1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 2 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,043 "Oh, America" 3 00:00:25,545 --> 00:00:28,115 I wish i could tell you that this was still America. 4 00:00:28,598 --> 00:00:31,899 But I've come to realise that you can't have a country without people. 5 00:00:33,359 --> 00:00:35,294 And there are no people here 6 00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:57,028 No my friends... this is now "The United States Of Zombieland" 7 00:01:00,736 --> 00:01:05,002 It's amazing how quickly thing can go from 'bad' to 'total shit-storm'. 8 00:01:05,906 --> 00:01:09,016 And why am I alive, when everyone around me had turned to meat? 9 00:01:09,524 --> 00:01:11,483 It's because of my list of rules. 10 00:01:12,188 --> 00:01:15,669 Rule#1 for survival in Zombieland... is "Cardio". 11 00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:23,236 When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first one to go were the fatties. 12 00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,004 Poor fat bastard! 13 00:01:30,493 --> 00:01:33,275 As the infection spread and chaos grew... 14 00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,721 It wasn't enough just being fast on your feet 15 00:01:36,938 --> 00:01:39,417 You'd have to get a gun and learn how to use it. 16 00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:43,069 Which leads me to my second rule "The Double Tag" 17 00:01:44,787 --> 00:01:48,111 In those moments when you're not sure that the 'undead' are really dead-ed 18 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:52,801 Don't get off stingy with your bullets. I mean one more clean shot to the head. 19 00:01:55,065 --> 00:01:57,829 And this lady could have avoided becoming a human happy-meal. 20 00:01:58,968 --> 00:02:01,325 Woulda? Coulda? Shoulda? 21 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,089 It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. 22 00:02:04,543 --> 00:02:07,768 When you are at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it. 23 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:18,352 Don't let them catch you with your pants down. 24 00:02:18,353 --> 00:02:20,732 Rule #3 "Beware of Bathrooms" 25 00:02:23,005 --> 00:02:25,223 As zombie began to outnumber humans 26 00:02:25,652 --> 00:02:28,217 That's when you have to cut all emotional ties 27 00:02:28,530 --> 00:02:31,820 If the girls in your neigborhood are now fucked up little monsters, 28 00:02:33,479 --> 00:02:35,808 Oh, maybe it's time to stop driving car pools. 29 00:02:41,425 --> 00:02:45,004 You have to focus, on your own survival, which leads to Rule#4 30 00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:47,107 Pretty basic. 31 00:02:54,111 --> 00:02:55,998 "Fasten your seatbelts" 32 00:02:56,032 --> 00:02:57,753 It's gonna be a bumpy ride. 33 00:04:40,255 --> 00:04:42,214 That guy down there, is me. 34 00:04:42,993 --> 00:04:47,502 I'm in Garland, Texas. That may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually Garland. 35 00:04:52,069 --> 00:04:56,041 Just 2 months and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country. 36 00:04:56,501 --> 00:05:01,280 I may seem like an unlikely survivor with all my phobias and irritable bowel syndrom. 37 00:05:01,665 --> 00:05:05,244 but I had the advantage of never having any friends or close family. 38 00:05:06,143 --> 00:05:09,554 I survived because I played it safe and follow the rules... 39 00:05:10,112 --> 00:05:11,374 My rules. 40 00:05:28,657 --> 00:05:30,262 "Rule #1: Cardio" 41 00:05:39,693 --> 00:05:40,440 Shit. 42 00:05:47,575 --> 00:05:49,884 "Rule #1: Cardio" 43 00:05:53,692 --> 00:05:54,844 Of course. 44 00:06:17,227 --> 00:06:19,874 "Rule #4: Seatbelts" 45 00:06:21,666 --> 00:06:22,559 Motherfucker. 46 00:06:41,461 --> 00:06:43,612 "Rule #2: Double Tap" 47 00:06:47,099 --> 00:06:50,381 On the bright side, I did find the place to go number 2 48 00:06:55,231 --> 00:06:58,179 Another rule to surviving Zombieland: 'Travel light' 49 00:06:58,694 --> 00:07:00,531 And I don't mean just luggage. 50 00:07:00,822 --> 00:07:06,710 I've always been kind of a loner, I avoided other people like they were zombies; even before they were zombies. 51 00:07:06,781 --> 00:07:10,287 Now that they are all zombies, I kinda miss people. 52 00:07:10,685 --> 00:07:15,277 So I'm on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas to Columbus, Ohio. 53 00:07:15,459 --> 00:07:17,549 Where, Im hoping my parents are still alive. 54 00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:21,808 Eventhough, we were never really close, just be nice to see a familiar face. 55 00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:25,928 Or any face that doesn't have blood dripping from it's lips and flesh between its teeth. 56 00:08:51,590 --> 00:08:52,869 Thank you. 57 00:08:59,132 --> 00:09:01,229 - What are you looking for? - Nothing, I just uh... 58 00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:02,548 I had this list. 59 00:09:02,887 --> 00:09:04,941 No one back there but my duffel bag. 60 00:09:08,874 --> 00:09:09,835 What's your name? 61 00:09:10,068 --> 00:09:13,755 Stop, no names. Keeps us from getting too familiar. 62 00:09:15,475 --> 00:09:18,145 You almost knocked off your alcohol with your knife. 63 00:09:18,856 --> 00:09:20,780 - That's okay, you don't have to... - No. 64 00:09:21,081 --> 00:09:24,379 - Where are you headed? - Columbus. 65 00:09:24,702 --> 00:09:25,639 You? 66 00:09:26,838 --> 00:09:28,200 Tallahassee. 67 00:09:31,712 --> 00:09:34,754 - More? - Uh, no, one for me, one and done. 68 00:09:37,117 --> 00:09:41,918 You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both uh...east. 69 00:09:41,919 --> 00:09:46,962 - So? - So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least for a while 70 00:09:47,798 --> 00:09:52,792 Here's the deal, Columbus...huh Im not easy to get along with 71 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:56,321 and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch 72 00:09:57,226 --> 00:10:02,289 - I'll get this relationship to about uh, Texarkana. - Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana. 73 00:10:03,222 --> 00:10:05,415 You're a pappy little spit fuck aren't you? 74 00:10:06,591 --> 00:10:12,226 - You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety. - I can tell already, you are getting on my nerve. 75 00:10:13,901 --> 00:10:15,864 Even though teaming up wasn't my style. 76 00:10:16,052 --> 00:10:18,326 I figure, I'll be safer with Tallahassee. 77 00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:22,319 You see he was in the ass kicking business, and - Bussiness is Good. 78 00:10:23,430 --> 00:10:27,366 It became quickly apparent that he did have one weaknesss. 79 00:10:28,165 --> 00:10:31,728 - What are we doing here? - Take a look. It's a goddamn 'Hostess' truck. 80 00:10:31,855 --> 00:10:34,503 Yeah, I see that a Hostess truck. So what? 81 00:10:35,126 --> 00:10:37,409 I could use a Twinkie. 82 00:10:42,523 --> 00:10:45,943 - You coming? - Uh yes, yeah, one second 83 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,885 - Are you fucking with me? - No. 84 00:10:53,223 --> 00:10:59,174 You should actually, limber up as well especially, if you're going down that hill its very important. 85 00:10:59,996 --> 00:11:05,650 I don't believe in it. You ever seen a lion limber up before taking down a gazelle? 