1 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:07,299 CBS presents this program in color. 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:15,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 3 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,942 ( theme song playing ) 4 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,562 SCHULTZ: ...sechs, sieben, acht, neun... 5 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,147 ( continues counting in German ) 6 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,152 Report! 7 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:13,115 Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for. 8 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:14,366 All right, Schultz. 9 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,659 Hogan, 10 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,327 at ease. 11 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:22,124 All present, Colonel Hogan. 12 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,625 I'm glad of that, sir. 13 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,043 Now, you should know 14 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,337 no one ever escapes from Stalag 13. 15 00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:29,840 However, I appreciate your cooperation 16 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,967 in asking for this special count. 17 00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:34,094 A couple of hotheads had a crazy escape plan-- 18 00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,846 you know, in business for themselves. 19 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:37,848 I wanted to head 'em off. 20 00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:39,808 That was a wise decision. 21 00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:44,229 Smoke if you have them. 22 00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,023 I mean, if there's any breaking out, 23 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,691 our Escape Committee can handle that. 24 00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:50,611 KLINK: I warn you, Hogan, one false move and... 25 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:58,493 There it is, Major, a perfect arrow. 26 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:01,163 PILOT: Hogan's Heroes. 27 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,122 I don't know how they do it. 28 00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:04,374 Now, that's what I call service. 29 00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:07,586 They sure turned this mission into a milk run. 30 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,882 Blue Fox Leader to Little Foxes. 31 00:02:11,924 --> 00:02:16,637 Primary target, bearing 0-6 degrees. 32 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,514 Follow me in, drop your eggs, 33 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:21,517 and head for the barn. 34 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,227 Pilot to bombardier. 35 00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,645 It's all yours, Mike. 36 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:27,064 Get that bridge, and I'll punch your ticket 37 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:28,732 to a three-day pass in London. 38 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:49,586 Gentlemen, last night a force of enemy planes 39 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,922 attacked the Adolf Hitler Bridge 40 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:54,007 near the town of Braunstadt. 41 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,718 ( loud cheering ) 42 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,929 Except for minor damage, 43 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:01,306 the Adolf Hitler Bridge was not touched 44 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:04,601 and is being used today for vital military 45 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,103 and civilian traffic. 46 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,563 ( booing and shouting ) 47 00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,106 KLINK: Silence! 48 00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:11,733 The Adolf Hitler Bridge remains intact, 49 00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:14,945 proving the superiority of the German defenses. 50 00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:17,739 Yeah, we'll get the bridge next time, Fritz, baby! 51 00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,116 ( men shouting ) 52 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,659 KLINK: Silence! 53 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,036 Enough of your American insolence. 54 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:26,123 The man who said that will take two steps forward. 55 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,293 Not all of you! Back. 56 00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,461 No, that's wrong! 57 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,965 I wish you'd make up your mind, Schultz. 58 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,216 It's a lovely day for a walk. 59 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,969 Yeah, we should've packed a lunch. 60 00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:40,971 Since you all take two steps forward, 61 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,472 you're all guilty, 62 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,766 and you will all take the consequences. 63 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:48,812 The recreation hall will be closed for one week. 64 00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:52,065 That's terrible! Come on, Colonel! 