 549 00:23:45,342 --> 00:23:47,719 I may, however, do a solo 550 00:23:47,761 --> 00:23:50,347 over the loudspeaker system. 551 00:23:50,347 --> 00:23:51,557 Well, if I were you, 552 00:23:51,598 --> 00:23:53,684 I'd wait until the General leaves, sir. 553 00:23:53,725 --> 00:23:54,893 Why? 554 00:23:54,935 --> 00:23:58,689 I mean how would it look, a mass escape while he's here? 555 00:24:04,987 --> 00:24:07,823 Now, don't tell me you can't find my violin, Schultz. 556 00:24:07,865 --> 00:24:10,492 Herr Commandant, I was looking for it everywhere. 557 00:24:10,534 --> 00:24:12,995 You will search every inch of this camp again, 558 00:24:13,036 --> 00:24:15,080 and you will search it until you find it. 559 00:24:15,122 --> 00:24:16,790 Jawohl, Herr Commandant. 560 00:24:16,832 --> 00:24:17,583 ( knocking ) 561 00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:18,959 Come in. 562 00:24:19,001 --> 00:24:20,377 You sent for me, Colonel? 563 00:24:20,377 --> 00:24:21,879 Yes. I'm missing my violin. 564 00:24:21,879 --> 00:24:23,046 Now, I want every... 565 00:24:23,046 --> 00:24:24,339 Not anymore, you're not. 566 00:24:24,381 --> 00:24:25,716 Why, thank you, Colonel. 567 00:24:25,757 --> 00:24:27,384 Where did you find it? 568 00:24:27,426 --> 00:24:29,052 Oh, it's a long story. 569 00:24:29,052 --> 00:24:32,389 I will personally put this under lock and key. 570 00:24:35,225 --> 00:24:37,436 Why did you have to find it? 571 00:24:37,477 --> 00:24:40,063 Now he's going to play it again. 572 00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:43,108 If he does, he'll have to blow into it. 573 00:24:43,150 --> 00:24:44,902 ( both chuckle ) 574 00:24:45,305 --> 00:24:51,869 "(End of Episode)" 575 00:24:52,305 --> 00:25:52,807 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/k4ud Help other users to choose the best subtitles