86 00:11:28,869 --> 00:11:32,140 - Sno-balls..? - Yeah. Sno-balls? 87 00:11:33,369 --> 00:11:37,837 - Where's the fucking Twinkies? - I like Sno-balls. 88 00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:41,900 I hate coconut. Not the taste, the consistency. 89 00:11:46,019 --> 00:11:48,178 Oh, this Twinkie thing it ain't over yet. 90 00:11:51,957 --> 00:11:56,384 This may be a bad time, but, I just ate the brown sugar Snowballs. 91 00:11:56,706 --> 00:11:58,405 - Really? - Really. 92 00:12:04,874 --> 00:12:07,747 I know. Again? So soon? What can I say. 93 00:12:08,016 --> 00:12:10,394 I have a case of cronic anxiety. 94 00:12:13,646 --> 00:12:16,120 It is.. I've always been kind of phobic 95 00:12:16,282 --> 00:12:18,469 I find lots of things disturbing. 96 00:12:18,764 --> 00:12:23,883 Like undertoe, or department store centers, being alone with a baby. 97 00:12:25,865 --> 00:12:29,228 But the thing I fear more than anything, yes, even more than zombies. 98 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,592 Fucking clowns. 99 00:12:35,392 --> 00:12:39,640 When you're afraid of everything that's out there, You quit going out there. 100 00:12:40,357 --> 00:12:42,653 Which is what happened to me before Zombieland. 101 00:12:43,272 --> 00:12:46,398 Friday night. Third straight week indoors. 102 00:12:46,702 --> 00:12:48,155 World of Warcraft. 103 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:52,743 Leaning tower of pizza boxes. Code red Mountain Dew. 104 00:12:53,275 --> 00:12:54,761 Pride? No where. 105 00:12:55,287 --> 00:12:57,052 Dignity? Long gone. 106 00:12:57,087 --> 00:12:59,969 Virginity? Totally justifyable to speculate on. 107 00:13:01,076 --> 00:13:04,053 My whole life, All I ever wanted was to find a girl. 108 00:13:04,545 --> 00:13:07,509 And fall in love, bring her home to meet the folks. 109 00:13:07,839 --> 00:13:11,064 Then again, since my folks are a couple of paranoid shut ins like me 110 00:13:11,066 --> 00:13:13,331 Maybe this girl could bring me home to her folks. 111 00:13:13,554 --> 00:13:16,676 And then, I'll finally be a member of a cool functional family. 112 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,575 Please, is anyone home? Please, its an emergency. 113 00:13:23,137 --> 00:13:25,852 I don't usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic, 114 00:13:25,854 --> 00:13:28,285 ...but my neighbour 406 is insanely hot. 115 00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:35,540 Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 116 00:13:37,092 --> 00:13:38,275 Nice to meet you. 117 00:13:51,441 --> 00:13:53,737 - Mountain Dew? - Yeah, Code Red. 118 00:13:53,955 --> 00:13:55,650 And here's some Gold Grams. 119 00:13:55,652 --> 00:13:57,592 The zip lock bags keep them crisp. 120 00:13:57,952 --> 00:13:59,098 Okay. 121 00:14:01,996 --> 00:14:08,796 - Tell me, what happened? - He was homeless and sick... 122 00:14:08,797 --> 00:14:11,329 And i was walking home from the bar talking on the phone. 123 00:14:11,331 --> 00:14:15,359 And then, he just came, sprinting towards me. 124 00:14:15,758 --> 00:14:19,111 I mean, not, not running, 'sprinting'. 125 00:14:20,055 --> 00:14:27,382 I thought you know he was, like maybe he was running from someone 126 00:14:27,417 --> 00:14:27,741 or after them...the last time I saw he was out there going crazy. 127 00:14:27,839 --> 00:14:30,405 - Drunks maybe? - No. 128 00:14:31,231 --> 00:14:33,481 - I didn't even told you the worst part. 129 00:14:34,518 --> 00:14:37,721 - Yeah? - He tried to bite me. 130 00:14:39,988 --> 00:14:45,190 - You are right, that's the worst part. - Sorry, I was just so scared. 131 00:14:45,828 --> 00:14:49,429 No no no, you should be scared the homeless guys just tried to eat you. 132 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:52,047 That's like the right kind of scare, that's a reasonable scare. 133 00:14:52,047 --> 00:14:54,418 You know, I get scared for things that don't make sense at all, like... 134 00:14:54,418 --> 00:14:58,121 Clowns, with red noses, or like the rag that use to wipe on table. 135 00:14:58,121 --> 00:15:00,796 when you finishes eating, like a.. chain restaurant. 136 00:15:00,831 --> 00:15:05,204 - Really? - Look, the point is I'm here for you, okay? 137 00:15:05,811 --> 00:15:08,681 And as long as you're by my side, I'm not leaving this apartment. 138 00:15:09,531 --> 00:15:12,043 Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute? 139 00:15:12,113 --> 00:15:14,827 - No, of course, of course. - Thank you. 140 00:15:17,275 --> 00:15:20,946 Set aside the feverish homeless cannibal I'm living in the dream. 141 00:15:21,743 --> 00:15:26,324 I've had always my whole life wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear. 142 00:15:27,822 --> 00:15:29,262 Goodnight. 143 00:15:44,731 --> 00:15:45,898 Oh my god. 144 00:15:46,721 --> 00:15:47,693 Are you okay? 145 00:15:53,192 --> 00:15:55,665 Okay okay okay. Stop stop stop. 146 00:15:55,857 --> 00:15:56,872 What're you doing? 147 00:16:03,883 --> 00:16:07,173 Look, stay back 406, okay? I dont wanna hurt you, but.. 148 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:08,134 Shit. 149 00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:22,075 Oh my god. I'm so fucking sorry. 150 00:16:59,329 --> 00:17:01,471 You see, you just can't trust anyone. 151 00:17:01,956 --> 00:17:05,006 The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me. 152 00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:23,420 Listen to me, 406. 153 00:17:24,618 --> 00:17:30,274 If you're in there.. You're just sick, okay? 154 00:17:42,472 --> 00:17:44,330 "Rule #2: Double Tap" 155 00:17:45,752 --> 00:17:48,796 That was my first brush, with the plaque of the 21st century. 156 00:17:49,421 --> 00:17:54,111 Remember mad cow disease? Well 'Mad cow' became 'mad person' became 'mad zombie'. 157 00:17:54,456 --> 00:18:00,113 It's a fast acting virus, that left you with a swollen brain, raging fever and make you hateful, violent. 158 00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:03,235 And give you really really bad case of the munchies 159 00:18:03,236 --> 00:18:05,482 Alright, you steer, I'll push. 160 00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:07,484 Okay. 161 00:18:12,852 --> 00:18:16,806 - I've heard there's a place untouched by all this crap? - Back east, yeah. 162 00:18:16,807 --> 00:18:18,282 Yeah, you heard the same thing? 163 00:18:18,842 --> 00:18:22,704 Out west we hear, back east..back east hear it's here out west. 164 00:18:22,737 --> 00:18:25,234 And it's all just nonsense. 165 00:18:25,820 --> 00:18:31,165 You know, you're like a penguin on the north pole, hear the south pole is really nice this time of year. 166 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,679 There are no penguins on the north pole. 167 00:18:35,374 --> 00:18:37,570 You wanna feel how hard I can punch? 168 00:18:39,821 --> 00:18:42,936 - So, what do you think? - You mean, the last time I laid some pipe? 169 00:18:44,017 --> 00:18:47,776 The last time you went 22's? The percy in the playpen.. 170 00:18:47,776 --> 00:18:50,815 - It's personal. - Wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy. 171 00:18:50,817 --> 00:18:53,708 - Went heels to Jesus. - Oh, make loves. 172 00:18:53,709 --> 00:18:56,183 Well, it's just, sex. 173 00:18:56,183 --> 00:19:02,448 Uhm.. Three weeks ago, yeah. In the back of an abandoned FedEx truck. 