65 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,775 If you close the recreation hall, 66 00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:55,986 you're gonna deprive us of our Tommy Dorsey records. 67 00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:57,154 ( prisoners mutter agreement ) 68 00:03:57,196 --> 00:03:59,948 That's a cruel, inhuman, sadistic punishment. 69 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:02,492 Colonel Hogan... 70 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:05,412 I am so deeply moved by your protest, 71 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:08,248 the recreation hall will not be closed for one week. 72 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:09,666 ( cheering ) 73 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:12,044 It will be closed for two weeks! 74 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,338 Dismissed! 75 00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,632 ( shouting and groaning ) 76 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:19,510 ...two weeks?! It's impossible! 77 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:24,264 Look, I know that arrow 78 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,682 was pointed in the right direction. 79 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:26,975 I took a bearing from the roof 80 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,727 of Klink's office. Doesn't matter, Kinch, 81 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,604 the Adolf Hitler Bridge is still in business. 82 00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:33,190 Yeah, and Klink's happy-- nasty happy. 83 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,858 Let's make him unhappy-- nasty unhappy. 84 00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:35,859 Let's knock out that bridge. 85 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:37,528 Huh? 86 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,530 What?! You're kidding. I mean, how do we get there? 87 00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:40,781 We'll worry about that later. 88 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,658 What kind of explosives have we got, Carter? 89 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,868 Three firecrackers and a can of lighter fluid. 90 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,119 Firecrackers? 91 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,538 CARTER: Well, sure, you remember. 92 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,748 We told Klink that LeBeau was part Chinese, 93 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,751 we had to have firecrackers to celebrate Chinese New Year. 94 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,545 Oh, yeah. And I cooked that 95 00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:56,755 whole pot of chow mein with sauerkraut. 96 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,382 Please. Not while I'm plotting. 97 00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,551 Have we got anything to make explosives? 98 00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,761 Well, the easiest thing would be some kind of gas, 99 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,596 if we could get a detonator and a timer. 100 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,598 Maybe chlorine gas. What do you need? 101 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,476 Ammonia would do it, mixed with bleach, if we had any. 102 00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:11,311 Hey, the Krauts keep a lot of that stuff 103 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:12,688 in the kitchen for cleaning. 104 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,189 Newkirk, go find Schultz. 105 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:16,441 Volunteer for kitchen detail. Yes, Colonel. 106 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,193 Kinch, you go with Carter, help him set up 107 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,736 his bomb factory in tunnel number three. 108 00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,196 Get him anything he needs. Right. 109 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,156 Wha-What about me, Colonel? 110 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:25,075 What do I do? LeBeau, my boy, 111 00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:27,202 I'm holding you in reserve to make chow mein. 112 00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:28,579 What? 113 00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,122 If Carter's bombs don't do it, 114 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:33,125 we may have to poison that bridge. 115 00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,802 We'd better get out of here. 116 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,137 He's got work to do. 117 00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:46,972 Carter, good luck. And hurry it up. 118 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,140 Yeah, right, Colonel. 119 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,770 ( loud explosion ) 120 00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:58,734 Carter? 121 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,152 Carter? 122 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,154 You okay? Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. 123 00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:04,198 Boy, that stuff's really unstable. Yeah. 124 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,949 You got to get that mixture just right. 125 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:08,702 Yeah, I know, I know. You've got to expect a few little explosions. 126 00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:10,287 Oh, sure. Oh, boy, you keep that up, 127 00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:11,747 Klink'll be down here in a minute, 128 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:12,956 and there goes the ball game. 129 00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:15,000 I think I have an idea how to explain the noise. 130 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:17,794 Carter, keep working. Uh, you do have insurance? 131 00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,435 ( soft hissing ) 132 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,773 ( loud explosion ) 133 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,322 Sign here, Colonel. 134 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,034 And... here. 135 00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:54,039 And here. 136 00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,669 Without requisitions, there would be no war. 137 00:06:58,669 --> 00:06:59,670 Danke. 138 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,926 Greetings, baby. 139 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,847 Herr Kommandant, you sent for me? 140 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,348 I did. 141 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,475 Tell me, Schultz, what was the reaction 142 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,686 to the closing of the recreation hall, hmm? 143 00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,020 Very unhappy. 144 00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,690 They miss Tommy Dorsey. 145 00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,024 What a pity. 146 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,694 I daresay they're calling me all sorts of names? 147 00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,028 The usual, 148 00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,531 but Colonel Hogan has a new one. 149 00:07:27,573 --> 00:07:29,700 It starts with... 150 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:30,951 ( chuckling ) 151 00:07:32,828 --> 00:07:35,414 "Your parents were baboons and..." 152 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,582 I'm not interested! 153 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:41,503 Of course, Herr Kommandant, I did not listen. 154 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,435 ( liquid bubbling, hissing ) 155 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,270 ( loud explosion ) 156 00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,522 Now, uh, during the disciplinary period, 157 00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:03,066 there is bound to be increased escape activity. 158 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,861 I want you to make spot checks on all barracks 159 00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:08,405 and search for any signs of tunnel-digging. 160 00:08:08,447 --> 00:08:10,115 Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. 161 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:10,991 ( explosion ) 162 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,496 Those explosions. 163 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,248 They are top secret. 164 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,250 Please don't tell me. 165 00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,461 I'm such a blabbermouth. 166 00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:25,172 If you open your blabbermouth, by the time you close it, 167 00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:27,758 you will be a well-known figure at the Russian front. 168 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,676 If you live. 169 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:32,596 Now, there is a sign posted a half a mile from here, 170 00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:35,098 "Blasting in Progress for Construction." 171 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:38,101 I have checked with Berlin-- they know nothing about it, 172 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,521 which, of course, means that it is top secret. 173 00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:42,314 The sign has obviously been put up 174 00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:45,067 to make people think that it is a civilian project. 175 00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:46,610 Very clever of Berlin. 176 00:08:46,610 --> 00:08:50,280 ( chuckles ): Oh, those devils-- always up to something. 177 00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:52,658 You are talking about Headquarters, Sergeant. 178 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,160 Oh, I didn't mean it that way, Herr Kommandant. 179 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,037 Now, if the prisoners ask any questions 180 00:08:57,079 --> 00:08:59,039 about these explosions, you know nothing. 181 00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:00,624 You are ignorant. 182 00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:03,210 Oh, I can handle that. 183 00:09:03,252 --> 00:09:04,461 I know. 184 00:09:04,503 --> 00:09:06,129 Dismissed. 185 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:11,510 ( explosion ) 186 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:23,856 ( loud explosion ) 187 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,024 Boy, that was a beaut. 188 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,485 Yeah, he... he loosened one of my fillings. 189 00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:29,653 Write to your prime minister. 190 00:09:29,695 --> 00:09:31,321 You ordered soufflé for tonight? 191 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,323 What you will get is upside-down cake. 192 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:36,451 That's two if you... Wait a minute, I heard something. 