174 00:19:03,189 --> 00:19:06,833 - Shut, up. - No, no, I was headed east.. 175 00:19:06,834 --> 00:19:08,790 She uh, west. 176 00:19:09,291 --> 00:19:13,302 And we took shelter in the back of the truck. It was full of undelivered packages. 177 00:19:13,302 --> 00:19:14,972 What was her name? 178 00:19:15,007 --> 00:19:15,893 Beverly. 179 00:19:16,271 --> 00:19:18,867 - Beverly Hills. - You dog. 180 00:19:21,679 --> 00:19:24,697 - So uh, what about you? - Me? 181 00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:29,345 I... I... Ai yai yai. 182 00:19:32,377 --> 00:19:34,827 Oh my god. That's extra sick. 183 00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:39,645 It'll makes you sad, it makes you.. makes you think you could go back 184 00:19:39,647 --> 00:19:42,593 To the way things were right now, you know, you'd be... 185 00:19:42,593 --> 00:19:46,554 You'd be out in the backyard, you know, trying to catch a fireflies. 186 00:19:47,315 --> 00:19:48,393 ...and instead of this. 187 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,688 - I mean it makes you... - Hungry. 188 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,931 - I'm worried about you. 189 00:19:55,931 --> 00:19:59,618 - Look, whatever you have waitin' for you in Columbus, I'll promise you 190 00:19:59,618 --> 00:20:03,460 It ain't be any pretty than our friend here enjoying her man-which. 191 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,204 Tallahassee had a sixth sense of humour when it came to zombies. 192 00:20:13,649 --> 00:20:17,123 Zombies aren't the most loveable creature but he really hated them. 193 00:20:17,365 --> 00:20:21,352 In fact the only thing he was more obsessed to than killing a zombie was finding a Twinkie. 194 00:20:21,676 --> 00:20:24,800 Something about the Twinkie reminded him about, time not so long ago. 195 00:20:25,081 --> 00:20:28,011 When things were simple and not so fucking psychotic. 196 00:20:28,874 --> 00:20:31,934 It was like if he got a taste of that comforting childhood treat, 197 00:20:31,934 --> 00:20:35,477 the world would become innocent again and everything would return to normall. 198 00:20:35,964 --> 00:20:37,547 Pretty prospecting. 199 00:20:38,593 --> 00:20:42,033 Jesus christ. You're a dangerous man. 200 00:20:43,095 --> 00:20:45,565 You're gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie? 201 00:20:46,126 --> 00:20:48,851 There's a boxes of Twinkies in that grocery store. 202 00:20:49,297 --> 00:20:50,966 Not just any box of Twinkie. 203 00:20:50,989 --> 00:20:55,845 The last box of Twinkie that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. 204 00:20:56,073 --> 00:20:59,013 Believe it or not, Twinkie have an expiration day. 205 00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:05,929 Someday very soon, life's little Twinkle gauge is gonna go empty. 206 00:21:06,392 --> 00:21:08,536 Time to nut up or shut up! 207 00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:15,732 When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he set the standard for not to be fucked with. 208 00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:19,057 No fear, nothing to lose. 209 00:21:19,151 --> 00:21:21,290 What can I say, it's like, it's like art. 210 00:21:39,279 --> 00:21:40,892 You got a purdy mouth! 211 00:21:51,336 --> 00:21:52,243 Don't swing, don't swing. 212 00:21:52,805 --> 00:21:53,672 Swing. 213 00:21:59,202 --> 00:22:01,372 - Thank you. - You owe me. 214 00:22:04,848 --> 00:22:06,668 - You're great one. - I know. 215 00:22:07,706 --> 00:22:09,841 Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie. 216 00:22:11,715 --> 00:22:13,053 Oh, big hoss. 217 00:22:19,478 --> 00:22:22,116 Come here big fella, just gonna take a little off the top. 218 00:22:30,053 --> 00:22:34,086 - Wow, these fellas really let themselves go. - And they're so fat. 219 00:22:34,622 --> 00:22:36,618 Uh, I think we should probably just keep going. 220 00:22:39,921 --> 00:22:42,542 All I could think of was "What are the odds?". 221 00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:45,482 Another marriageable women to bring home to the folks. 222 00:22:46,496 --> 00:22:47,287 Come quick. 223 00:22:48,472 --> 00:22:51,330 Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it. 224 00:22:55,716 --> 00:22:56,822 I'll catch up later. 225 00:23:00,050 --> 00:23:05,288 "Rule #22: When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out" 226 00:23:12,646 --> 00:23:17,883 They're sisters. The little one's been bit. Act normal, try not to freak her out. 227 00:23:20,481 --> 00:23:23,364 Colombus. Wichita, Little Rock. 228 00:23:26,169 --> 00:23:29,474 - So, you did all this for a Twinkie? - Oh, no no no no, he did. 229 00:23:29,474 --> 00:23:32,814 I'm just kind of like a Sancho Panza character. 230 00:23:35,528 --> 00:23:39,107 - Um, I don't think she has long to live. - I know, so does she. 231 00:23:39,109 --> 00:23:40,717 We're just looking for a way out. 232 00:23:42,201 --> 00:23:46,560 - No no no no, she's still a little girl. - Don't talk about me like I'm not here. 233 00:23:46,818 --> 00:23:53,199 Alright, I'm sorry. Look, I know, you know that you're really sick. 234 00:23:54,799 --> 00:23:58,177 - But uh, your sister wants me to.. - It's not her decision 235 00:23:58,179 --> 00:23:59,423 It's mine. 236 00:23:59,819 --> 00:24:01,238 I made a promise. 237 00:24:03,289 --> 00:24:05,999 We already said goodbye, but we didn't have a gun. 238 00:24:06,509 --> 00:24:08,004 Oh look, we don't know that there's definitely no cure right? 239 00:24:08,055 --> 00:24:09,628 You're just gut-less. 240 00:24:10,351 --> 00:24:11,812 Give him the gun. 241 00:24:27,889 --> 00:24:29,985 Wait, wait. 242 00:24:33,474 --> 00:24:34,396 I'll do it. 243 00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:53,038 - I love you. - I love you too. 244 00:25:03,896 --> 00:25:05,392 You need some help? 245 00:25:05,547 --> 00:25:07,014 Now that you mention it. 246 00:25:07,529 --> 00:25:10,391 We'll take your weapons, your car key, your ammunitions. 247 00:25:10,393 --> 00:25:11,996 And if you got it, sugarless gum. 248 00:25:12,517 --> 00:25:13,657 What the fuck. 249 00:25:15,159 --> 00:25:16,827 Wa.. Wait, why are you guys doing it? 250 00:25:17,036 --> 00:25:21,424 Well, better you make the mistake of trusting us, than we make the mistake of trusting you. 251 00:25:24,363 --> 00:25:29,276 Of course the first hot girl in a thousand miles shows up, makes me feels like an idiot, steals my double barrow 252 00:25:29,310 --> 00:25:31,693 and says I'm the one that can't be trusted. 253 00:25:36,347 --> 00:25:39,544 Nice going genius. You're the one that gave her the gun. 254 00:25:40,165 --> 00:25:41,973 Those guys were dumb. 255 00:25:44,119 --> 00:25:48,985 - Avoid the vanity mirror. - Relax ok, I just passed for a zombie. 256 00:25:50,447 --> 00:25:55,073 - What I'd give for a show... - Do not say the S-H-O-W-E-R, okay? 257 00:25:55,108 --> 00:25:56,533 Just get the rule going. 258 00:25:57,232 --> 00:25:59,682 - So, do you think it's true? - Is what true? 259 00:26:00,035 --> 00:26:03,378 - Rumors about Pacific Playland. - Totally zombie-free. Only places way to go. 260 00:26:07,368 --> 00:26:08,611 Trust me. 261 00:26:11,501 --> 00:26:16,639 So he's on one of the serious Tour 'de France bikes, you know with the, like the toeholds, right 262 00:26:16,639 --> 00:26:20,779 And uh, he's peddling. And the zombies head is like caught in the gear. 263 00:26:21,766 --> 00:26:24,768 You know with the hair and the chain just like, going around. 