193 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,537 Shh. Listen. You're going round the bend... 194 00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,873 ( tapping ) Will you shut up and listen. 195 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,499 It's Carter! The tunnel. 196 00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:45,586 Newkirk, watch the door. LEBEAU: Something's wrong! 197 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,714 HOGAN: Quick, get him out of there. 198 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:52,176 Come on, come on. 199 00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:54,011 Put him here. 200 00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,304 Can you hear me? 201 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,513 Hello, Mom. 202 00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:57,681 The water. 203 00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,725 LeBeau! I'm nervous. 204 00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,352 Will you give it to him. 205 00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:03,437 There. Feeling better? 206 00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:04,730 Much better. 207 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,273 Not you. Him. 208 00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:08,567 I'm fine now. I'm okay. I'm just... 209 00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:11,528 He's in great shape. 210 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,364 No, everything's really fine, Colonel. 211 00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,783 If I could just have a couple of more shots. 212 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,994 A couple of more shots, and we won't be here. 213 00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:21,205 We could never get that stuff to the bridge anyway, 214 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:23,582 even if you got it ready. Shall I make some chow mein? 215 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,042 ( whispers ): Watch out! Goons coming! 216 00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:36,678 Hi, Schultz. 217 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,515 Hello, gentlemen! 218 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,558 Oh, it's our old pal, Schultz. 219 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,894 What is wrong with Carter? He looks terrible. 220 00:10:43,936 --> 00:10:46,271 Very sick. Oh? 221 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,564 One for Mommy. 222 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:52,152 And one for Daddy. 223 00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,238 What is that? Medicine. 224 00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:55,280 It's delicious-- you want some? 225 00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:56,740 Ugh! No. 226 00:10:56,782 --> 00:10:58,659 We take him to the hospital. 227 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,035 SCHULTZ: Langenscheidt! 228 00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:03,497 Hey, Schultz, what about a game of cards, then? 229 00:11:03,539 --> 00:11:04,748 Come on. Who, me? 230 00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,667 You're a right old wizard at poker, you are. 231 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,752 At poker I stink. 232 00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,379 No need to get personal, now. 233 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:11,964 Hey, come on, Kinch, deal. 234 00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,427 ( speaks German ) 235 00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,638 Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. 236 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,974 Hmm. Auf Wiedersehen. 237 00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:30,274 We still got to figure a way to make more ammunition. 238 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:32,401 Well, I'm still willing to try, Colonel. 239 00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:33,735 Whose side are you on? 240 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,196 NEWKIRK: Pity we don't have about 500 of these. 241 00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:38,031 They'd make a lovely bomb. 242 00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:40,325 Hey, Newkirk, where'd you get these? 243 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,244 Schultz's cartridge case-- I pinched them 244 00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:44,163 while I was giving him that old jolly-up. 245 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,456 Bit of practice. You get rusty, you know. 246 00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:48,834 Oh, yeah. Why not? 247 00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:51,128 Why not what, Colonel? 248 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:54,464 Blow up the Adolf Hitler Bridge with their own ammunition. 249 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,800 It's a nice touch. Here. 250 00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:01,305 All right, fellas, look at here. 251 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,515 This is where the Krauts keep their ammunition, 252 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:04,975 in the ammunition room, right? 253 00:12:05,017 --> 00:12:09,146 Now, we dig a right-angle turn in tunnel number three, 254 00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:12,441 and we surface in the middle of all that beautiful gunpowder. 255 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:13,817 That's marvelous! 