264 00:26:25,151 --> 00:26:26,227 Very cool. 265 00:26:26,228 --> 00:26:27,826 - Yeah. - But.. 266 00:26:28,433 --> 00:26:31,553 Zombie-kill of the week.. no sir. 267 00:26:32,050 --> 00:26:34,937 I saw this construction worker I shit you not. 268 00:26:35,775 --> 00:26:39,710 He's on the steam roller and the zombie goes down in front of me.. 269 00:26:39,710 --> 00:26:41,659 Ever roll a tube of tooth paste up from the bottom? 270 00:26:41,659 --> 00:26:45,997 - Yeah. I always rolled up from bottom to top. - Yeah, zombie's head is the cap. 271 00:26:46,008 --> 00:26:48,866 Do you know this guy who's trying to like.. to be in everyone's story? 272 00:26:49,625 --> 00:26:53,217 No. I knew who got away worse than that to me. 273 00:26:53,861 --> 00:26:57,575 - I just try to find their car. - Which would remind me.. 274 00:26:57,575 --> 00:27:00,377 I never had headaches like this 'til your ass came on board. 275 00:27:00,377 --> 00:27:04,201 Do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac. 276 00:27:04,369 --> 00:27:07,678 - Hey, this is a nice mini-van. - Yes, it is nice. 277 00:27:08,516 --> 00:27:10,135 That's a beautiful van. 278 00:27:11,694 --> 00:27:15,335 Tallahassee firmly believe that you have to blow off steam in Zombieland 279 00:27:15,335 --> 00:27:17,990 ...or else you'll lose what's left of your mind. 280 00:27:17,553 --> 00:27:20,569 Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, 281 00:27:21,330 --> 00:27:23,047 Then I say "Hey, go waste shit". 282 00:27:23,436 --> 00:27:25,945 I want my Caddy back. 283 00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:28,662 Stupid little bitches. 284 00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:38,170 Oh, I think I pulled something. 285 00:27:39,865 --> 00:27:43,387 You think there's two of us smart enough to come home with a car like that? 286 00:27:46,775 --> 00:27:48,528 You hesitated. 287 00:27:50,299 --> 00:27:54,429 Would you rather be smart or lucky? 288 00:27:55,511 --> 00:27:57,356 Look at what we got here. 289 00:28:25,140 --> 00:28:26,998 - It's nice. - Small finger. 290 00:28:31,008 --> 00:28:32,986 "Rule #31: Check The Back Seat" 291 00:28:37,197 --> 00:28:39,336 Thank God for rednecks. 292 00:28:40,203 --> 00:28:46,723 This is a really big truck, and these are really big gun. 293 00:28:47,190 --> 00:28:48,386 Take your time. 294 00:29:11,793 --> 00:29:15,933 You know they say "He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves". 295 00:29:15,933 --> 00:29:17,499 Alright, two graves. 296 00:29:17,499 --> 00:29:20,010 One for the big chick, one for the little chick. 297 00:29:20,126 --> 00:29:21,795 You're scary happy. 298 00:29:24,350 --> 00:29:27,023 Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home. 299 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:29,619 So you want to talk about home? 300 00:29:30,681 --> 00:29:34,474 To me home was a, puppy name Buck. 301 00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,056 Cutest dog ever. 302 00:29:44,891 --> 00:29:46,658 Cause of those fucking zombies... 303 00:29:47,979 --> 00:29:49,252 I lost him. 304 00:29:49,768 --> 00:29:52,142 There ain't no getting him back, so uh... 305 00:29:52,939 --> 00:29:54,743 I'm looking for a new home. 306 00:29:55,857 --> 00:30:00,650 Tomorrow maybe, skinny dip in a Yellowstone River. 307 00:30:00,904 --> 00:30:04,553 Swinging from the chandeliers in a Playboy mansion, but today, 308 00:30:04,569 --> 00:30:11,621 A Vortec 6 fucking litre V8. A box full of hollow points and a Lord willin' and GD Twinkie. 309 00:30:13,232 --> 00:30:15,414 Gotta enjoy the little things. 310 00:30:17,010 --> 00:30:20,284 I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like Yosmite Sam, 311 00:30:20,285 --> 00:30:21,725 but I'm writing it down. 312 00:30:22,335 --> 00:30:25,304 Rule No. 32 Enjoy the little things 313 00:30:31,795 --> 00:30:34,817 - Going in, it's a trap. 314 00:30:34,809 --> 00:30:36,187 Wait here. 315 00:30:36,188 --> 00:30:37,148 Drive down if I signal. 316 00:30:37,990 --> 00:30:39,856 - You're not gonna shoot them, are you? 317 00:30:40,238 --> 00:30:42,087 - Unless the shoot me. 318 00:30:43,624 --> 00:30:45,352 Oh, let's hope they shoot me. 319 00:31:34,635 --> 00:31:36,040 Looks like they hoofed it. 320 00:31:37,207 --> 00:31:38,579 Probably headed west. 321 00:31:39,609 --> 00:31:41,777 Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled. 322 00:31:46,670 --> 00:31:47,920 They're in the back, aren't they? 323 00:31:48,238 --> 00:31:49,799 - Just me. 324 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:53,544 - I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger. 325 00:31:53,669 --> 00:31:56,431 - You got taken hostage by a twelve year old? 326 00:31:56,717 --> 00:31:58,455 Well, girls mature faster than boys. 327 00:31:58,456 --> 00:32:00,472 She is way ahead of where I was at that age. 328 00:32:00,487 --> 00:32:02,953 - Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please. 329 00:32:03,722 --> 00:32:05,642 - Like you would ever use it.. 330 00:32:05,643 --> 00:32:08,235 Don't kill me with my own gun. 331 00:32:08,605 --> 00:32:10,589 - All those violent video games. 332 00:32:10,590 --> 00:32:11,933 - Thank you. 333 00:32:12,420 --> 00:32:14,179 Now honk your horn. - What? 334 00:32:14,180 --> 00:32:15,140 - Honk it. 335 00:32:20,420 --> 00:32:21,860 - Oh, there's your sister, that's my gun. 336 00:32:21,861 --> 00:32:22,821 Hello. 337 00:32:26,861 --> 00:32:28,821 - Bummer. 338 00:32:29,472 --> 00:32:32,355 Now step away from the vehicle. 339 00:32:33,472 --> 00:32:35,355 You get to ride shotgun 340 00:32:43,303 --> 00:32:44,578 I kinda like this girl. 341 00:32:44,925 --> 00:32:47,245 She's not your typical hot, stuck up bitch. 342 00:32:49,046 --> 00:32:52,079 Even before Zombieland, Wichita was running the table on guys like us. 343 00:33:07,074 --> 00:33:08,166 - What are you looking for? 344 00:33:07,842 --> 00:33:09,706 - My engagement ring. 345 00:33:11,364 --> 00:33:15,163 - I took it off to pump my gas and I thought I had it in my purse, 346 00:33:15,164 --> 00:33:16,604 but it must've fallen out. 347 00:33:16,726 --> 00:33:18,819 And I'm late for my flight.. 348 00:33:18,821 --> 00:33:21,809 - Listen, I'll find your ring and I'll FedEx it to you. 349 00:33:22,386 --> 00:33:23,730 - I'll give you a reward 350 00:33:24,307 --> 00:33:25,267 - Do not be silly. 351 00:33:25,268 --> 00:33:26,228 - Three-thousand dollars. 352 00:33:26,775 --> 00:33:29,481 It's worth more than my car. 353 00:33:30,432 --> 00:33:32,020 - Just, just give me your number. 354 00:33:34,087 --> 00:33:35,210 I'll find it. 355 00:33:35,403 --> 00:33:37,323 Yeah I'll start looking for it right now. 356 00:33:37,324 --> 00:33:38,764 Cause I got nothing else to do. 357 00:33:39,999 --> 00:33:41,950 I was engaged once, 358 00:33:41,951 --> 00:33:43,391 but I'm single now. 359 00:33:46,407 --> 00:33:47,743 Bye 360 00:33:50,432 --> 00:33:51,872 Hope you make your flight. 361 00:33:57,870 --> 00:34:02,172 I know it's around here somewhere, she's on a plane, that's the beauty of it. 362 00:34:05,900 --> 00:34:07,115 Let me call you back. 363 00:34:07,663 --> 00:34:09,450 Hey, you found my ring. 364 00:34:10,903 --> 00:34:13,022 Thanks, I've been looking all over for it. 365 00:34:12,964 --> 00:34:14,705 - Your ring? - It was my friend's. 366 00:34:15,230 --> 00:34:17,851 I'm gonna send it to her. - Do I get a reward? 