256 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,028 That's great. Wait a minute, hold it, fellas. 257 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:19,156 Before you get too happy, I got some bad news. 258 00:12:19,198 --> 00:12:22,409 That last explosion collapsed about 50 feet of tunnel three. 259 00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,870 KINCH: Oh, that's the clincher. 260 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,413 The way the Krauts are watching us, 261 00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:28,373 it'll take us a month to clear that 50 feet. 262 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,501 Newkirk, can you pick a lock? 263 00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:32,836 I find that question, sir, highly insulting. 264 00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,505 Sorry, old bean, I should have known. 265 00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,298 Gentlemen, I think we're in business. 266 00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:37,674 LeBeau, we can use all the paint 267 00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:39,426 you have left over from that sign job 268 00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:40,761 and a couple of paintbrushes, too. 269 00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:41,929 Okay. What for? 270 00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:46,099 Tonight we're going to paint Klink into a corner. 271 00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:55,567 "Hess... 272 00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,569 is a mess." 273 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,738 "Himmler is a rat fink." 274 00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:03,367 "Goering is a fat rat fink." 275 00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:05,369 "Col. Klink... 276 00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:09,873 is bucking for rat fink." 277 00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:11,124 Oh, no! 278 00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:14,586 KLINK: Hogan, this time you've gone too far. 279 00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:15,712 Aw, come on, Colonel. 280 00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:17,005 That's a boyish prank. 281 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,341 Ever since you closed up the recreation hall, 282 00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:21,802 they can't dance to their Tommy Dorsey records. 283 00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,387 Got to blow off steam somehow. 284 00:13:23,387 --> 00:13:26,056 I'll send you to the cooler, every one of you! 285 00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:27,558 Temper, temper, Colonel. 286 00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:28,976 Your men can paint out those words 287 00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,352 in a couple of hours. 288 00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:31,895 My men? Your men! 289 00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:34,189 They will paint this entire building at once. 290 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,400 Then we'll talk about punishment. Schultz! 291 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,901 Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. 292 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,903 Issue paints and brushes to these assassins at once. 293 00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,238 Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. 294 00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:43,073 Now, wait a minute, Colonel. I protest. 295 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,575 Prisoners of war are not required 296 00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:45,742 to do this kind of work. 297 00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,286 We'll need a tarp-- a big one. 298 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,453 And besides that, 299 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:49,913 it's against all the rules of civilized warfare. 300 00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:51,915 Need a couple of ladders-- tall. 301 00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:54,585 Jawohl. One more word out of you, Hogan, 302 00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:56,295 and your men will paint this building 303 00:13:56,336 --> 00:14:00,424 for the entire war-- in chains! 304 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,182 Newkirk, paint the door trim, huh? 305 00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:10,434 I'll have to go under the tarp for that, sir. 306 00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:12,686 I don't care how you do it. 307 00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:13,437 Okay, Colonel. 308 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:30,204 Piece of cake. 309 00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:34,249 LeBeau, get under the tarp, work on the door. 310 00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,126 Right, Colonel. 311 00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:45,135 HOGAN: All right. Come on, fellas, let's get this job done. 312 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,392 That job is going to take much more time 313 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:53,894 than we thought, Colonel. 314 00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:55,229 It's slow work. 315 00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:56,522 All right, Newkirk. 316 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,732 Permission to go to the hut for a minute, Schultz? 317 00:14:58,774 --> 00:14:59,900 Jawohl. 318 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,280 Water the paint. 319 00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:07,491 We need more time. 320 00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:20,546 There is more traffic here than downtown Berlin. 321 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,173 Paint fumes gather underneath the tarp, Schultz. 322 00:15:23,215 --> 00:15:24,716 They have to clear their heads. 323 00:15:30,222 --> 00:15:34,351 I wish I had a drugstore on this corner. 324 00:15:34,393 --> 00:15:36,854 You ordered us to paint the building. We painted it. 325 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:39,606 Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. 326 00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:41,567 I can still read those insults. 327 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,318 Now, you will paint it again, 328 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:44,862 and again, if necessary, 329 00:15:44,862 --> 00:15:46,572 until those insulting statements are gone. 330 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:47,990 Now, paint it! 331 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,411 All right, fellas, you heard the Commandant. 332 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,662 Now, let's get it right. 333 00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,375 No, no, no, no, no! 334 00:15:58,417 --> 00:16:00,711 A pink building on a military establishment? 335 00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:02,504 Are you mad? 336 00:16:02,546 --> 00:16:04,173 If you think I wouldn't turn you 337 00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:06,425 over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken. 338 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,843 Come on, Colonel. It's about time 339 00:16:07,885 --> 00:16:09,219 we got a little color in the war. 340 00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:11,638 Everything's so drab. 341 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,807 Paint it again! 342 00:16:13,849 --> 00:16:16,185 All right. So there won't be any misunderstanding, 343 00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,728 Carter, come here. 344 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,940 Carter was a decorator before the war. 345 00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:24,776 I've made up some samples for you, sir. 346 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,403 What? 347 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:28,614 May I suggest Blue Lagoon? 348 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,324 Blue Lagoon? 349 00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:32,367 It's so warm and friendly. 350 00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:36,246 My wife loves Shocking Burgundy. 351 00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:37,873 Shocking Burgundy? 352 00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:40,918 I'm a little partial to chartreuse, myself. 353 00:16:40,918 --> 00:16:43,754 Well, after all, you are an officer, sir. 354 00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:47,758 Paint it as all the other buildings. Schnell! 355 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,428 No imagination. 356 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:08,779 All we have to do is set this timer, and boom! 357 00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,322 Hello, Adolf? 358 00:17:10,364 --> 00:17:13,325 Did you see a bridge go by at 5,000 feet? 359 00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:16,328 Ja? Well, it had your name on it, mate! 360 00:17:16,370 --> 00:17:17,830 Fine. We have the bomb. 361 00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,122 Now, how do we get it there? 362 00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,124 I'm glad you asked that, my friend. 363 00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:23,043 Might I have your attention, please? 364 00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,796 Here is Braunstadt and the bridge, and here we are. 365 00:17:25,796 --> 00:17:28,340 Every day, the Division messenger comes in here 366 00:17:28,382 --> 00:17:31,093 to pick up the mail and, like a good little Kraut, 367 00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:34,137 he goes back across the bridge on his little motorcycle. 368 00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:36,974 Tomorrow, there's going to be a little extra package 369 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:40,269 in his little sidecar-- without him knowing, of course. Cute? 370 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:41,854 Cute. Cute. 371 00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,856 Well, how can we be exact about setting the timer? 372 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:45,983 All rear echelon drivers have orders 373 00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:47,860 not to exceed 40 miles an hour. 374 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:50,320 Right. So all we have to do is measure the distance 375 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,364 from here to the bridge at 40 miles an hour, 376 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:54,408 and then set the timer so that it blows up 377 00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:55,868 while he's crossing the bridge. 378 00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:58,078 My son the mathematician. 379 00:18:26,857 --> 00:18:29,026 What are you doing, eh? 380 00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:30,819 Oh, I was admiring your motor, that's all. 381 00:18:31,195 --> 00:18:32,863 Get off. 382 00:18:32,863 --> 00:18:35,365 Hey, you know, I had a motorcycle at home? 383 00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:37,034 I said, get away! 384 00:18:37,034 --> 00:18:40,204 You.... You push me, I push you right back. 385 00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:42,039 Wait. Wait a minute. 