367 00:34:19,734 --> 00:34:25,032 - 40, 60, 80, 400, That's it. That's the whole register. 368 00:34:28,231 --> 00:34:30,379 You made someone very happy. 369 00:34:31,191 --> 00:34:32,295 - You too. 370 00:34:40,445 --> 00:34:45,071 - How many left? - Let me see. 371 00:34:47,951 --> 00:34:50,159 Enough for us to get to California. 372 00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:53,040 Someday I want a ring this big. 373 00:34:52,561 --> 00:34:55,441 - For the low price of 30 bucks, sold. 374 00:34:57,578 --> 00:35:01,267 It's amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry and a cut-throat attitude. 375 00:35:02,161 --> 00:35:04,924 I guess we're just lucky they didn't leave us by the side of the road. 376 00:35:07,530 --> 00:35:09,752 - Thank you Wichita, Thanks Little Rock. 377 00:35:14,638 --> 00:35:17,410 - Hey for fuck's sake, enough already, we're being chased by ravenous freaks. 378 00:35:17,540 --> 00:35:19,724 We don't have enough problems? 379 00:35:19,725 --> 00:35:22,125 "Oh, they stole my Hummer", "We have trust issues". 380 00:35:22,126 --> 00:35:25,198 Now get over it, okay, we can't just fucking drive down the road playing I-spy, 381 00:35:25,199 --> 00:35:27,887 or some shit for two hours, like four normal-ass Americans? 382 00:35:27,888 --> 00:35:29,232 Fuck me! 383 00:35:30,533 --> 00:35:31,753 I know 384 00:35:33,770 --> 00:35:35,594 Let me be the mature one. 385 00:35:48,727 --> 00:35:49,860 - So 386 00:35:50,132 --> 00:35:51,239 Where are you guys headed. 387 00:35:51,748 --> 00:35:53,325 - "Pacific Playland" 388 00:35:54,094 --> 00:35:55,054 - The amusement park? 389 00:35:55,055 --> 00:35:56,207 - Wait, outside LA? 390 00:35:56,605 --> 00:35:57,932 - Yeah, we went there as kids. 391 00:35:59,007 --> 00:36:00,838 - That place totally blows.. 392 00:36:02,618 --> 00:36:07,761 my mind. It's so fun. Just good entertainment for the whole family. 393 00:36:08,085 --> 00:36:12,057 - Yeah actually I went there as a kid too. In fact this probably counts as off season. 394 00:36:12,357 --> 00:36:15,041 - Well, did you guys hear? There are no zombies there 395 00:36:15,042 --> 00:36:16,194 - Yeah, we heard. 396 00:36:16,195 --> 00:36:18,019 You know what, I may not shoot you, 397 00:36:18,020 --> 00:36:21,187 but you still royally piss me off. 398 00:36:21,188 --> 00:36:24,452 And I'm not going to play with you at Pacific Playland. 399 00:36:26,313 --> 00:36:29,244 - Don't worry he grows on you. - Really? 400 00:36:29,341 --> 00:36:31,453 - No, it's worse. - Okay. 401 00:36:30,885 --> 00:36:33,263 How about we play the quiet game? 402 00:36:33,340 --> 00:36:34,871 Yeah? Starting now. 403 00:36:37,496 --> 00:36:41,837 - Oh, I've actually been meaning to ask you. Did you hear anything about Columbus, Ohio? 404 00:36:41,838 --> 00:36:43,757 - You've heard of the quiet game? - Sorry. 405 00:36:43,765 --> 00:36:45,911 No? Well they're playing it in Columbus, ohio. 406 00:36:45,959 --> 00:36:48,543 It's a total ghost town, burned to the ground. 407 00:36:57,855 --> 00:36:59,103 - You're Columbus. 408 00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:01,600 I'm sorry. 409 00:37:01,985 --> 00:37:03,329 I didn't realize it was.. 410 00:37:05,165 --> 00:37:06,808 I'm not sure what's more tragic, 411 00:37:07,206 --> 00:37:08,618 That my family is gone, 412 00:37:08,619 --> 00:37:12,267 or the realization that I had never much of a family to begin with. 413 00:37:12,287 --> 00:37:14,339 Either way I can't pretend that whatever I'm looking for, 414 00:37:14,340 --> 00:37:15,972 I'll find by going home. 415 00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:17,631 I have no home. 416 00:37:20,317 --> 00:37:21,314 - We can, 417 00:37:22,179 --> 00:37:24,675 give you a ride. 418 00:37:25,279 --> 00:37:28,490 You can go, see for yourself, or settle somewhere new. 419 00:37:33,758 --> 00:37:36,207 I could tell she knew what I was feeling. 420 00:37:36,207 --> 00:37:38,607 We are all orphans in Zombieland. 421 00:37:51,759 --> 00:37:54,351 I know this Pacific Playland thing is nuts, 422 00:37:55,216 --> 00:37:56,752 but, 423 00:37:57,041 --> 00:37:59,633 it's been so long since she got to be a kid. 424 00:38:01,129 --> 00:38:03,205 - It's tough growing up in Zombieland. - It's tough growing up. 425 00:38:12,037 --> 00:38:14,149 There, you can take that truck. 426 00:38:18,758 --> 00:38:20,870 Well, I, 427 00:38:21,047 --> 00:38:23,505 hope you find whoever it is you're looking for. 428 00:38:25,115 --> 00:38:28,148 And don't let go, once you do. 429 00:38:40,900 --> 00:38:43,248 It wasn't just because i had nowhere else to go. 430 00:38:44,097 --> 00:38:46,439 It was cause in that moment it became clear. 431 00:38:47,537 --> 00:38:48,960 Wherever this girl was, 432 00:38:49,703 --> 00:38:51,287 that's whereIi wanted to be. 433 00:39:09,527 --> 00:39:13,367 - Man we're gonna have to pull over soon. I'm feeling cooped up. 434 00:39:14,328 --> 00:39:17,399 Wantamiro Wampum, Yeah that'll work. 435 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:19,128 - Okay but what the hell are we doing? 436 00:39:19,321 --> 00:39:21,433 - Just humor him, trust me. 437 00:39:35,359 --> 00:39:37,279 - Hold on. - Who wants to go first? 438 00:39:38,144 --> 00:39:40,448 I really, really wanna impress Wichita, 439 00:39:41,696 --> 00:39:45,152 but it would be a direct violation of Rule #17, maybe the most important of all, 440 00:39:45,153 --> 00:39:47,073 Don't be hero. 441 00:39:47,075 --> 00:39:48,620 - Why don't you take this one. 442 00:39:48,716 --> 00:39:50,060 - Don't mind if I do. 443 00:40:04,351 --> 00:40:07,065 What do you think? Zombie kill of the week? 444 00:40:07,157 --> 00:40:08,882 Close, but no cigar. 445 00:40:09,332 --> 00:40:12,620 Zombie kill of the week goes to sister Cynthia Knickerbocker. 446 00:40:17,819 --> 00:40:19,374 Poor flat bastard. 447 00:40:40,373 --> 00:40:41,774 - Perfume? - What? 448 00:40:42,522 --> 00:40:43,927 - Is that perfume? 449 00:40:45,704 --> 00:40:47,147 - It's cologne. 450 00:40:47,396 --> 00:40:49,193 - I'm thinking: 451 00:40:49,194 --> 00:40:51,017 "Lanco Magnifique" 452 00:40:51,018 --> 00:40:53,898 - Why don't you speak up, they might've missed it in Santa fe. 453 00:41:01,699 --> 00:41:03,948 - Oh my God. You're thinking about fucking Wichita. 454 00:41:05,058 --> 00:41:08,411 Wish granted. She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both. 455 00:41:11,901 --> 00:41:14,843 Good luck now Petunia. 456 00:41:20,527 --> 00:41:24,711 - Ok, let me begin my three-part apology by saying 457 00:41:24,711 --> 00:41:27,038 that I think you're a wonderful human with great potential.. 458 00:41:27,038 --> 00:41:32,059 - FYI, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that. 459 00:41:32,409 --> 00:41:37,046 - I'm sure - You get 45% power. 460 00:41:37,046 --> 00:41:37,893 - Thank you. 461 00:41:40,254 --> 00:41:41,693 Come on, break another one. 462 00:41:46,011 --> 00:41:46,707 Nice. 463 00:41:50,773 --> 00:41:52,244 Doesn't that feel good. 464 00:42:39,378 --> 00:42:42,642 Sometimes Tallahassee's right. You gotta enjoy the little things. 465 00:42:42,778 --> 00:42:45,469 Even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things. 466 00:42:49,790 --> 00:42:51,038 - What smells like perfume? 467 00:42:54,302 --> 00:42:56,318 - You don't know who Willie Nelson is? - No. 468 00:42:58,143 --> 00:43:01,503 - Willie Nelson. - Yeah, no, I don't. 469 00:43:02,272 --> 00:43:04,946 - Yeah I shave every morning but sometimes 470 00:43:04,946 --> 00:43:09,088 by like 4:30 I have a thing... (continue rambling) 471 00:43:09,089 --> 00:43:13,217 - Since this is a freeway. You can get it up to 65, but you don't wanna go more than 75. 472 00:43:13,733 --> 00:43:14,936 - You don't wanna go more than 20. 473 00:43:15,554 --> 00:43:21,076 - Do not worry about it. Blind spots, blind spots are for other drivers. 474 00:43:22,037 --> 00:43:26,957 - So do you never strap in or just, when on road trips? - It's just, you know, 475 00:43:27,681 --> 00:43:30,743 there's zombies everywhere. I think the least of my worries is.. 476 00:43:30,972 --> 00:43:31,654 - Yeah that's true. 477 00:43:31,655 --> 00:43:32,615 ..seat belts. 478 00:43:32,921 --> 00:43:35,027 - Yes but no, she's not. she's not. 479 00:43:35,027 --> 00:43:37,386 She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana, when she's wearing the wig. 480 00:43:37,421 --> 00:43:38,684 -Okay, right. -So.. 481 00:43:43,677 --> 00:43:46,365 - This is kind of freeing. - Yeah. 482 00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:51,641 For the first time in a long time, 483 00:43:51,883 --> 00:43:53,318 we were having fun. 484 00:43:53,383 --> 00:43:56,103 So even though it ran counter to our survival strategies, 485 00:43:56,104 --> 00:43:58,504 we decided to stay together as far as Pacific Playland. 486 00:44:26,065 --> 00:44:29,510 - You know I think sleep deprivation is like the number one health problem in America. 487 00:44:30,279 --> 00:44:32,487 No, I think it moth be number two. 488 00:44:32,488 --> 00:44:35,368 - Number two.. - That's adorable. 489 00:44:35,369 --> 00:44:38,440 - I'm just saying we should find a place to crash. - Oh, I got an idea. 490 00:44:39,113 --> 00:44:40,937 We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style. 491 00:44:47,178 --> 00:44:48,426 Grab a map. 492 00:44:54,570 --> 00:44:56,010 - Come on. - Hurry. 493 00:45:05,446 --> 00:45:09,159 - It seems like everyone who has ever been in a movie lives on this block. 494 00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:11,944 - What exactly do you think we're doing in the 90210 Sally? 495 00:45:12,429 --> 00:45:15,194 - I kind of pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer. 496 00:45:15,195 --> 00:45:18,074 - B..lister compared to who I got in mind folks. 497 00:45:19,035 --> 00:45:21,819 We are going to the Tipi Top of the A-list. 498 00:45:22,108 --> 00:45:24,412 - Who? - You'll see. 499 00:45:30,164 --> 00:45:32,464 - Hey, here's a big BM. 500 00:45:32,465 --> 00:45:34,193 - It ain't Bob Marley. 501 00:45:40,721 --> 00:45:42,161 - This place is incredible. 502 00:45:53,201 --> 00:45:58,961 - Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to La Menzion de Murray. 503 00:45:58,962 --> 00:46:00,594 - Oh, Bill Murray 504 00:46:00,760 --> 00:46:01,756 - God, no way. 505 00:46:02,162 --> 00:46:05,749 This guy has a direct line to my funny bone, I mean every.. 506 00:46:05,750 --> 00:46:07,670 - Boy, who's Bill Murray? 507 00:46:07,671 --> 00:46:13,430 - I have never hit a kid before, but I mean that's like asking who Gandhi is. 508 00:46:14,007 --> 00:46:15,351 - Who's Gandhi? 509 00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:17,272 - She's twelve. 510 00:46:21,113 --> 00:46:23,032 - No Twinkies. - Shit Bob. 511 00:46:22,916 --> 00:46:26,639 - See? I told you we should've gone to Russel Crowe's. No one listens to me. 512 00:46:26,640 --> 00:46:28,080 - Hello, inside voices, okay? 513 00:46:28,081 --> 00:46:29,521 - At least until we know we are alone. 514 00:46:29,640 --> 00:46:31,080 - Hey Tallahassee, Wichita why don't you take that way. 515 00:46:31,522 --> 00:46:33,361 Little Rock come here. 516 00:46:33,362 --> 00:46:34,802 Why do I get stuck with her? 517 00:46:38,643 --> 00:46:39,987 It doesn't seem to end. 518 00:46:46,035 --> 00:46:46,995 Hey come here. 519 00:46:49,204 --> 00:46:51,796 He has his own movie theatre? 520 00:46:55,349 --> 00:46:57,461 Ok, I'm gonna teach you a little something about Bill Murray. 521 00:46:59,669 --> 00:47:01,301 The king slept right here. 522 00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:05,301 Dibs on the bed. 523 00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:10,236 Too soft for me anyway. 524 00:47:16,705 --> 00:47:19,645 Oh, this is so exciting, you're about to learn who you're gonna call. 525 00:47:19,934 --> 00:47:21,182 Ghostbusters. 526 00:47:38,462 --> 00:47:41,341 This is pretty catchy. 527 00:47:44,221 --> 00:47:48,061 Help me with the boots, come on. Help me with the boots. 528 00:47:49,598 --> 00:47:51,230 Ok, I'll get 'em myself. 529 00:48:17,624 --> 00:48:19,174 Bill Murray, you're a zombie? 530 00:48:27,416 --> 00:48:29,318 You're not a zombie, you're talking. 531 00:48:29,559 --> 00:48:30,802 You're okay. 532 00:48:30,965 --> 00:48:35,908 - The hell I am. - I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was you-you. 533 00:48:35,842 --> 00:48:38,003 Are you..What's with the, the get up? 534 00:48:38,184 --> 00:48:42,787 Oh, I do it to blend in, you know zombies don't mess with other zombies. 535 00:48:42,788 --> 00:48:45,188 Buddy of mine, make-up guy, showed how to do this. 536 00:48:45,381 --> 00:48:48,615 Corn starch, you know some berries, a little liquish for the ladies. 537 00:48:48,627 --> 00:48:51,482 It suits my lifestyle. You know I like to get out and do stuff. 538 00:48:52,077 --> 00:48:56,053 Just played nine holes at the Riviera, just walked on, nobody there. 539 00:48:56,342 --> 00:48:59,222 Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray. 540 00:49:00,767 --> 00:49:02,974 I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. 541 00:49:02,975 --> 00:49:07,774 This is so surreal, I mean. You probably get this all the time,well, maybe not lately, 542 00:49:07,776 --> 00:49:09,771 but I'm such a huge fan of yours. 543 00:49:09,965 --> 00:49:13,885 I've seen everyone of your movies a million times. 544 00:49:13,886 --> 00:49:16,766 I even love your dramatic roles, everything. 545 00:49:18,976 --> 00:49:23,071 Six people left in the world, one of them is Bill fucking Murray. 546 00:49:23,071 --> 00:49:24,543 I know that's not your middle name. 547 00:49:24,543 --> 00:49:29,534 But I've been watching you since i was like.. since I could masturbate, not that they're connected. 548 00:49:31,011 --> 00:49:32,930 You know "A former greenskeeper about to become the master champion." 549 00:49:38,653 --> 00:49:39,935 - That's why we do it. 550 00:49:40,991 --> 00:49:42,732 - I love you Bill, I love you. 551 00:49:44,354 --> 00:49:45,695 - Thank you. 552 00:49:46,185 --> 00:49:48,788 - You are staring at me, it's a hairpiece it's a.. 553 00:49:48,789 --> 00:49:52,244 - Sorry, it's just that you look remarkably like Eddy Van Halen. 554 00:49:52,245 --> 00:49:53,589 - I Just saw Eddy Van Halen. 555 00:49:53,590 --> 00:49:54,934 - Really? - Yeah. 556 00:49:55,647 --> 00:49:56,762 - Where? - At the Hollywood bowl. 557 00:49:57,357 --> 00:49:59,138 - Well, how was it? - He's a zombie 558 00:49:59,696 --> 00:50:01,585 - That's a tough break. 