386 00:18:42,039 --> 00:18:43,749 Maybe I don't push you back. 387 00:19:04,353 --> 00:19:05,312 Bon voyage! 388 00:19:05,354 --> 00:19:06,980 I wonder 389 00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:09,691 what the new messenger's going to be like. 390 00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:11,693 What are you doing? 391 00:19:11,735 --> 00:19:14,279 Very nasty bit of work, that courier, Schultz. 392 00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:15,405 You're telling me? 393 00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,199 I asked him to take one pound 394 00:19:17,241 --> 00:19:19,326 of coffee to my wife in Dusseldorf. 395 00:19:19,368 --> 00:19:22,246 He charged me ten marks for that little detour. 396 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:23,330 Dusseldorf? 397 00:19:23,372 --> 00:19:24,081 A detour? 398 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:26,416 Oops. 399 00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:30,754 Now, according to my figures, it's, uh, roughly 20 minutes 400 00:19:30,796 --> 00:19:33,131 before he reaches the crossroads here. 401 00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:34,508 The road to the left is Dusseldorf, 402 00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:36,301 to the right Braunstadt and the bridge, huh? 403 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,095 Yeah, and, according to the information 404 00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:39,513 that we pumped out of Schultz, 405 00:19:39,555 --> 00:19:41,056 they've got three sentries posted 406 00:19:41,098 --> 00:19:42,391 between here and Braunstadt. 407 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,309 They're numbered, uh, five, seven and nine. 408 00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:46,603 All connected by phone. Yes, Colonel. 409 00:19:46,645 --> 00:19:48,939 The Krauts use them for setting up roadblocks. 410 00:19:48,939 --> 00:19:50,691 Now, Number Nine is closest 411 00:19:50,732 --> 00:19:52,150 to the crossroads. Here. 412 00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,194 That's the one we try for. 413 00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:55,696 If Kinch is right, 414 00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,448 we have exactly 18 minutes before that bomb blows. 415 00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:01,368 Start sweating. 416 00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:03,245 And that's an order. 417 00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:13,547 So, your men were going to try to bribe me. 418 00:20:13,589 --> 00:20:14,840 Me. 419 00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:15,966 Afraid so, sir. 420 00:20:16,008 --> 00:20:17,843 Indeed. 421 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:22,264 Fraulein Helga, come in here with your notebook at once. 422 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:29,229 ( clears throat ) 423 00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:30,522 Bribery, huh? 424 00:20:30,564 --> 00:20:33,066 This will go down in the record for Berlin. 425 00:20:33,108 --> 00:20:35,444 Now, Fraulein Helga, I want you to take down everything 426 00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:37,613 that is said in this office, verbatim. 427 00:20:37,654 --> 00:20:38,822 Jawohl, Herr Colonel. 428 00:20:38,864 --> 00:20:40,199 All right, Colonel, 429 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,784 now just what exactly did your men do, huh? 430 00:20:42,826 --> 00:20:44,661 Well, they gave the Division Messenger money 431 00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:46,371 to pick up a case of your favorite wine 432 00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:47,664 in Dusseldorf. 433 00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,124 ( bangs table ) 434 00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:50,542 ( speaking German ) 435 00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:53,295 They figured the bribe, or the gift, 436 00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:55,547 would make you reopen the recreation hall. 437 00:20:55,589 --> 00:20:57,132 And they keep saying, 438 00:20:57,174 --> 00:20:59,676 there's a lot of human being in Colonel Klink. 439 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:00,719 ( scoffs ) 440 00:21:00,761 --> 00:21:02,221 Those fools. 441 00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,515 I told them they were wrong. 442 00:21:04,515 --> 00:21:05,891 A bribe, huh? 443 00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:08,185 I will throw them in the cooler for life. 444 00:21:08,352 --> 00:21:10,437 Even after the war. 445 00:21:10,479 --> 00:21:11,522 Even if we lose. 446 00:21:13,148 --> 00:21:15,067 Schultz, arrest the Division Messenger 447 00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,361 the moment he sets foot in this camp again. 448 00:21:17,361 --> 00:21:19,363 Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. 449 00:21:19,363 --> 00:21:21,031 I must say 450 00:21:21,031 --> 00:21:23,659 you're the most secure officer I've ever met. 451 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,118 What do you mean? 452 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,204 Well, the Division Messenger goes to Dusseldorf, 453 00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:30,541 stops at a bar for a drink, starts bragging about the bribe, 454 00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:32,960 the Gestapo overhears. 