559 00:50:01,616 --> 00:50:06,384 - So how about a little west coast hospitality. Can I get you something? What would you like? 560 00:50:06,616 --> 00:50:12,000 [Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper] 561 00:50:21,057 --> 00:50:24,376 - Oh hurry, hurry he's on the ceiling. Come get him. Oh.. 562 00:50:25,625 --> 00:50:28,121 - Light 'em up Murray. - See you on the other side Pete. 563 00:50:29,082 --> 00:50:30,522 - You're so disgusting. 564 00:50:32,193 --> 00:50:33,816 - Don't cross the streams. 565 00:50:34,681 --> 00:50:38,617 - I don't wanna cross.. - Don't cross the streams! 566 00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:45,500 - "35 feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds" - "That's a big Twinkie" 567 00:50:45,952 --> 00:50:49,998 - Your sister's single, right? There's nothing long-distance or anything. 568 00:50:50,383 --> 00:50:52,303 - No. - Good, good. 569 00:50:53,299 --> 00:50:58,319 And if she had, like, a type - if you can have a type - what would that be? 570 00:50:59,471 --> 00:51:01,934 - She kinda goes for, like, bad boys. 571 00:51:01,935 --> 00:51:03,087 - Really? - Yeah. 572 00:51:03,088 --> 00:51:04,336 - That's cool. 573 00:51:08,472 --> 00:51:11,408 - So Columbus is the scared one? - Yeah, he's like a little bunny. 574 00:51:13,288 --> 00:51:15,233 - I'll get him. 575 00:51:17,446 --> 00:51:18,527 Watch this. 576 00:51:30,047 --> 00:51:32,735 - It's okay, it's okay. I got him. 577 00:51:36,996 --> 00:51:39,581 Is that how you say hello where you come from? 578 00:51:40,832 --> 00:51:43,941 Oh my God, Oh my God I can't believe I shot Bill Murray. 579 00:51:46,117 --> 00:51:47,520 Mr. Murray? 580 00:51:47,449 --> 00:51:50,844 Just Bill I think now. 581 00:51:50,845 --> 00:51:51,997 - Bill? - Yeah? 582 00:51:52,958 --> 00:51:56,797 - I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this. 583 00:51:58,046 --> 00:51:59,678 - Ow, that's still tender. 584 00:51:59,950 --> 00:52:02,523 - You think you might pull through? 585 00:52:05,203 --> 00:52:06,283 - No. 586 00:52:06,737 --> 00:52:09,044 - If it means anything now I am so sorry. 587 00:52:09,912 --> 00:52:11,217 It was just instinctive. 588 00:52:11,747 --> 00:52:12,915 - It was my bad. 589 00:52:13,133 --> 00:52:15,424 I was never a very good practical joker. 590 00:52:16,461 --> 00:52:18,696 - So do you have any regrets? 591 00:52:21,632 --> 00:52:23,662 "Garfield", maybe. 592 00:52:47,662 --> 00:52:49,966 - I'm sorry, he just gets me. 593 00:52:51,694 --> 00:52:53,422 But it still is sad. - Yeah. 594 00:53:13,294 --> 00:53:15,694 - Sorry. One second 595 00:53:16,175 --> 00:53:17,519 -It's a double-barrel so.. 596 00:53:19,055 --> 00:53:19,823 Okay. 597 00:53:25,104 --> 00:53:27,024 3, 2, 1. 598 00:53:30,001 --> 00:53:32,785 - You guys want some caramel? - Yes. 599 00:53:41,423 --> 00:53:42,676 - Oh Free parking, which coincidentally 600 00:53:42,965 --> 00:53:45,461 is the best thing about Zombieland. 601 00:53:45,653 --> 00:53:48,533 - No, best thing about Z-land: No Facebook status updates. 602 00:53:48,534 --> 00:53:51,414 You know "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday". 603 00:53:51,527 --> 00:53:52,653 Who cares. 604 00:53:52,813 --> 00:53:56,511 - The best thing is no more flushing, epic. 605 00:53:56,546 --> 00:53:58,703 - And worst thing? About Z-land? 606 00:53:59,015 --> 00:54:01,487 - You mean other than the fact that I shot Bill Murray? 607 00:54:01,488 --> 00:54:02,448 - That's easy. 608 00:54:02,833 --> 00:54:04,464 - Losing Bob. 609 00:54:04,657 --> 00:54:05,713 - That's his puppy. 610 00:54:07,250 --> 00:54:11,090 - I tell you, I never thought I could love anything like Bob 611 00:54:11,227 --> 00:54:14,598 The day he was born I just lost my mind. 612 00:54:16,844 --> 00:54:17,910 - Sorry. 613 00:54:23,149 --> 00:54:27,368 He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite, 614 00:54:27,631 --> 00:54:32,598 Laugh? And that's when it hit me. I felt so ashamed that it had taken me this long. 615 00:54:32,931 --> 00:54:37,335 Me with the best cardio in the business to realize I wasn't the only one running from something. 616 00:55:00,854 --> 00:55:03,254 - We made this wallet together out of Duct Tape. 617 00:55:09,324 --> 00:55:13,683 Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose. 618 00:55:23,667 --> 00:55:27,315 - I haven't cried like that since Titanic. 619 00:56:06,389 --> 00:56:11,983 A hint? Why don't you exhale slowly, 620 00:56:12,676 --> 00:56:13,880 then squeeze the trigger. 621 00:56:47,191 --> 00:56:49,303 - Don't make me drink alone. - Okay. 622 00:56:56,504 --> 00:56:59,767 -It 1997, "Gor Gorgeous" 623 00:57:01,304 --> 00:57:03,032 - I never took French. 624 00:57:02,457 --> 00:57:03,417 Gorgeus day what the hell? 625 00:57:05,974 --> 00:57:07,575 - It's a 97? - Yeah. 626 00:57:08,606 --> 00:57:10,148 - Was that a good year? - Oh my God. 627 00:57:10,720 --> 00:57:15,391 It was a great year, are you kidding me?, I saw my first R- rated movie that year. 628 00:57:16,352 --> 00:57:18,464 Anaconda. - Oh, Anaconda. 629 00:57:21,365 --> 00:57:22,631 - First tattoo, a purpoise. 630 00:57:23,304 --> 00:57:24,648 - Really? - Fake. 631 00:57:25,513 --> 00:57:26,665 - First kiss. 632 00:57:28,394 --> 00:57:29,834 Scotty Lynch 633 00:57:31,803 --> 00:57:33,100 - Did you guys.. use tongue? 634 00:57:35,166 --> 00:57:36,732 - Maybe. 635 00:57:38,653 --> 00:57:41,820 - Are you jealous of Scotty Lynch? - Yes, I am. 636 00:57:43,452 --> 00:57:46,620 - Actually I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. 637 00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:49,213 - Let's see mine. 638 00:57:51,646 --> 00:57:55,217 First orthodontist. The bastard gave me head gear. 639 00:57:56,178 --> 00:57:58,290 - I got my first B. - Oh no. 640 00:57:59,443 --> 00:58:01,171 - Frightening, as Anaconda 641 00:58:02,323 --> 00:58:05,011 Woodshop, which doesn't really count as a class anyway. 642 00:58:07,891 --> 00:58:10,003 Had my first school dance. 643 00:58:10,165 --> 00:58:12,795 I was Sadie Hawkins.. 644 00:58:13,276 --> 00:58:14,716 girls choice. 645 00:58:17,404 --> 00:58:19,132 - What nobody picked you? 646 00:58:19,380 --> 00:58:20,785 - Iz was girls choice. 647 00:58:21,560 --> 00:58:23,068 - Those bitches! - I know. 648 00:58:24,029 --> 00:58:26,909 No, I will not stand for this, you know what? 649 00:58:27,390 --> 00:58:29,598 On behalf of all the eight-grade girls, 650 00:58:31,230 --> 00:58:32,862 I would like you to make it up to you. 651 00:58:35,797 --> 00:58:36,959 Relax, Scotty's old news. 652 00:59:13,039 --> 00:59:16,161 I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice. 653 00:59:17,650 --> 00:59:20,311 -You know? Between you, me and 654 00:59:23,326 --> 00:59:24,724 You're actually kind of cute. 655 00:59:25,252 --> 00:59:26,584 - You think so? 656 00:59:28,601 --> 00:59:32,345 - I mean you got the guts of a guppy, but 657 00:59:32,692 --> 00:59:34,156 I could hit that. 658 00:59:38,189 --> 00:59:39,629 - Really? 659 00:59:40,590 --> 00:59:42,510 - I'll at least give you the intentional walk to first. 660 00:59:54,208 --> 00:59:56,338 - Hey little help movin' a couch. 661 00:59:57,023 --> 00:59:58,846 We're making a fort. 662 01:00:04,511 --> 01:00:08,062 - That was probably for the best, cause 663 01:00:09,407 --> 01:00:12,479 I like you, Columbus, 664 01:00:12,480 --> 01:00:16,320 but my sister and I are going to do whatever it takes to survive so.. 665 01:00:27,805 --> 01:00:30,073 I was hoping Wichita was just playing hard to get, 666 01:00:30,504 --> 01:00:33,507 but I realized that she had more trust issues than I did. 667 01:00:33,508 --> 01:00:36,388 When I woke up the next day and she was leaving. 668 01:00:40,453 --> 01:00:42,611 - You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, 669 01:00:42,612 --> 01:00:45,971 developed in a secret fucking government lab. 670 01:00:47,076 --> 01:00:49,538 - I can't believe I almost kissed him. What's our rule? 671 01:00:50,216 --> 01:00:53,138 - Trust no one, just you and me. - Just you and me. 672 01:00:54,675 --> 01:00:55,827 - Yeah, you and me. 673 01:01:08,959 --> 01:01:13,100 - You have just survived the zombie apocalypse and drove halfway across the country. 674 01:01:13,686 --> 01:01:16,949 - Where are you gonna go? - I'm going to Pacific Playland. Woo. 675 01:01:36,148 --> 01:01:37,588 Open Sesame. 676 01:01:47,608 --> 01:01:49,903 This is the problem with getting attached to someone. 677 01:01:50,588 --> 01:01:52,191 When they leave you just feel lost. 678 01:01:52,847 --> 01:01:56,946 Having Tallahassee around didn't comfort me, it just made me feel more alone. 679 01:01:56,947 --> 01:02:00,787 - Hey, you weren't exactly gonna score anyway. 680 01:02:01,000 --> 01:02:04,000 - You weren't storming' the trenches before I came along. 681 01:02:06,256 --> 01:02:09,451 That's why I don't let people close, you only get burned. 682 01:02:09,644 --> 01:02:10,508 - You don't say. 683 01:02:12,151 --> 01:02:17,526 Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies in Mexico? Los Submerinos. 684 01:02:17,955 --> 01:02:19,818 That's where I'm headed amigo. 685 01:02:20,683 --> 01:02:21,835 - Whatever. 686 01:03:47,287 --> 01:03:49,162 - I'm going after Wichita. 687 01:03:49,163 --> 01:03:52,043 - You ever read that book "She's just not that into you"? 688 01:03:52,298 --> 01:03:55,724 - You can't make yourself too available. - I don't care, alright I wanna be with her. 689 01:03:57,469 --> 01:03:58,628 Have fun in Mexico. 690 01:04:04,495 --> 01:04:05,476 Come on! Hurry! 691 01:04:09,413 --> 01:04:10,277 - Get in! 692 01:04:19,989 --> 01:04:21,172 - Come on, come on! 693 01:04:23,093 --> 01:04:24,533 - Come on, come on! 694 01:04:36,824 --> 01:04:40,129 - On the count of three. One, two, three. 695 01:04:54,787 --> 01:04:56,272 Are you okay? Come on. 696 01:04:56,587 --> 01:04:57,751 Hurry, get up. 697 01:04:57,752 --> 01:04:58,808 - Come on, let's go. 698 01:05:04,043 --> 01:05:05,209 - There! 699 01:05:31,617 --> 01:05:34,958 - That's the worst goodbye I have ever heard and you stole it from a movie. 700 01:05:38,929 --> 01:05:40,556 - Tell the ladies I said hey. 701 01:05:40,941 --> 01:05:43,629 - You know there are pictures of her in someones wallet too. 702 01:06:08,146 --> 01:06:11,787 - Hop in the car Evel Knievel. Let's go ride the roller coaster. 703 01:06:12,265 --> 01:06:13,349 - Thanks. 704 01:06:23,621 --> 01:06:24,869 - Go! 705 01:07:22,946 --> 01:07:24,962 - Not as fun as I remember. 706 01:07:29,955 --> 01:07:31,875 - Shoot the control box. 707 01:08:03,131 --> 01:08:04,758 - Columbus. - Tallahassee. 708 01:08:04,759 --> 01:08:08,888 - I think they might actually require our hard assistance this time. 709 01:08:09,416 --> 01:08:12,368 - Buckle up. - Yup, I'm wide ahead of you. 710 01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:16,472 Time to nut up or shut up. 711 01:08:21,272 --> 01:08:22,232 Holy shit. 712 01:08:43,627 --> 01:08:48,133 My mama always told me, someday I'll be good at something. 713 01:08:48,134 --> 01:08:50,246 Who'd have guessed that something'd be zombie killin'. 714 01:08:50,535 --> 01:08:51,591 - Probably nobody. 715 01:08:52,996 --> 01:08:54,685 - Look! 716 01:08:56,671 --> 01:08:58,999 - We better start working on our apology. 717 01:09:24,630 --> 01:09:26,166 - Up here! 718 01:09:27,651 --> 01:09:28,664 -Oh my God! 719 01:09:33,758 --> 01:09:34,919 - They're up there, they're okay. 720 01:09:35,202 --> 01:09:36,598 - What are you waiting for? - It's your gal. 721 01:09:43,857 --> 01:09:47,104 - Come on! - Come get a piece of Tallahassee! 722 01:09:47,105 --> 01:09:48,737 - Anybody hungry? 723 01:09:49,122 --> 01:09:51,618 Tallahassee-nice over here. 724 01:09:52,680 --> 01:09:55,576 Come on, come on you ugly bastards. 725 01:10:13,255 --> 01:10:14,401 - Holy Shit! 726 01:10:16,706 --> 01:10:18,242 - Holy Shit! 727 01:11:16,055 --> 01:11:17,795 - Shit, I'm out of shells. 728 01:11:43,907 --> 01:11:45,155 - Here we go. 729 01:14:14,096 --> 01:14:15,508 - Wichita! Little Rock! 730 01:14:19,712 --> 01:14:21,065 Oh my God. 731 01:14:21,965 --> 01:14:23,644 Look at this fucking clown. 732 01:14:26,948 --> 01:14:30,047 Of course, it had to be a clown. 733 01:14:33,170 --> 01:14:35,295 No, it had to be a clown. 734 01:14:35,816 --> 01:14:38,490 And it had to be Wichita for me to finally understand 735 01:14:38,726 --> 01:14:41,134 that some rules are made to be broken. 736 01:14:45,029 --> 01:14:46,469 Time to nut up or shut up. 737 01:14:51,170 --> 01:14:52,674 Fuck this clown. 738 01:15:35,181 --> 01:15:36,170 - Thanks. 739 01:15:36,863 --> 01:15:37,994 Wichita 740 01:15:50,102 --> 01:15:52,755 - Christa. 741 01:16:24,155 --> 01:16:26,864 - Ok, we should probably head out, now. 742 01:16:32,084 --> 01:16:34,140 - Finally he got to first base. 743 01:16:34,621 --> 01:16:37,021 Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck. 744 01:16:44,802 --> 01:16:46,475 - Where is [Tallahassee] 745 01:16:50,220 --> 01:16:51,711 - I have a little hunch. 746 01:16:53,920 --> 01:16:58,981 Where are you you spongy yellow delicious bastards? Where are you? 747 01:17:05,608 --> 01:17:09,760 - False advertising! - Jesus Christ. 748 01:17:11,297 --> 01:17:12,641 - You want a Sno-Ball or something? 749 01:17:39,520 --> 01:17:40,768 - Oh God! 750 01:17:47,242 --> 01:17:49,314 Words cannot express.. 751 01:17:50,859 --> 01:17:52,201 - It's too soon. 752 01:17:52,202 --> 01:17:55,081 - Do you think you can, maybe, just pick out the Buckshot and just kind of eat around it? 753 01:17:59,306 --> 01:18:00,362 - No! 754 01:18:01,323 --> 01:18:02,283 No! 755 01:18:02,764 --> 01:18:03,724 - No! 756 01:18:05,932 --> 01:18:09,484 That face. That's me realizing that those smart girls 757 01:18:09,485 --> 01:18:10,925 in that big black truck 758 01:18:11,937 --> 01:18:14,895 and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket 759 01:18:15,079 --> 01:18:18,427 they were the closest to something I had always wanted, but never really had. 760 01:18:19,441 --> 01:18:20,927 A family. 761 01:18:21,091 --> 01:18:22,951 I trusted them and they trusted me. 762 01:18:27,252 --> 01:18:30,046 Rule #32: Enjoy The Little Things. 763 01:18:30,346 --> 01:18:31,959 Tallahassee got his Twinkie 764 01:18:32,793 --> 01:18:35,873 and even though life will never be simple or innocent again, 765 01:18:36,804 --> 01:18:39,846 as he savored that spongy yellow log of cream, 766 01:18:40,090 --> 01:18:42,685 we had hope, we had each other. 767 01:18:43,797 --> 01:18:47,473 And without other people, you might swell be a zombie. 768 01:18:48,818 --> 01:18:49,682 - Thank you so much - You had us going. 769 01:18:55,442 --> 01:18:56,882 So until next time remember: 770 01:18:56,970 --> 01:18:58,480 Cardio, seat belts 771 01:18:58,769 --> 01:19:02,705 and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. 772 01:19:04,722 --> 01:19:08,658 I'm Columbus, Ohio, from Zombieland saying: Good night. 773 01:19:09,305 --> 01:20:09,239 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today