455 00:21:33,001 --> 00:21:34,878 My hat's off to you, sir. 456 00:21:34,878 --> 00:21:36,630 I mean, do you care if they need officers 457 00:21:36,672 --> 00:21:38,507 at the Russian Front? No, sir. 458 00:21:38,549 --> 00:21:40,592 That's enough. 459 00:21:40,634 --> 00:21:42,636 Get me the Division Messenger on the road 460 00:21:42,678 --> 00:21:43,720 to Braunstadt at once. 461 00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:45,138 Sentry Post Number Nine. 462 00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:46,473 Ring Sentry Post Number Nine. 463 00:21:46,515 --> 00:21:48,308 There goes my pound of coffee. 464 00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:50,686 Don't put that down, baby. 465 00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:51,895 Schultz, stop muttering. 466 00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:55,190 The Recreation Hall, huh? 467 00:21:55,232 --> 00:21:56,316 I shall personally 468 00:21:56,358 --> 00:21:58,235 smash their Tommy Dorsey records 469 00:21:58,235 --> 00:21:59,611 in front of their eyes. 470 00:21:59,653 --> 00:22:00,946 Oh, come on, Colonel... 471 00:22:00,988 --> 00:22:02,739 And their Jimmy Dorsey records. 472 00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:05,200 Also the Andrews Sisters. 473 00:22:05,242 --> 00:22:06,577 Hello? 474 00:22:06,618 --> 00:22:08,912 This is Colonel Klink, Luft Stalag 13. 475 00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,330 What? 476 00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:11,915 Oh, yes, yes, yes. Heil Hitler. 477 00:22:11,915 --> 00:22:14,042 Has the Division Messenger passed your way yet? 478 00:22:14,084 --> 00:22:15,669 He hasn't? 479 00:22:15,711 --> 00:22:17,254 Good. Now listen carefully. 480 00:22:17,296 --> 00:22:18,922 He is not to go to Dusseldorf 481 00:22:18,964 --> 00:22:20,549 for any reason whatsoever. 482 00:22:20,591 --> 00:22:22,426 He must proceed on his regular route. 483 00:22:22,426 --> 00:22:23,760 To Braunstadt across the bridge. 484 00:22:23,802 --> 00:22:25,345 To Braunstadt across the bridge. 485 00:22:25,596 --> 00:22:26,597 Understood? 486 00:22:26,638 --> 00:22:27,639 Understood. 487 00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:28,849 Now you're to telephone me 488 00:22:28,891 --> 00:22:30,058 and confirm. 489 00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:31,768 If these orders are not carried out, 490 00:22:31,810 --> 00:22:33,770 you and the messenger will be court-martialed, 491 00:22:33,770 --> 00:22:35,230 shot and sent to the Russian Front. 492 00:22:35,272 --> 00:22:36,440 That's all. 493 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,691 What? 494 00:22:37,733 --> 00:22:40,110 Oh, yes, of course. Heil Hitler. 495 00:22:40,110 --> 00:22:42,321 Did, uh, you say something 496 00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:43,447 while I was talking on the phone? 497 00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:44,615 Me? No, sir. 498 00:22:44,656 --> 00:22:46,033 Schultz, 499 00:22:46,074 --> 00:22:47,451 you're muttering again. 500 00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:53,916 All right, now we shall all wait 501 00:22:53,957 --> 00:22:56,293 until the sentry calls us back. 502 00:22:56,335 --> 00:22:57,961 And then you will watch me 503 00:22:58,003 --> 00:23:01,006 throw your men into the cooler with my own hands. 504 00:23:01,048 --> 00:23:03,550 And you can put cooler in capital letters. 505 00:23:24,905 --> 00:23:25,948 And if I find any 506 00:23:25,989 --> 00:23:27,157 Bing Crosby records, 507 00:23:27,324 --> 00:23:28,992 I smash them, too. 508 00:23:29,034 --> 00:23:32,037 ( explosion ) 509 00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:35,833 Herr Kommandant, that was the worst. 510 00:23:35,833 --> 00:23:37,042 It's that construction work. 511 00:23:37,084 --> 00:23:38,210 I wish they'd finish. 512 00:23:38,252 --> 00:23:39,336 I'm getting sick of this. 513 00:23:39,378 --> 00:23:40,671 I don't think there are going 514 00:23:40,712 --> 00:23:42,172 to be any more explosions, Colonel. 515 00:23:42,214 --> 00:23:43,799 And how do you know, may I ask? 516 00:23:43,841 --> 00:23:45,467 Just a wild guess. 517 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,934 And the source of the mysterious explosion 518 00:23:53,976 --> 00:23:57,437 that destroyed the bridge is being investigated. 519 00:23:57,479 --> 00:23:59,064 PRISONER: Good luck, Charlie. 520 00:23:59,106 --> 00:24:00,190 ( laughter ) 521 00:24:00,232 --> 00:24:01,358 In the meantime, 522 00:24:01,358 --> 00:24:02,568 I am calling for volunteers 523 00:24:02,609 --> 00:24:04,903 to help rebuild the Adolf Hitler Bridge. 524 00:24:04,945 --> 00:24:06,947 ( all talking at once ) 525 00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:10,993 Oh, pipe down, pipe down. 526 00:24:11,034 --> 00:24:12,286 Colonel, I volunteer the services 527 00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:13,662 of my command. 528 00:24:13,704 --> 00:24:15,622 ( all talking at once ) 529 00:24:15,664 --> 00:24:16,790 HOGAN: Pipe down, pipe down. 530 00:24:16,832 --> 00:24:18,041 Thank you, Colonel, thank you. 531 00:24:18,083 --> 00:24:20,419 HOGAN: Provided the recreation hall is reopened 532 00:24:20,460 --> 00:24:22,337 and all past offenses are excused. 533 00:24:22,379 --> 00:24:25,007 Request granted. 534 00:24:25,048 --> 00:24:27,092 Dismissed. 535 00:24:27,134 --> 00:24:29,052 ( all talking at once ) 536 00:24:30,470 --> 00:24:31,638 Shh. 537 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,557 All right, all right. 538 00:24:33,599 --> 00:24:35,017 We're going to rebuild the bridge 539 00:24:35,058 --> 00:24:36,518 with a very special feature. 540 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:37,769 What do you mean by that? 541 00:24:37,811 --> 00:24:39,730 It's going to be the only bridge in the world 542 00:24:39,730 --> 00:24:41,565 with a built-in bomb. 543 00:24:42,305 --> 00:25:42,470 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org